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Joined: Jul 2006
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Hi,

My last post was nearly 8 months ago and, not sure why but, I come back periodically to post an update. That...will probably end at some point.

My kids were infants/toddlers at the start of this back in 2006. My son now has a deep voice and I say to myself 'who is that strange man on the phone' when he calls. I can see the thicker hairs coming in on his legs and the little boy that clung so tightly to me during this ordeal is steadily becoming a man. Similarly, my daughter is now putting on mascara, is getting taller and she, too, is going through changes (not to mention becoming sassier too).

Divorce was the right thing for us. Not all relationships can be saved. However, the main piece of advice I can give everyone is to keep the children first. A friend of mine once said to me during the thick of all this that each time you talk against your spouse (or ex-spouse) in front of your children, it's like 'sticking a knife in their back'. Well, he was right. Make it about the kids.

At least in my state, men get the short end of the stick in divorce. The woman is seen as the better parent. Although I have joint custody and probably have the most parenting time of any father in this state, the residential parent ultimately has 'control'. Sometimes, as men, we have to make decisions which to us, make us feel emasculated. Situations, make us feel similarly (what man wants to ask 'permission' for his kids to sleep over when they want to)when HE is a parent too? It's the way it goes. It's the law. You have to work it.

Once, I read a story here that a man went on a vacation with his ex and SHE brought her new BF with her. I could never do that. HOWEVER, I now understand ( a little) the basis of this. Recently, my son had an event to go to upstate. It was a family type thing so my ex went as well. We were in the same hotel and totally by chance, she had the room next door. The rooms had locked doors between the two. During the week, we left the doors unlocked so the kids could go back and forth between each parent. We ate at the same table. Even went to dinner with a married couple since the kids were close friends. The dinner was VERY uncomfortable, especially when the other married couple, who knew we were divorced, asked my ex how we met. Oddly, my ex starts to go on and on as if we were still married. Although comfortable around her now, I had to turn towards my toward and help her cut up her food.

Time heals. Anger fades. Although I have NO doubt that if a conflict arose, my ex would use the kids against me, this seems to be a thing of the past for right now. The man she met and immediately brought into the home of our young kids has been cast off. It lasted about a year. A transition dude. The only that bothered me about the whole thing is that she brought him into the house so quickly instead of using her non-parenting days. The kids once told me that they cried many nights in the beginning.

As for me, I've gotten too comfortable being single. I enjoy the time with my kids and having peace and quiet around the house (er apartment). I have to get off my butt and start dating again before the 'use it or lose it' cliche becomes permanent. Although my sister tells me that other people think that my ex will want back, it would never happen from my point of view. What's done is done and I, for one, am not prone to make mistakes twice. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..........

Enjoy your kids. Be in the moment with them. Make it about them.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Great post and advice,

I'm about to be divorced and need to see something like this.


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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FIB -
there was definitely nothing about your wife's behavior during the whole thing that would suggest you should EVER trust her again.

I'm glad for your sake though that the original OM is out of the picture. It's a lot easier to deal with them dating someone who wasn't the OP. (My ex is remarrying soon, but he didn't start dating this particular woman until a year after we separated, so I don't have any particular animosity towards her - I'm just glad it wasn't one of his affair partners.)

I applaud you for putting your kids first. Even though my kids are in their 20's, and I've dated several men in the 4 1/2 years since my marriage blew up, they are only now meeting a man I am dating. Even at their age, it's hard for them.

Nonetheless - it IS time you stepped off the plate and started dating, or you may sink into something I've seen too much of - 50-something men who have become content to be hermits, occasionally dating when their flagging libidos flare up, but otherwise keeping women at arms length.

Just dip your toe in - honest, the water's a bit choppy, but you get used to it wink

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Thanks KML....an original. And always with good advice. I agree. Sorta interesting about the OP, but, I never had an issue with it. The only tough times were when she brought him to the ball field when S12 was playing. He knew his place and always kept at distance and moved even further away when X and I discussed how he did in the game.

It's funny how much you recalled from the original stuff...her craziness, etc. All past now.

To brobafet. Hang tough buddy. Each day gets better. You'll see that, as time goes by SOME marriages couldn't, shouldn't be saved. The thing that's good about being here is that, along the way, it helps you to decide which way. Just be careful that some posters will keep you in a bad M.

My D atty was amazing. At the end of my D, she asked me 'why do you want to save the marriage?' If I recall, my response was, "for the kids". Her response was, "that's the reason you WANT the divorce". Hanging for long periods of time in a destructive relationship hurts your children, BADLY. Once couples start going outside of the M, it is rare, if at all, it can be saved.

You'll be fine broba. 4 OM...is a lot. She did the right thing for both of you. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
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Hi FIB!
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
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Hi Kalni....are you still here? Are things better? FIb


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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Now why....after all these years...would my ex wife send in the kids with a piece of fresh baked apple pie that she just made????? LOLOLOL


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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I wouldn't touch that pie with a twenty foot pole! Does she think you are the crazy one?!

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Because she's nuts!


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What a flashback....

FIB....I hope you are well, and didn't partake in the Pie trick LOL

And looky there....

How the heck are YOU Frank ???

It's been a long time...

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