Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Hi F4ML

I'm like WBW - I was to married a great guy, but that's not the same guy I'm married to now. I'm not ready to give up on him yet, because I still believe he's worth it. If your H is MLC, he's not capable of thinking straight, and he'll do a lot of things that you'll find confusing and hurtful. Whether he means it or not, you may never know. Whether he even realizes he's doing it, you may never know.

Don't ever suggest to him that he's MLC, don't initiate talks about your R. Don't snoop - it's not going to help and will in fact make you feel worse.

You do have to stay strong and positive, and trust me it's not going to be easy. Your kids are grown, but you still need to be strong for them as well as yourself. Focus on what you can do for you. If your H has made any complaints, see if there is anything you can do to 180 them. GAL - find something you've always wanted to do or something you haven't done in a long time, and start doing it. Don't sit around the house waiting for your H to come around.

Keep posting and read other threads. We can all learn from each other on here. In fact, one of the best, and smartest, things I've done since BD is register on this forum.

Stay strong, stay positive.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
C
New Member
Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted By: Fighting4mylife
I am getting really depressed and can't stop thinking about it. What if he is really into just one person online? What do I do?
Well, I'd be searching for the truth. And if you find another woman, I'd be confronting and saying her or me, I won't share you.

Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 17
F
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
F
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 17
Thanks for the positive words. Had a bad day yesterday because he was on a business trip and didn't phone at all. I 180d though and didn't pester him. He is off for 10 days now as we go to the beach. I am praying that everything goes okay. Just trying to be a friend at this stage so he can see me in a positive light. What gets me is that we are going along fine and then he comes out with these random awful statements. I almost have anxiety attacks when he says them. I try to not let him see how bad they are. I guess this is an MLC. He is drinking an enormouse amount as well and keeps telling the kids and I what a waste the last 15 years have been and how much we have held him back. Has no problem telling kids this either. (Note: we have been married 18 year - 15 years is the amount of time we have been in the US since moving from UK.) Wish me luck on Vacation!


Fighting for my life
W=45 H=38
M=18yrs
D=16
D=13
Bomb Dropped = 5/10/13
Still in house for I guess another two years according to him.
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
F4ML, just concentrate on enjoying the vacation for yourself and your kids. Your H needs to figure things out for himself.

It's hard not to take things personally. Try not to show that his comments hurt - crying in the shower is a great release and no one else sees it. Venting or journalling on here will help as well. Have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting? Also Sandi's Rules (posted in the Newcomers section).

You and your kids have to be your focus now. You need to give your H the time and space he needs to figure himself out. It's not going to be easy, you'll have good days and bad days, but if you do everything you're supposed and nothing that you're not supposed to, you'll find that you're a better person yourself at the end of it all regardless of the outcome.

It looks like you're still on moderation, so post little and often. You'll soon get off moderation and your posts will pop up right away.

Remember, nothing is going to change overnight. You're in for a long ride, so you've got to stay strong and, hard as it may be, try to keep a PMA.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Originally Posted By: catperson
Originally Posted By: Fighting4mylife
I am getting really depressed and can't stop thinking about it. What if he is really into just one person online? What do I do?
Well, I'd be searching for the truth. And if you find another woman, I'd be confronting and saying her or me, I won't share you.


This is definitely wrong. Do not snoop. Do not confront. Do not make any ultimatums. This is completely opposite to what DBing is about.

Concentrate on you. Your H is not going to tell you the truth now. He is confused and probably can't differentiate truth from fiction right now.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 133
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 133
2-6 years? sounds like his plan is to stick around till the kids are grown - which is good! some men abandon their families and at least he is not doing that. also this gives you time to work on DB techniques.

GAL and don't build your life around him. you're worth more than that!

read the part of DB about MLC. it's not easy to ride out the storm but it can be done!


Me: 60 H: 63
married 40, together 42
3 grown kids
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
C
New Member
Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted By: Not Quitting
Originally Posted By: catperson
Originally Posted By: Fighting4mylife
I am getting really depressed and can't stop thinking about it. What if he is really into just one person online? What do I do?
Well, I'd be searching for the truth. And if you find another woman, I'd be confronting and saying her or me, I won't share you.
This is definitely wrong. Do not snoop. Do not confront. Do not make any ultimatums. This is completely opposite to what DBing is about. Concentrate on you. Your H is not going to tell you the truth now. He is confused and probably can't differentiate truth from fiction right now.
I disagree. You need honesty in your marriage. If he's hiding something, he's harming the marriage and keeping you from making decisions based on the truth.

Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
Yes catperson, you do need honesty in a marriage, but it should be freely offered. Confrontation and snooping aren't going to accomplish anything other than pushing your partner further away.

F4ML, read Sandi's Rules - these can be found in the Newcomers section. Among the other rules it say "do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc". Hopefully a vet will come along and give you advice as well, but I'd certainly start by not snooping. You're not going to feel any better by doing so.

Your focus right now is to work on yourself. You cannot make anyone change but yourself. Your H is more than likely not going to tell you the truth even if you do confront him. The only thing that will do is push him further away.

As Too Trusting posted "GAL and don't build your life around him. you're worth more than that! Read the part of DB about MLC. it's not easy to ride out the storm but it can be done!"

You're in for a long bumpy ride on a journey you didn't choose. It's not going to be easy but if you truly believe your H is worth the effort then you're going to do what it takes. Get hold of DB and DR and read them. Read other threads here. Use this forum to vent or journal; posting little and often will get you off moderation. You're not alone; you'll get loads of support on this site.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Not Quitting
Yes catperson, you do need honesty in a marriage, but it should be freely offered. Confrontation and snooping aren't going to accomplish anything other than pushing your partner further away.

F4ML, read Sandi's Rules - these can be found in the Newcomers section. Among the other rules it say "do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc". Hopefully a vet will come along and give you advice as well, but I'd certainly start by not snooping. You're not going to feel any better by doing so.



There IS a "third way" here. Simply ASSUME THAT HE IS (having at LEAST an emotional affair), and plan and behave accordingly. The chances are extremely high that he is, based on what you've told us here.

I'm with cat -- I'd rather have the solid proof, and plan my life accordingly -- but if you think you can't handle what's necessary to get it, then merely assume there is infidelity here, and proceed accordingly.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 133
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 133
Originally Posted By: Not Quitting
Yes catperson, you do need honesty in a marriage, but it should be freely offered. Confrontation and snooping aren't going to accomplish anything other than pushing your partner further away.

I agree with this view; and agree with the first part of what Starsky wrote, about assuming that there is probably at least an EA going on, because all the symptoms point to that.

but I would not search for "solid proof" as Starsky and CP suggest. now is not the right time for that. I would just consider this as part of the general craziness of his MLC.

if you find "solid proof" and confront him about it, is that going to move you closer to your goals, or farther from your goals?

at this stage, searching for "proof" and/or confronting could actually take something that is *not* important and make him feel that it is more significant than it really is.

think of a 5-year old playing with a toy that you don't want him to be playing with. he actually might be starting to lose interest in it, and be about to put it down anyway, but if you say, "give it to me right now!" he will say, "no! I want it!" and hang onto it as if it were the most important thing in his life.

remember, this is not e.g. a coworker that he gradually developed an attachment to - that might be true competition and then you might want to confront. but this is all part of his MLC craziness, and it is better to ignore it along with the rest of the symptoms and just "ride out the storm".

if you are waiting for a hurricane to pass by, you don't start doing repairs while the hurricane is in full force. you wait till it has passed by, then you start working on repairs. in the meantime you do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family and get through the storm.


Me: 60 H: 63
married 40, together 42
3 grown kids
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard