This life is more than just a read through

[Mtnman]

You showed her some PMA too! You have to have confidence to make fun of yourself, and to brag on yourself. Well played.

[reachingHigher]

It was sweet. It was cute. I like it.

Just being you ... the old you mixed with the new & improved you. And she liked it.

[ThisDayForward]

Ok T2 I'm still on board. I requested my account be closed but admin never did. Of course I am FREAKED out. My W has called L that she already met with. After finding this forum she said "you haven't changed at all, you're on the internet bashing me to everyone." She said she is filing. The L's # all over our caller id and she has a babysitter for Friday morning. I know deep within my heart it had nothing to do with the forum. she has been looking for validation to leave me for quite sometime. She has been snooping my phone and email and she kept coming up empty handed. She has been waiting for me to make a mistake. Finding the forum is just her internal justification. She WAS not happy reading that I thought she had some sort of mood disorder/MLC going on.

I did try speaking with her but she wanted to do with conversation. She just kept cursing at me. I said snooping in my personal forum is like taping my counseling session.

Stuff came out that I was fearing to tell her. Like her txting other dudes. How hurtful I thought it was. That after family vacation trip she distanced herself for no good reason. that she made up some excuse why but then 2 weeks later retracted it.

We went over EA. She didn't know our abbreviations. She thought it meant extramartial affair. i explained emotional affair the best I could without attacking. Basically saying OM got attached to you enough to make a pass at you while we were separated.

So much came out but in the end she feels I haven't changed and this was final straw to break the camels back.

One of the reasons we got physically separated in the past was because I was narotic about her hormones. I know this. So for her to read me referencing it again made her LIVID. sorry that is how I feel and that is what I feel is part of our problem.

She told me that I was the sole reason she had a nervous breakdown. That she went to hospital 5 times with panic attacks. (I did remind her I was by her side each time). Her breakdown started after she weened our youngest off breast feeding. But she continued to blame me for her breakdowns.

She also blamed me and said our failed M was 100% my fault. Basically she was the perfect W for 9 years and I was selfish. that me helping out now with laundry and stuff isn't enough.

Basically I feel my W checked out of this M long time ago and she was faking it to try to make it. I've been trying to be perfect (not healthy environment) and not make 1 mistake but it was always something I did.

I tried to explain that DB forum was a save your marriage forum and self help to make me a better person. Without it I wouldn't be making any changes within myself. Did not want to hear it. I said it was private and anonymous.

I'm sick to my stomach today. I've cried all morning like a baby. Not in front of her etc..I'm hurting. Part of me knows that this M is so toxic and unhealthy. that if she does no work it really won't work. I can't do it by myself.

I know that what happened, happened for a reason. the bandaid came off. There were lots of positive things in my posts that she read. (i read all the posts she read based on history tab).
She chose to find the hormonal, mood disorder, mlc ones. It really did look BAD.

sorry for jacking your thread but you have been there for me in the past and I don't want to start my own for now. I'm trying to go underground and still get support. Ugh. Thank you

[job]

TDF,
It's too late now, but you should have put a lock on your laptop so that she wouldn't have been snooping. She's going to continue coming back to the check the postings for evidence of you and your postings. She's paranoid right now and anything that she can get on you, she will use it. Please stop watching her for any signs of change. It takes a long time to heal old wounds and she's got plenty to deal w/and doesn't want your help right now.

I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did, but maybe now, you will step way back and leave her alone. She needs time and space to figure things out for herself. You, on the other hand, need to continue on w/what you were doing in the way of support off line. You need to walk your own life's journey on your on and rediscover the person who is buried deep within.

Please stop trying to diagnosis her problems. That is the one thing that anyone in mlc or any other type of condition wants to hear from others. Like an addict, she will need to figure things out by herself. The more you try to talk to her about it, the more determined she will be to walk away and not truly listen to what you have to say. Leave her alone!

Now, turn the focus back on to you and start living some of the steps you've learned thus far. Those steps are: patience, keeping the focus on you, finding new hobbies, etc., giving her space and time, no more relationship discussions and learn to listen and validate. One last thing...keep the focus on you and your children from now. Learn to accept that she's not the person you once knew. Until you learn to accept that you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her, you will continue to spin. The only person you can fix is yourself and that's the most important thing right now.

Again, I'm sorry about your situation.

T2, sorry for my hi-jack.

[ThisDayForward]

Thx Snodderly. I'm pretty sure she is filing tomorrow which makes me really really sad.

[ThisDayForward]

and yes I shouldn't have been posting MLC,hormonal etc on here. The posts should have been around what I was doing to fix me. I requested my threads be removed (done) and my account closed. Damage is done.

[RosaLinda]

Thing is, I SAW the "old look" when she thought I was funny/fun/whatever from all these years...it was there for that minute.
What was cool was it just flowed natural, just being me (new+old)...no try, just be.
Maybe a wee crack in the wall happened?

T, thanks for sharing that cute exchange with W. I think when we and our spouses can just enjoy each other and share humor again, even if just for a minute, it does make a wee crack in the wall. And we all know what happens once there is a wee crack - it's much easier to get a wedge in there and pry the whole thing right open.

P, what a horrible thing to have happened, sorry. A problem is that even if you close your account, stuff that you have posted is already available online via google. So W is sort of right - in her eyes you ARE on the internet bashing her to everyone. I inadvertently learned this when googling something about Russia (my H's OW is a Russian Tramp) and to my horror, a post I had written on this forum popped up. Yikes! I changed my name and location.

I have read a lot of your old threads in the past, and you have been at this a long time. You aren't always doing everything perfectly, but which of us do things as well as T? Not me, that's for sure. I disagree that you should not have been writing about your W's hormones etc on this forum, the forum is for us and what ever is bothering us. We are friends and support each other.

Like Snodderly said, turn the focus back on you. You know the drill, and also that no matter what you do, everything is always the Stander's fault when the MLCer is in certain stages. Nothing you can do about that at all. Just secure your computer, and go back to DBing the best you can.

[MileHigh]

Holy carp! I just put in to change my username. Based on what Linda said I Googled just my username, and one of the first hits was a post from here. Geez. (And I'm supposed to be computer savvy). The problem is, I use that name in other places. Not that I think my W is Googling my username, but...

Google is just too pervasive.

[uRworthy]

Nice job, T2. Just be you, my friend. You can never go wrong.

BTW, I find myself hysterically funny. Is that bad? LOL!

[Raine]

uR, I think it's just one of the reason I think you're so great!