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Joined: Aug 2013
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Okay, this week looks to be a good week. He called on Monday night to "touch base". I bubbled him back 24 hours later with an upbeat text. Next day I needed to spend some money on bras, just texted , giving him a heads up. No phone contact from me. Had a fun dinner with daughter #2 and bought three pairs of pants 'cuz I'm down a couple sizes. We worked out last night and I slept all the way through the night...YAY! Today I got to work and everyone was SO complimentary, and it just boosted my mood. While working , I got a call from my WAS. Listened to message and he was " updating" me. I waited a couple of hours before returning call. Got voice mail, and left a " just callin' ya back" message. He immediately phoned me back. He was chatty and upbeat, job offer going well, more money than he expected and this is good. His stress is diminishing. He wanted to chat about my job, how it went last week, and asked me how my day went. I was in a great mood so it was definitely coming across. He proceeded to mention the girls and their things, he mentioned my weight loss again. I was pretty upbeat about it, feels real good to get it off and go forward. I cut off the conversation after about five minutes because I had to get back on the road, so I told him I had to go. He told me to drive carefully, and I said thanks. Light, confident, loving, and brief! Decided to go eat something fun today...not what I've been typically eating a Wendy's hamburger and some B&R . When I walked into B&R the owner couldn't stop complimenting me on my weight loss and how great I looked! I probably won't have a day like this again for awhile, so I'm going to relish it and take a nap with a smile on my face! Husband did say he would come over early on Sunday to do some yard work prior to taking daughter car shopping. I won't hold my breath, besides I won't be here, have class! I need to set another goal, just don't know where to begin. I had set a detach and GAF, while it would be nice if he reached out to me. I can't control what he does, so when I got two calls in less than a week, it has thrown me. I would like another lunch or dinner, but that I can't control. I am going to take a dance class...SWING! Hoot! Monday night, I can't wait to do this, always wanted to do it. Now I can!


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
Joined: Aug 2013
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Journaling: Went to dance class, enjoyed it. I'm going to dance practice tomorrow night. Joined an area social group, over 3,000 members. They seem to do varied things. A band is playing in town and 24 members are going. Not sure if I can do this. It sure would pass a Saturday night , since my daughter will be gone. Just don't know yet. Feeling a bit melancholy and missing my husband. Can't help but wonder how he is working through things. I want to call and I want to see him. <:/


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
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Sure wish I could get off moderation and get some feedback...
S I G H


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
Joined: Aug 2013
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This moderation is killing me. I really would like to interact and bounce things off of people. I fully understand making sure someone isn't a spammer, but how long does this take? Yes , I understand patience with our spouses is a must, but here it is detrimental to the communication process. Part of trying to stay positive, and GAL for me at present is being able to meet and interact. I have my emails to journal to myself. Please, this really is devastating and cuts to the core.


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 26
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This moderation is killing me. I really would like to interact and bounce things off of people. I fully understand making sure someone isn't a spammer, but how long does this take? Yes , I understand patience with our spouses is a must, but here it is detrimental to the communication process. Part of trying to stay positive, and GAL for me at present is being able to meet and interact. I have my emails to journal to myself. Please, this really is devastating and cuts to the core.


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
Joined: Aug 2013
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Yesterday was a VERY VERY tough day. My youngest daughter was moving officially into her first apartment. She has been with me since day two of separation. We have gone through a lot of emotional moments together over this and been each other's support and gymn rats. My WAS/MLC spouse and I are purchasing her a car with the funds from my accident. I rolled my truck, and it was totaled. Anyhoo, yesterday was packing and loading the SUV and me dealing with my sorrow. H phoned several times yesterday, once while I was cleaning up beds in the front of the house. I didn't answer. Once while at the gymn. I didn't answer. Then he bubbled me while I was on a piece of equipment. I did respond, " ..tied up will get back to you soon." When I got home and D was in shower , I phoned him back. I was behaving "as if" and we got through the conversation. Normally I'm pretty positive and upbeat. I wasn't negative nor obviously down, but just didn't feel it. The discussion was mostly about getting the funds together for D's car, logistics, a little about his job offer coming in.

Things I've stopped doing on my own:

Saying " Love ya "

discussing relationship
crying where he can see or hear me
offering to get together (did it twice)
asking anything about what he does, other than job sit.

Things I've stopped doing since reading DR :

Answering the phone immediately
responding immediately
less frequent thoughts about his life ( where abouts )

Things I'm trying to do:

Working on me ( accepted job, joined dance classes 2 x's a week, trying to go out with friends (even when I don't want to)
Staying light upbeat and friendly on phone with H
Getting off or hanging up phone first
Taking care of body and making better food choices
Working on yard and gardens again
Focus on school when there
Journaling and getting emotions out

Things with which I'm having difficulty:

180's
Goal setting
Birthday is coming up Sept.8
Wondering where this is all going
Vacillating between empathy for him, anger, and despair
Frustration over his use of we, and our, when "we" are apart from each other
detachment/moving forward ( I moved most of his clothes out into storage facility ) Considering painting a room and reusing/redecorating it.

See much of what he "said" he felt was about coming 2nd. Not feeling as if he counted or was a priority. Sex was almost non existent, I "never" initiated and he stopped. I really don't know how to initiate. Feel awkward and uncomfortable. Much had to do with feeling alone, as if other's were more important than I (friends, family) I raised kids and was alone a lot. Whenever I attempted to have us do something on a regular basis there were always excuses. Yet he managed to schedule basketball, golf, now bowling and poker, on a fixed schedule. This hurt me over the years, and I really felt as if others were more important. I was the primary caretaker of the girls, and even if I did something, it was my responsibility to make sure they were tended to. He feels or has said he feels, as if everyone came first, me and the girls. I am able to concur somewhat when it came to decisions about financing schools, or the type of home. Yet as I really look back, he wanted to join a C.C. and that required an initiation fee and regular dues. He made sure he had all of his activities, yet couldn't make time for us. I facilitated the relationship between the girls and himself. When I tried to work on our sex life or romance, he wouldn't read anything or even try. I stopped trying because it hurt too much and I just figured he didn't care.

As I write this today, I even ask myself why? There is a core part of me that was hoping we could reunite during "empty nesting" but it was so awkward. He says he isn't sure about "working on our marriage" that he wants it to be about him. I now realize, a lot HAS been about him. He believes counseling will ruin our friendship, and I now wonder , what friendship? I can look back right now and say : WOW! I reeeally don't want to go back to that. I realize that I've self medicated with my children, activities to stay busy, friends to stave off loneliness. I don't want THAT marriage! I even see myself as going through a MLC! Thinking about driving a wee sports car and travel. Part of me wants to tell him about how I feel and my insight. The other part, committed to God, and to him. I have two daughters, who are very affected by this. I don't want them scarred by this.
I am feeling so hurt, for this is just more of what I felt when under the same roof; and that it reinforces what I have buried for so long ( 29 years of marriage and a couple for four years prior ). Do others come to this kind of epiphany? Am I going through a phase? Part of our problem was that neither shared our hurt or feelings. We avoided. I am more confrontational, but when one doesn't know how or is afraid to admit something out of fear of hurting the other, how does one go about it?

A real 180 for me would be to tell him how I've felt and why. But that is against the
" don't talk about relationship issues"

I am very confused, yet I do know I don't want that guy or marriage anymore! He has said he didn't feel accepted for who he was, perhaps I was seeing things and pushing him away unknowingly?

At this point conversations are pleasant, friendly, neighborly. No talk of divorce or even where we are going. He still talks of immediate future, but that is about jobs, and getting me a new car. He made a point of telling me that he went online looking at the Nissan Juke, (D told him we thought they were adorable) So he is still trying to please, but WHY? He does love me, and I him, but desire has dwindled. I think I'll stop now, this is not helping me keep a pma. I think I'll go talk to God.


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
Joined: Aug 2013
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Another thought. co-dependency. I understand this, yet that was what marriage was supposed to bring. Two into one. We are supposed to be one, yet not. I really want to share how I feel about our past marriage. I want to it out there so I can feel some closure on the past. I cannot go forward without being honest about what I won't accept anymore, what I need. If we were under the same roof right now, I think I may be the WAS. Is that unusual? Have others come to this introspection?


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
Joined: Aug 2013
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Okay, today is Saturday August 17, 2013.

I'm moving my posts, journaling and help wanted ads to the MLC forum. I've discovered that is where I belong. Wish it weren't so, there is a touch of WAS, should be SP but mostly MLC. Now I guess I'm in for that damned roller coaster ride, which I've always hated . Hopefully, prayerfully, I won't be tortured too much. Last night was tough, but after reading MLC for Dummies, today I laughed out loud ! Good bye from newbies and onto the next forum...


MLC=[censored] to be him

empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage

" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
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MLC for dummies? Now that is a book I've got to read, lol smile Hi WIP, just thought I'd pop in and say hi smile Just off to your other thread. Before I go though, AS mentioned a book called love is tough. There's also a book called love is tough: a marriage in crisis. Which one should I get? I feel that a marriage in crisis is better for me smile


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
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Have you heard of "How to improve your marriage without talking about it?" I need to add that to my reading list.


~
MH
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