Doubledown, you are showing remarkable clarity, patience and strength. Joann is a great DB coach. They are all good, but I really like her.
In this phase, anything will push the W closer to OM. You are starting off better than me, and it's my second go at this! I merely asked my W what was taking her so long getting home from work every day and she was off and running. Well, first came a test or two that I did very poorly at.
Keep up your DBing, and be consistant. And brave! I also have done my share of snooping, and it's rarely good. Remember "don't belive anything she says, and only half of what you see."
I really appreciated your response. Thank you for putting so much time and thought into it.
I can tell you that something I've struggled with during our 10 year marriage is that my W doesn't show her emotions or share what's deep inside of her. She struggles a great deal with issues, but keeps them inside. It's unfortunate, but I wouldn't know what would make her melt in my arms or what she needs to hear from me emotionally. She is on antidepressants and has been since our first son was born. There are so many issues she struggles with: she's uncomfotable with sex. told me a story of when she was a girl in Catholic school and a priest sat her on his lap. She felt he was arroused and that effects her. Her freshman year in college, she became pregnant and choses to have an abortion. I only know this through finding a letter she wrote to the aborted fetus 18 years later and appologized to it. She is unaware that I know this. Her relattionship with her mother is awful. She can't stand her mother and blames her for alot of unhappiness in her life. She spent much of her high school years living with the family of her close girlfriend to put distance between she and her mother. That relationship with her mother still provides anger and hardship for my W today. She lost her career 4 years ago and still holds resentment toward her boss. He fired her because he blamed her for errors that she was not involved in.
She told me she wanted a divorce in 2010. This was during the time she had recently lost her job and she felt very overwhelmed and lost. She began to question all of her decisions in life. I cried, begged and pleaded. She was angry, but agreed to go to a Retrouvaille weekend (couples therapy). She began seeing a therapist and recommitted to our marriage.
She was workng retail at a garden/nursery center and was truely humiliated after such a successful career. This is where she first came into contact with the man she is currently in a PA with.
About a year later, the week before Christmas 2011, she was in a terrible car accident and broke her neck, ankle, leg and damaged her knees severely. This was a truamatic time, but I cared for her and our two boys myself. She had bouts of depression and breakdowns as she suffered through the healing experience.
She returned to work, and then the store closed for good. The nursery center that my W worked at decided not to renew their lease with the Landscape company that rented it to them. The following Spring, the owner of the landscape business ask my W if she would run the store for them. She accepted, but about a month later, the owner died of cancer which shocked everyone there. Including the hispanic laborer who my W is involved with the PA. He was essentially raised by this man(owner) and it was hard on him to lose his father figure. That may be their connection.
Regardless, my wife has been through alot over the past four years. I didn't help by complaining she worked too much and we never saw her. I was also very critical of her, judgemental, angry and drank too much. I would always try to solve her problems instead of just listen to them. She didn't want to have sex with me because she didn't like me very much and that caused problems.
So, there's alot to sift through.
Because I have looked at her emails and texts, I know she is planning on leaving when she gets her settlment money from the accident in about 6 months and plans to live with the OM.
I've been DBing and am a delite to live with. I'm very careful but she tells the OM I'm always around and it annoys her. I'm doing 180's and have given her no reason to become upset whatsoever.
I'll begin seing a therapist in 2 weeks and share all of this with him. I'm just don't know what else to do.
I feel like nothing I do matters and she hasn't said one thing about all I'm doing ...AND NOT DOING!!!
"There are things you can do that will have a positive effect on the outcome of all this mess, if you hope to save the M. "
What are some tips you may have to help.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
That makes good sense. I will continue to DB and 180, GAL. It's tough, but I understand the necessity.
Confronting her will be a challenge. Setting boundaries and consequences are a line in the sand and I'll have to be ready for her response which may not be what I want. Another problem is that we're expecting a significant settlement from a car accident that she was in and that will happen in about 6 months. Based on her emails and texts to OM, it looks like she is waiting for that to make her move.
I need a new car, ands she said in 6 months when we get the settlement, you can get a car. So, do I risk that issue by jumping the gun? Oh man...this is tough!
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
I appreciate your compliment. I'll keep DBing and praying. You're right about the snooping. I need to stop doing that, but it keeps me in the loop. I regret it each time. I need to stop.
What's your current status? I read 18 pages of your posts. How are things? Is W still in A? You still in the sticks in that house?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Spent the weekend riding bikes with the kids and painting inside the house. My W "worked" (she frequently works landscaping side jobs with the OM on weekends or just tells me she's working and they go spend the day together)all day Saturday and got home around 9:00 p.m. The neighbors asked to get together for some drinks, so we were sitting on the proch enjoying a drink when she arrived home. She grabbed a bite to eat and joined us for drinks and conversation.
The OM used to live a few houses down with a live-in girl friend, but he brought his wife over from Mexico and now she lives in the house with their two boys. He moved out as they are no longer "together" and he lives in an apartment with his girlfriend. The neighbors and I are aware of this information as we chit chat about the goings on in the neighborhood, plus my W shared all this info with us all as she maintains the facade of them as co-workers. I know there is an on-going issue between my W and the OM about this girlfriend he lives with. He claims that it's over with her and he's told her to move out, but she can't find a place. My W expresses her hurt for his dishonesty and unwillingness to get rid of her and he claims he's trying. I know this from previous texts I've seen.
I'm struggling because the conversation began to drift toward the OM and his girlfriend because the neighbors new of them while they lived in the neighborhood and know that my W still works with him, so they hit her up for gossip. They have no idea there's an affair going on between my wife and OM(previous neighbor).
Sitting there listening to all of this, knowing my wife is in an affair with him and hear her tell the neighbors of all the details about the OM's relationship with this girlfriend is hard to take. It's like a bazaro world.
Anyway, I'm confused about where my focus should be at this stage. Since my W is unaware that I know everything about her affair with OM, should I talk to her about our relationship and how I'm unhappy and want to work on myself because I know alot of our issues are a result of my attitude, behaviors and issues? Or do I strictly focus on DB techniques and simply demonstrate through my actions, 180's and GAL while this affair runs it's course?
Don't know what to do. Considering the issues they are dealing with, I'm hoping their relationship falls apart sooner than later. But who knows?
When she comes home from work, I do not initiate conversation. She says hello to the kids and hugs and kisses them. Out of awkwardness, I then greet her. After that, she remains pretty much to herself. Occasionally, she will strike up a conversation or tell me a detailed story about work or something. I just listen intently and validate her. This is where I find myself confused. Should I engage her? Ask about her day? Or just leave her alone? Doesn't it make me look aloof or disinterested to her if I remain silent?
ANY TIPS???
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
I know there's a lot of vets on here who have given you a lot of great advice but in your last post, you mention telling W about how unhappy you are and how you want to work on yourself.
I don't think there's any need for that. Just go and work on yourself. It sounds like you're home a lot with your children so uyou might need to find a hobby you can do at home but your W will notice if you start doing things. If you're not there for the "awkward greeting" and she has to come and find you, that's better than being at the door like a little puppy dog begging for some attention.
The only other thing I could suggest is setting up a boundary where she gets home at a decent hour so you can go out.
Can you provide some specifics for me with regard to your statement below:
"Please don't make the mistake many men make, by getting your focus on the OM and the A. The root problem was there before the OM ever came on the scene. There are things you can do that will have a positive effect on the outcome of all this mess, if you hope to save the M".
Now that you know some deatil of my situation, what specific things can I do that will have a positive effect on the outcome of all this mess? Considering I'm living everyday with my W, whom I love with all my heart, while she is invloved in EA and PA with this OM, I'm looking for the best approach to save my M.
Please provide your insight here with specific methods, tactics and approach so I don't do any more harm to this marriage!
Thanks,
You wisdom is appreciated!
DoubleDown
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
That makes sense. Being home all the time is tough and W probably resents that I'm there knowing that when she comes home, I'll be there. I guess I'll have to try something to get me out of the house.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Just got back from a week long vacation with my W and S5 and S8. The boys seemed to have fun. While we were traveling, my wife received a phone call from a perspective employer who she had interviewed with just 2 days prior. They offered her the job and she accepted. Great news. W has been depressed since 2009 as a result of losing her career position she held for 12+ years as a result of the economy. That was the beginning of her downward spiral emotionally. This job is just what she lost 5 years ago. She didn't seem very excited and kept to herself mostly. I tried to loosen her up and get her excited, but she chose to stress herself out with thinking about how she has to give notice to her current employer. That's where the OM works as well. So, it's no more seeing him everyday...or maybe she'll make excuses why she has to work late or stop off places after work in her new job.
Anyway, she kept her distance during our week together. It's the most time we've spent together in months. It was like pulling teeth to have a conversation with her.
Well, we're back home now. Back to work. this is day one back in the routine. I have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My DB coach suggested getting some anger management help and then sharing with W that I was listening to her and decided to get some help with that. It's one of the main factors that has caused problems with us. He's also a family and marriage counselor (Short Term Results Oriented)as well. Hopefully, he can provide some direction for me during this time. I'm really feeling unsettled and weak recently.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
