It’s been about 8 years since I got the ILYBNILWY speech from W which she followed up with “ I don’t fancy you” which is a bit of a childish statement but I guess it did convey her feelings towards me. I used to post on here regularly when I was an active DB’er through newcomers and piecing although I have not posted in about four years. I may link up my old threads but they may not be relevant as I’m just looking for a place to journal my current situation and feelings.
Currently W and I have been living as separate entities under the same roof for the last 2 years and are divorcing based on that case (UK Law). I have the court documents here which I need to sign and return.
I am journaling now as the situation is getting to me, we started our living our separate lives 2 year ago when I found a text from W’s original lover of 8 years ago, although their affair was over there was contact between them for which I said enough was enough. In the intervening time I know W has had many friendships or PA outside the marriage whilst she was trying to convince me we were in piecing. It was at the start of this year when W actually said we should divorce, I think the reason was she has found someone else to move on with.
So living under the same roof is stress full but I though I was coping, however I’m at the point now where I’m feeling the strain when W goes out and returns home in the wee hours after spending time with her new friend, again I thought I could cope. However this last occasion she spent the whole day and night out and when she returned she left her over night bag in full view of which was full of all sorts of paraphernalia and sex toys the sight of which knocked me sick. I also feel a mixture of jealousy, shame anger humiliation etc.(I hope you can understand this) in all our time together W convinced me she wasn’t interested in sex, and when it did happen infrequently it was straight up and down missionary and done when she said that’s enough now.
I can’t believe the person she’s changed into, but on reflection she was always this person I just wasn’t the one to light her spark. I was 100% faithfull to the marriage and lack of intimacy over the years is hurting me especially as I see W moving on and getting it on.
So how do I overcome and survive, well I know I need to GAL, I go to the gym everyday and am losing pounds, W always called me fat (and ugly) and sighted this as one of her reasons for not being with me. As this is a very hot summer I also take my bike in to the countryside and cycle to help clear my mind. W also spends a lot of time away from the house so I do get to spend quality time with D11, she’s a good kid and knows what is going on and accepts her mother is a bad one but loves still her as any kid should.
I’ve tried dating websites but frankly have’t met anyone to connect with, any the ladies that seem to be interested in me are just not my type. I think the long and the short of it is that I’m not ready for dating, probably won’t be until after the big D, so I’m on here looking for survival tips whilst I go through the D process.
So my first post in a section that I never wanted to be in but ultimately know I’d be here.
I have been reading another thread by RockJC and picked up some similarites to my case. I'm kinda relieved that I'm not going mad and am the only one in this situation.
Originally Posted By: RockJC
How did my life ever get here? What happened to the woman I married?
I keep asking myslelf this question. I think the common answer is the W we married is gone and we are faced with this strainger we have to share a house with.
Originally Posted By: Thumpered
I know this sounds awful, but from what I've read from many others, its best to treat it like the wife you remember died, and so did that marriage. Your waiting for a new wife to come into the picture with a whole new marriage. I like the aliens kidnapped my spouse version more thou. Either way, you get the point, the old wife is NEVER coming back, maybe you need to look at your wife and act like your a friendly stranger to detach. I know that's not easy either, but its true. Just say to yourself "Who is that woman?, cause its not my wife."
This is the quote
Originally Posted By: kml
but it sure sounds like your W is in a crazy place right now (crazy MLC? )
I wish I could put my sitch down to this but she been on this path since D11 was born
Originally Posted By: RockJC
She always has to win, and if I don't take a vary passive turn the other cheek approach, it would spiral out of control. I have learned that over the years, but I am tired of being afraid of her. I need to assert myself on certain issues regardless of the conflict it creates.
I can relate to this.
Originally Posted By: RockJC
My W refuses to move out for many reasons: 1) Money - she likes me paying all the bills 2) Convenience - she likes having me around to pay for the kids 3) Future custody/house - her L told her not to move out 4) She likes living in the same house with her kids.
and this.
There are other similarities which I pick up on, but the one advantage RockJC has over me is that he has a line of communication with his W, in my sitch we only talk if we need to and that is very rare.
I’ll add my signature at the end of this post so you can see it’s taken a long time to get to this point and it’s not a decision that has been taken lightlty, in fact I am at a point (like you ) where a D is need to break the cycle. I have lots of threads from newcomers and piecing but not really going to link them up.
My sister always said to me that W didn’t want me, but didn’t want anyone else to have me, so to that effect whenever I said “enough was enough” W would throw me a little hope and we would get through another 6 months. When things were looking good, out of the blue an argument would start and we would fall out and be back to square one. I used to think it was my fault but I can now see it was part of W’s long term strategy. I think W has used me as her security blanket while she has explored what’s out there. Her behaviour this time is more like a teenager than that of a woman nearly 50.
However she looked stunning on her last night out which got to me, I normally stay out of her way and try not to look at her cos I’m still not over her and it will take a long time for that to happen. The other thing getting to me is all the intimate things I suggested, but W said were too disgusting, she seems to carrying them out on an extreme level now in her new life. It’s her life (but it should be ours).
So under UK law we are under going a divorce by 2 year separation (even though we are in the same house) W has file and I have responded that I won’t contest (either of us could have filed). Divorce is filed at court and we have a minimum of eight weeks before we can file for the decree absolute to end the marriage. In reality that 8 weeks becomes 6 – 9 months as we failed to agree financial terms in mediation. A judge a court will make a final ruling on who gets what. I like you am trying to keep the house but it will be a struggle what ever happens and I know W and her legal team are looking to take me for most of what I have.
So by the end of this year I should be divorce from W, one or both of us will be out of the house depending on what financial things are enforced and we move on with our lives.
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
Hello and sorry to say "Welcome". I read your journal entry and I can somewhat see how your wife is behaving because she sounds a lot like my best friend. Your situation is very similar. The main difference is that my best friend and her husband communicated the boundaries of their dating, so it really became like an open marriage, which was a very bad idea and extremely hurtful. They are back together and piecing as she decided to get counseling.
Have you or your wife attended therapy. I know DB can say that therapy can hurt, but it really helped my friends see how their pasts affect their current situation.
You keep on cycling and doing things for your health and happiness. Keep on journaling. Stay positive for your daughter's sake. Your wife is not crazy. Sometimes women do have a MLC and want to feel alive in selfish ways. Hopefully, she will realize it, but she may not.
The hardest thing is wondering if we should wait or give up and move on. If we are not interested in dating, it makes us stay in limbo land. I agree with you. I am not ready to date or even think about anyone new right now. Yuck.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Unfortunately, I see a lot of stories like this on this site. LBS working very hard and dealing with extreme emotional abuse, only to be used and discarded. I see that in both our situations. I want to save my marriage, but I don't want to be treated like this any longer.
I am glad to see that you are at least moving forward to some sort of closure. I know it is not what you wanted, but at least there is an end. The abuse will stop.
2 years into our Marriage W and I were in couples counselling, it was W’s idea as I wasn’t shaping into the man she wanted me to be, she wanted me to be a bit more like her Dad and her and brother. In the counselling it turned out I was ok and the spotlight focused on W’s behaviour, she stopped counselling after a few sessions and wouldn’t hear of it again. At the time she said any problems in the marriage we can sort out together. Also as far as counselling goes W doesn’t believe she is doing anything wrong, all the blame lies with me and she has given up on me now so no more counselling.
I’m not sure about W being crazy or MLC but she’s doing things that seem crazy to others but not her. Actually not a lot of family and friends know what is going on, I had the burden of keeping things quiet and to some extend playing the devoted husband even though I was being crushed inside. Sometimes I want to scream to everyone that knows us what is going on but too be honest not many of them would care and it wouldn’t change much.
Hi Rock,
How do you cope with the situation when your W is on holiday with OM, I mean how do you block out the mental images, Actually I’m already dealing (not coping) with it as W has her overnight liaisons. But school holidays start at the weekend, D11 is going camping with girl guides and W will be taking a weekend break in London with her OM. I know we are done but you can’t just switch off 20 years of feelings overnight. (sad but true).
//How do you cope// - Very poorly. Ultimately, I am coping with a D. Now my W still claims that the relationship is not romantic and that there is no sex. Do I believe her? No. It is awful and I think the term "emotional abuse" is accurate.
//W doesn’t believe she is doing anything wrong// Neither does mine. I find this incredible. I think of the story in Judges. If you haven't read it, it is an amazing story. It ends with the statement "25 In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as they saw fit." Judges 21:25. Man has an incredible ability to justify the morality of any action that they want to take. If "I deserve to be happy" is your mantra, then almost any behavior is moral.
I fight with the mental images all day and night. It seems to be a constant battle, but I'm the type of person who vividly imagines the worse case (or remembers past hurts). It's something I'm trying to work on because it's tied up in my depression/anger, etc.
The GAL activities are supposed to help, and I know they can, even from past experience on my first time around here.
Sometime I'm a glutten for punishment, I watch W's behaviour read various signs and I used to snoop (can't do that now as W is very security conscious) but I can normally work out what is going on. When W returned from her last night out and left her overnight bag in full view I did peek inside and see all that stuff and that sent my mind spiralling out of control.
She's not my problem and I have been distant over the last 2 years but being under the same roof its hard not to want to know what's going on. But when step back and watch what is going on its not too much different from when she had her 2 year PA 2005 - 2007.
This weekend I'll need to keep ultra busy to stop my mind wandering.
