I stop in once in a while and read the situations. It's ironic that the stories are the same generally but the names change. hopefully this helps the newer folks to believe that GAL, detachment works and its the only way to heal. My original name was Spirit(former MLC'er) and Mirage.
Those two names have meaning to me. Spirit because this life is best lived in a spiritual manner. Many things will overwhelm you but maintain that positive spirit and you will prevail. Mirage to me means things are not what they seem expecially with our spouses, ex'es etc etc.
A little about me and GAL'ing. It saved me. skydiving(love it), hot air ballooning, reading, meditating, drawing, tennis, basketball, rollerhockey, and many more.
I faked it in the beginning(bomb day was 4 yrs ago, divorce was finalized approx. 1 yr ago)until I made it. I really enjoy the GAL now. It's part of my life, a new me if you will and very satisfying. I consider myself a total success story. I owe a lot of this to the people on this board at the time. They didn't let me wallow. They pushed me. I see the light so clearly now. I would have drowned in my own sorrow at the time it was happening. They helped me move to a place where I could be a rock for our kids when at the time I was hurting badly.
My relationship with our kids(BD they were 18,15,11, now 22, 19, 15) is fantastic with the older/younger one but the middle has been a real challenge. But hey that's life. Not everything is perfect, it can't be. It's how we handle things that counts.
There are two reasons why I am writing a followup. One is to let everyone know that some marriages will be saved, some won't. Ultimately you are here to save yourself, find yourself, find your inner strength, find that person you were meant to be. This may sound conceited but it comes from the heart. I am a more compassionate person today. I see good in many things. I like who I am. My relationships have healthy boundaries which I don't mind letting people know. I know where I stand, and guess what, I have more genuine relationships now then I ever had before.
The last thing I wanted to say is about EXW. She walked out approx. 3 1/2 years ago. I,m certain it was MLC(my opinion) although it doesn't matter and never looked back. She is still stuck in MLC today. The reason I bring this up is that our kids will come and have a talk about there Mom. I feel I need to listen, validate what I can and remain impartial. There relationship with their Mom is their business. My oldest sat down last night and said he found out a few things.
He was working on her computer and found e-mails and read a few. He told me the following:
Mom was cheating on you while you were married. It was with the young guy she hired at work. They were going to run away and start a new family. Apparently they broke up a month ago, This was going on for 4 years or so.
This is why you need to be able to get out of your own way and be there when someone runs off the tracks. There needs to be a detached, Gal'ing balanced individual to be the rock for those left behind.
My son said,
Dad, we were dispensible, she was just going to leave us. Like we didn't matter. That makes me mad.
She is totally broken dad. She is worse now then when she walked out on us the first time.
My response was "she walked out on herself"
I am at a place where this tugs(very lightly) at my male ego but not much anymore. This is a glimpse of an MLC'er 4 yrs down the road.
Again,
I appreciate this site more than I can say. Please listen to the advice you get and remember you are the important one that needs to be saved. Save yourself first so you are there and in a good place to help save others.
Wow. There's some wounding there for your children. When my parents divorced (so long ago) and my dad "replaced" my mom with another wife, and we complained about her and he said "That's my wife, and I won't hear it," I definitely felt replaced. It would have been nice if someone had re-assured me, at the time. Then I wouldn't have carried that thought for so many years later.
It helps to hear from someone that has made it out to the other side.
I get angry with myself sometimes for not being over this already but your post reminded me I just need to keep doing the things I am doing. It has been working... It works slowly but it works
Thanks again
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
The trip to the other side did not take me where I thought I wanted to go in the beginning. I understand the anger portion of wanting to be over it.
It's funny, I try to pinpoint the day it all changed for me but there was no specific day. It just kinda came to be. The process as you say was so slow.
Hang in there. I can tell you the other side of this is an amazing place mentally.
I am one who believes you live this life from the inside out. I think a majority of people live it from the outside in, that's why you see so much running.
Thanks for checking in. I am doing wonderful. I happened to check on the site and saw the book thing from way back. It made me think about the path and how some things in life MLC, divorce, brothers death could have such a profound affect and turn out be such a blessing in my life now. Thought I would share the some of the books besides DB that helped.
The internal strength is almost superhuman if I had to describe it. What a ride to get there. From desperation to freedom and a successful divorced single lifestyle with kids.
My kids (now 1 adult almost moving out) and the other two getting older are doing well. I can tell how they are now that I did some things right during the dark days. LOL.
