NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

Today it is five month since BD and W moved out a week ago.

New life – new thread!
Old threads here:

WAW / ILUBINILWY / CONFUSED!
WAW / ILUBINILWY / CONFUSED! (Thread II)
WAW / ILUBINILWY / CONFUSED! (Thread III)
WAW / ILUBINILWY / CONFUSED! (Thread IV)

For the last five months I have been thinking and writing a lot so I want to start this new thread by putting the old ones behind me. This will make this first post rather long but it is nothing compared to my threads and thoughts. I write this as a summary of my previous four very long threads.

SHORT BACKGROUND
W gave me the ILYB on 8. March 2013. I was caught off guard but also after a rough period of time. She moved out on the 1. August.
We have D6, D4 and I have S10 from other M.
If you need further background then it is here you will find this in my first thread here.

W:
I have a standard WAW in most areas, but at some point she acts different. She is totally nice and pleasant and has been this way almost all the way. We have had some arguments about the practical’s (financials, children etc.) of splitting up but otherwise the time living together after BD has been good. This is my opinion but W hasn’t opened up, so in fact I don’t know what she is thinking! A part of me takes her acting as positive and some part of me thinks that the only way she can behave like this is due to total detachment from her and her being gone for good. I hate this last thought!

During these last months we have:
Hugged, kissed on chin, hold hands, sat close, slept together, quality talked, worked the house and the garden, built a sandbox, shared expenses, been to circus twice, had visits from friends and IL, taken baths together with children, visited my father’s grave, been at the Zoo and much much more…..
We have lived as happily M without ILU, kisses and sex. In my opinion it would have been a great time if not for the BD.
She left a week ago but she still contacts me almost every day and some days several times. Most the times she has some kind of matter like children or that she forgot something.
She also still has a lot of things at the house that she hasn’t moved yet.

To me it looks like she got fed up, decided to run and did so as fast as she could. I am certain she has had the doubts about the decision but she stood with it. I believe she has a lot of enablers around her, but I am also quite certain that I am not in any way disliked by most our friends and even her family.
One major problem I have is that she stated prior to BD that she doesn’t believe in people changing. Add this to the fact that she hasn’t stated any why’s and you got the basic problems of my sit!

ME
I guess I am an average LBH. I received a lot of advice coming here, but wasn’t able to comprehend the meaning of detachment, focus on me and GAL. Reading through my old threads almost makes me laugh at myself. Especially Sandi2s posting in the early days are so spot on when I read them now, but at that time I simply didn’t understand the words or the meaning of them. I am not sure I do that today but I am getting there.
I have been blessed with so much good from this forum and I truly can state that if this forum didn’t exist I would have been a mess!

I have thought, written, looked for small steps to the outmost extent – it has almost been driving me crazy! Now she is gone and that will give me some peace since I don’t have to worry so much about her.

I believe I have done fairly well in regards of DBing and my hopes are right now that these past months living together contains enough good memories that W someday will open up and talk.

I have done a lot of 180s, and kept a fairly high PMA around W. I have had MAJOR problems with focus on me and GAL but I believe that during the last month I am getting better at this. At the same time I have loosened a little on the 180s and especially me fixing everything. I have also realized that the reason for BD might be a little different than I saw at first.
I have read a lot of books and in here about the WAS and the subject of love in general and feel I am getting the hang of the ideas. My only problem is that she is being so nice. As time passes I tend to turn towards this being a negative.

I have had 7 sessions with a DB-coach and I have due to Ws behavior been advices to pursue a little by touching. I have written an apology-letter. Nothing has changed her mind. I understand why DB-coach gave me this advice but I am very much in doubt if I did right in following it.

I love W and I my goal is that through the work I do on myself I will be able to attract her one day. I believe I am in for a very long and tough haul, but also feel that as long as I can keep the hope I will stay on the path toward possible R. I do feel hopeless more and more often as times go by.



My path is quite clear to me for now – the only big issue left to solve is how to treat W and how to react in regards of her and around her. I will discuss this with my DB-coach and my shrink in august.

GOALS
Keep, update and evaluate a list of goals and 180s
Continue journaling in here
Get my business situation and thereby income stabilized.
Get my medical issue solved and possible go through surgery
Fix my home
Work my 180s
Try to follow thoughts – being more spontaneous.

KIDS
When kids are here – Focus on them, by:
No work when they are awake
No long phonecalls
Doing at least one thing out of the house with them, when they are here for weekends.
Involving them in daily life like cooking, cleaning etc. and accepting that this will be on their timeframe

ME
When alone focus on me by:
GAL
Work my goals
Exercize
Sleep

AROUND W:
I still feel a lot of doubt in regards of interactions with W.
I won’t reach out to W but since I have a history of going silent I won’t go completely dark
I guess I will initiate convo 1 time every time she has initiated 3 times.
I will be pleasant and nice towards her.
I will let her solve her own problems
I will give her (and me) the needed time and space

That’s it for now!

[T1000]

Hi F,

I was hoping you would start a new thread.

You sound very organised, more than I ever have been.
It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
It's good that you are working on yourself just make sure you don't burn yourself out.

some part of me thinks that the only way she can behave like this is due to total detachment from her and her being gone for good. I hate this last thought!

One major problem I have is that she stated prior to BD that she doesn’t believe in people changing.

I have thought, written, looked for small steps to the outmost extent – it has almost been driving me crazy!

My only problem is that she is being so nice. As time passes I tend to turn towards this being a negative.

I do feel hopeless more and more often as times go by.

I have felt all the above at different times. It's not nice to feel them things F but they aren't a sign of where you will eventually land.

[Fartiltre]

T,

Thanks for checking in on me!
You always seem to do this when I really need it!

I have felt all the above at different times. It's not nice to feel them things F but they aren't a sign of where you will eventually land.

This gives me hope! W seems totally detached these days. She calls me or texts me every day – most times with a purpose but sometimes without or just to share something, but she still seems totally gone!
I have a hard time figuring out how to handle myself but I have followed your advice and I am not reaching out but when she calls I am kind and very nice.

You sound very organised, more than I ever have been.

I guess I am – that’s my way in many aspects. Now I just have to follow through.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
It's good that you are working on yourself just make sure you don't burn yourself out.

I agree but until the end of August this is the way. I simply need to get my business back on track and my medical issues sorted out. I will remember me in this process or hopefully you will pull the 2x4 on me and crack my skull until I do!


Thanks, T! And by the way: I believe your thread gives hope to a lot of people. Keep doing what you do – you are doing great!

F

[T1000]

Your more than welcome F,

I appreciate your comments about my thread. I do feel a bit of pressure to not get it wrong because it gives people hope but in turn that does keep me on my toes too.

I believe the same about your thread, you show that someone can go from not getting it to totally getting it if they are willing to listen and learn.

[hotwheelsaust]

I have a hard time figuring out how to handle myself but I have followed your advice and I am not reaching out but when she calls I am kind and very nice.

F, at this stage of the sitch, that is about all you can do. Stay kind and very nice, it shows how strong we are. Beats being the opposite nasty and angry all the time, don't want to go back that way again.

[Fartiltre]

W and I talk almost every day on the phone. She initiates the most and I try to stay with my 3 to 1 rule. I am kind and pleasant when she contacts me but I also try to end the convos.

I have been GALing a lot. It seems like a lot of people have gathered around me deciding to help me through this. I haven’t asked for this but I appreciate and enjoy it. I have been out for the last three evenings and will be as well for the next days.

I miss my children a lot and look forward to them being here next week. W and Ds will come by tomorrow morning – that will be nice. I also talked with Ds on phone this evening – also nice!!
I am feeling good! Better than I expected to. I guess the major thing in this for me was talking to the children. W moving out was nothing compared to this and I have been busy working the house and GALing since, so I haven’t felt lonely. The feeling of being alone in the house hits me but that’s not the same as feeling lonely.

I had a session with DB-coach today. It was nice talking through the sit with coach and she gave me advice and confirmed the path I have planned to follow.
My path is laid out for now.
I won’t go completely dark and therefore stay with the 3-1 rule of contact. When W has contacted me 3 times I will initiate contact once. When she has invited three times I will accept one and so on. When we talk I will be pleasant and nice! I will ask questions about her. When we meet I will still do the walk by touches and also compliment her.
We also talked a lot about patience! As I feel right now I have a lot of patience so only showstopper will be OM or OW (I am also single now!) I don’t mind W having one night stands but a serious relationship will damage this.
Coach told me about the anger that WAS feels and that W will have to address this at some point possible.

I feel good, ready for life and the issues I have to deal with in the weeks and months to come.

Next week I have a session at shrink and unless she tells me to do otherwise I am good to go

[Makingchanges]

I'm still new to all of this, but reading this gives me hope. I think you have a great plan and I will be checking in to see how everything is going. Enjoy any time you get with the kiddos and make it quality Reading all of these threads helps me realize I sill have a long way to go (marathon) it is empowering to read about others in other stages of it. Keep on track.

[sandi2]

You have commented several times about not understanding why your W has continued to act so nicely toward you. I think one reason is b/c you are nice to her. If you pressured her to a point.....I think you would have seen an ugly side of her.

All WAW's want to get what they want with their H being nice and not causing them any problems or grief. That is one reason why many WAW's try to hurry up the split/move out or D, b/c they expect a fight from the H and they want to avoid that "unpleasantness" and proceed in their fantasy world.

As long as she is getting everything her way, why would she not. be nice? That is often why the WAW is relieved to hear her LBH say he wants to be her "friend".

After the W moves out.......and if she gets financial ease through the H, her fantasy may continue on until she finds something better or starts looking for something to satisfy her loneliness. I am often amazed how women expect the man they left to continue to support them.

Her true reason for leaving the M may, or may not, be revealed after she has moved out.

You had stated one time that there might be an EA but you had not snooped to find out. Did you see any of the "signs" that could indicate she had OM in her thoughts?

[Fartiltre]

Hi Sandi

Thanks for looking by

If you pressured her to a point.....I think you would have seen an ugly side of her.

I have seen this a few times and every time has been when I stood my ground in financials, talk to children or things like that.
I do believe you are right since I have seen it! It is just below the surface. I haven’t provoked it but I have my boundaries and when she disagrees she spews. Still it is nothing like I read in other sitches in here.

As long as she is getting everything her way, why would she not. be nice? That is often why the WAW is relieved to hear her LBH say he wants to be her "friend".

She has gotten a lot her way but I have as well. Since she is the one leaving she has the best hand. I have been nice towards her until she crossed boundaries – shouldn’t I have been this way?

After the W moves out.......and if she gets financial ease through the H, her fantasy may continue on until she finds something better or starts looking for something to satisfy her loneliness. I am often amazed how women expect the man they left to continue to support them.

I haven’t done this – almost the opposite in fact! This was one of the issues that made her angry! I wont support her – she is on her own! I won’t make it hard on her either so I have followed the rules in my country but she did expect more and therefore she got disappointed and then angry!

Her true reason for leaving the M may, or may not, be revealed after she has moved out.

I do hope so! I am getting closer but still I am not certain so I just act like she got fed up!

You had stated one time that there might be an EA but you had not snooped to find out. Did you see any of the "signs" that could indicate she had OM in her thoughts?

If I have stated this I don’t believe it anymore! I have seen no signs at all – none, zip, zero!!!
I don’t believe there is or has been an EA


Now that you are here I want to thank you for your post when my sit started! I believe that it only took me four months to understand what you meant then . Then again you also told me that LBH don’t comprehend focus on you, detach and GAL – I see it now!

If you have any advice for me I will be grateful receiving it.

Thanks!

F

[hotwheelsaust]

Sorry to hijack the thread F, but if as Sandi says our spouses are going to continue staying nice because we are nice to them, is there a better way or answer to this. What I mean is, if we are being nice (too nice maybe) is that going against helping our sitch's? Is it making it too easy for the WAS?
While I understand we should not be the opposite, if we are standing our ground with regards to money and other issues, what should we do differently? If it needs to be done? Should we not act like friends (if you even get that op)?