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A Message from Michele
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Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: S4tk] #2419936
01/03/14 01:42 AM
01/03/14 01:42 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,901
Piney Land
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Rick1963 Offline
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Rick1963  Offline
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Crimson don't bring up what your lil one is going through with exw. Take him to his pediatrician if ur are concerned. She will deny that anything is going on wrong with him. My exw does the same thing even tho my D is repeating the 9th grade a 4th time. Don't do what I did and hope exw will do the motherly thing.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: Rick1963] #2419940
01/03/14 01:53 AM
01/03/14 01:53 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Sonoran Desert
Crimson, she's not going to see things your way.

If you think there's something wrong, have him evaluated as Rick says.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: Rick1963] #2419941
01/03/14 01:53 AM
01/03/14 01:53 AM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 626
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lovethehub Offline
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It is rough on them, and rough on us, too. My D went through a lot of the same things in regards to visits with her dad and the best I could do was be there for her and let her know I wasn't going anywhere. She also had a few accidents around the same age that were related to the trauma of the visits (I believe trauma is the correct word for what she went through - her visits were out of state and for 2 weeks at a time). What your son will remember is how each of you dealt with this, especially as he gets older. My D is 13 now and has a terrible r with her dad because he could/would never acknowledge her feelings surrounding all of this and how hard the visits were. Continue to be there for him and pray that your W wakes up and starts to acknowledge his feelings and will work to find ways to make the transitions easier.


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: lovethehub] #2419963
01/03/14 03:03 AM
01/03/14 03:03 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
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Crimson Offline OP
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Crimson  Offline OP
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Thanks everyone for chiming in. GM, I think your comments were pretty much on point. I am bewildered how seeing your child in that much pain would not be enough for a parent to take a moment and consider if the track they are on is "right", if that is enough to even *think* that being apart *may* be a bad decision (assuming there was no abuse or other previous severe issues). But yes, I think she has issues that extend way beyond me that just keep her from seeing things that way. Sometimes I just want to shout "stop hurting our son!" - but I know that would be faaaar from wise or productive.

Rick & Bug - I hadn't really thought about connecting him with a Dr. on the matter. I'll for sure think about that as an option.

IC tonight told me tonight that it may be beneficial for me to say something about it later....considering it was the second incident. Something along the lines of "I am concerned because.......here's why I feel that way and what I have observed.....it makes me believe that.....what I would like to see instead is....". I just have to have the courage to say it -- still grapple with confrontation with her in the fear that it will do more harm than good.

She also warned me to address the possibility that part of me may want to "punish" her by making her face the consequences of her actions relative to our son. It's a legit thing for her to say just by virtue of the fact that part of me DOES want her to acknowledge the impact this is having on our S. IC said that for a three year old to say that they "hate" a parent is pretty harsh....regardless of context.

I guess at the end of the day I know how I feel when I see him in that much pain....I would do anything I could to ease it for him. I still have anger that surfaces when I think about her saying she "wanted better" for S on BD.

By the way, GM, we are not on a one-on one-off schedule. We split parts of the week so he doesn't have to spend a long time away from either of us. I have less time, but she said she is open to changing it.

Crimson

Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: Crimson] #2419968
01/03/14 03:22 AM
01/03/14 03:22 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,583
Los Angeles
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luvless Offline
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I'm sorry but I'd look at the school. That is not normal. My kid was clinging to me and the aides lied and said other things when actually we found out there was abuse. Pay attention to the school first before anything else.


M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10
Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: luvless] #2419982
01/03/14 04:00 AM
01/03/14 04:00 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Sonoran Desert
I was thinking back and I'm not sure my kids knew the word hate at age 3.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: luvless] #2419983
01/03/14 04:02 AM
01/03/14 04:02 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
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adinva Offline
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You may be getting into a very difficult cycle, which I got into with my H, where you overdramatize in the face of her seeming heartlessness and she therefore minimizes your concerns based on your seeming exaggeration. In my case we became polarized. The meaner H got the more nurturing I felt I had to be, and my spoiling and coddling them made him feel even more committed to toughening them up. If there's any way you can calm yourself down and look for common ground, I think it will help you avoid further polarization.

Yes, if you're concerned see a pediatrician. I have heard a two/three year old say I hate you (not to me), and it wasn't particularly shocking. I have heard many times that family changes and transitioning can cause setbacks in toilet training. Your S is upset, but your being upset can feed his trauma. If the all-powerful daddy is shocked and worried, there must REALLY be something to be worried about. His whole little world is shaky. He needs you to act like he will be ok. And he needs to think his mom is not the bad guy.

Perhaps if you can be more moderate in your interpretations she will feel less inclined to minimize. Separation anxiety, tears, even a little manipulation and milking a situation just possibly could be at play...if you're open to the possibility rather than being horrified that she called them "antics"...you'll be better positioned to communicate without pushing her to the opposing side.

I honestly felt like it was going to take me being mean to get my husband off the cycle we were on, and I wasn't willing to do that, so I just couldn't see how to get on the same page.

You need to get closer to the same page.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: adinva] #2419984
01/03/14 04:08 AM
01/03/14 04:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Sonoran Desert
^^^Good points Ad. I've heard 2-3 yr olds say lots of surprising things, usually the things adults say with gusto!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: labug] #2421602
01/09/14 04:06 AM
01/09/14 04:06 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
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Crimson Offline OP
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Crimson  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,326
So in theory I know I SHOULDN'T be effected by the fact I saw my ex on match.com tonight...she looked at my profile and clicked to see who it was (there were no pictures on her profile) and in reading the content it was for sure her. It did sting quite a bit and I was (and am) admittedly jarred. I know I need to accept the fact that she is going to put herself out there and date - I certainly have....so it's not fair to hold double standards....but it still burned. I could for sure say more - but just don't know what to say right now. Part of me wonders why she bothered to look at my profile...and wonders what exactly went through her mind. No matter -- I know I need to just get over it.

Crimson

Re: Crimson.....just checkin' in again. [Re: Crimson] #2421724
01/09/14 03:23 PM
01/09/14 03:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,999
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AnotherStander Offline
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I'm sure that would be tough. But on the the bright side, she's about to find out just how daunting it is to find a decent guy out there. I've been dating on and off and every woman that I've met online and went out with has complained about guys posting old pictures (or even fake pictures) in their profiles and lying about their age and weight. And even if their info is honest, they tell me most guys online are "singularly focused" if you know what I mean, LOL! There are a LOT of frogs out there and few princes.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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