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#2368402 07/18/13 02:04 AM
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It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. A lot has happened with me.

A switch flipped. I am done. I no longer want to wait to see if somewhere down the line my H might change his mind about OW he has been in love with for the past 18+ months.

He confirmed his path has not changed. He is unwilling to give her up.

I am unwilling to waste any more of my life hoping and praying that he will change his mind and actions after all this time.

I starting DBing before I even knew about OW or that my M was in deep trouble.

I did not save my M BUT I DID SAVE MYSELF!

My H and I sort of came to the same place at the same time. Dropping the rope for me DOES mean DIVORCE.

I don't want a divorce, but he does. And, I DO want a partner in life. I DO want to heal. I DO want to forgive my H for his choices. I DO want to love someone and receive their love in return. (And, yes, I do have 3 wonderful boys who I love and love me back, but it is not the same as a life partner).

And, for me I have realized that means I need to let go. Completely.

Will my heart allow me to let go? Probably not for a very long time, but I know I need to do this FOR ME.

Without going into a whole lot of less useful details I wanted to share with you that I received CLARITY...a gift from GOD that gave me the freedom and permission to let go.

I can tell you that I had a conversation w my H right before I left on my week-long trip w my SIL in which I asked if he was still pursuing this OW. I DID want the answer. And, although the answer wasn't what I wanted to hear, it was what I expected to hear.

I cried and cried and cried some more. But, I knew for me I had arrived in a new place.

I went on my trip. I connected more to God. I connected to my SIL & have gained a new R w her that I would never have had if this hadn't occurred.

I went on a trip right after that w my boys & met up w my entire family in the midwest. I was sad and so wanted to enjoy their company. But, I couldn't knowing what was to come.

Sure enough I returned late last night and H showed up to see the boys today. He initiated conversation about where we are headed. The "D" word surfaced.

We talked and I cried. I took a break to throw a plate against my basement wall. IT felt both good and bad.

My H hugged me several times, but it did nothing to stop the hurt.

We talked about the kids and visitation. We talked about the house. We talked about the boat. We agreed on nothing.

This may be a long road ahead- not one I look forward to, but I do want to get to the "other side" where I can move forward, heal, forgive, and maybe some day when I am ready a new man will come into my life.

First, I need to arrive at happiness myself. I am heading in the right direction thanks to DBing!

I have been so fortunate to have found this site--I don't believe it was accidental. Thank you to all of you here.

I am not done here, but I am in a new place and will need your help navigating the tough road ahead.


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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So sorry it's come to this, but you have a strength that you didn't have earlier in your sitch and I'm confident you'll handle this with a high level of dignity. I want to say this to you, please don't think you're "quitting". A lot of people think that they are quitting if they release all hope, but it is NOT quitting. It is an acknowledgement that it is what you must do to save yourself and move on with your life. Unfortunately, although DB'ing is all about the LBS doing all the work to save the M, in the end it takes BOTH spouses to save the M. And way too often the WAS never comes around to wanting to save the M. If the LBS decides they've waited long enough, then so be it. I know 100% that you didn't make this decision lightly, so I fully support you. Good luck and be strong!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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And by the way, I'm at a similar point myself. I've come to realize that my W is no longer the person I fell in love with and married, and that it's very likely she never will be again. I am not in love with the person she is now. I love her as I do family members; as the mother of my children. But not romantically, those feelings have vanished.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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littleGTO, love your clarity. I fully understand your position.

Quote:
I starting DBing before I even knew about OW or that my M was in deep trouble.

I did not save my M BUT I DID SAVE MYSELF!

I wrote something similar on my thread recently: DBing often doesn't rescue the marriage - but it saves oneself, and that already is a major success.

Continue on your path - you have chosen the right direction.

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GTO, I know how very difficult that conversation was with your h.

I want you to know I see such strength in you.

We all must walk our own path.

You handled this with dignity and courage.

You are ready for the next part of your journey.

There will be some really tough stuff coming up. Remember to take care of yourself and use what you've learned all these months.

I hope you come to know happiness and love, and most of all, peace.

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Oh, AS!
I cried when I read your post to me...for giving me the conviction of my decision.

Not quitting has always been a big deal for me-- I want to go forward knowing I gave my M every chance that I could have, as I know you have done also.

I do love my H, but my feelings have changed too. He is not the same man I married.

longrun-- I am confident, even in my sadness, of my decision to move forward. Life is too short to waste and although I don't think for a second any of us here are wasting life by standing for our marriages, I think each of us has to determine at what point we are ready to move forward on the path we are already on.

I am scared of the road ahead, but hey, there could be really really great things ahead and I'd never know if I didn't start moving toward them. And the scary possibilities, well, I have faced so much that I can't even imagine (other than losing a child) anything scarier/worse than I've already endured.

I hope I can forgive and heal. I so want that.

AS, maybe we'll meet someday down the road...I admire you for all the help you've given to everyone here and your own journey parallels mine in many ways. And, hey, I'm all for a man who has taken the journey of personal growth & has gotten ripped in the process!!! smile


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,001
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Thank you, uRw,
I appreciate your words of encouragement and validation.

I realize the road ahead will be bumpy & that hopefully w DBing I will remember to take the high road whenever I can & yet to stand up for myself (calmly and rationally).


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 2,695
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Turtle...I know these feelings you have and I myself are struggling with them. I also spent the better portion of last night not really sleeping, comeing to a few decisions to save myself.

I hope that when I am ready to be where you are, I can handle it with the strength, clarity, and courage you are showing.

Love you

Ruby

Hugs in person soon.....

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GTO, I'm sending you strength and love.

I think you thought about this for a long time and are following what you feel is best for you.

Be patient with yourself as you advance on this path and know we're here for you.

(((((((((((((((()))))))))))))

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Originally Posted By: littleGTO

I do love my H, but my feelings have changed too. He is not the same man I married.


Ditto, I now know exactly what that ILYBINILWY sentiment feels like!

Quote:
Life is too short to waste and although I don't think for a second any of us here are wasting life by standing for our marriages, I think each of us has to determine at what point we are ready to move forward on the path we are already on.


Well said smile

Quote:
I am scared of the road ahead, but hey, there could be really really great things ahead and I'd never know if I didn't start moving toward them.


I have a few friends that have been through the WAS thing and from early on they kept telling me that eventually I would be HAPPIER than before and that GREATER things were in my future than I realized. That was very hard to believe early on, I really thought the best I could hope for without W was just to exist, to barely scrape by. But they were right, I already live a more fulfilling life than I have in years, even well before BD.

Quote:
AS, maybe we'll meet someday down the road...I admire you for all the help you've given to everyone here and your own journey parallels mine in many ways. And, hey, I'm all for a man who has taken the journey of personal growth & has gotten ripped in the process!!! smile


LOL! Thank you, and yes, that would be awesome to meet smile Speaking of parallel journeys, our BD's were only 4 days apart, how crazy is that?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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