Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[PatientMan]

This is my 4th thread (you can see a snapshot of my timeline in my sig). Thanks to all who have kept up with me and especially to those who have offered words of support, encouragement, and advice. It has truly been invaluable.

Previous threads:
1: Thanks
2: Becoming Patient Man
3: Becoming Patient Man II - Still En-Route, Post-D

In the latter part of my week off I came to some difficult realizations. Bluntly: she isn’t someone I want to be with right now.

• I DON’T want to be with someone who starts a relationship with another man while she is still married.
• I DON’T want to be with someone who starts a relationship with a MARRIED man, potentially breaking up a second family.
• I DON’T want to be someone who lies, deceives, and sneaks around – and is seemingly okay with it.

I realized that she just isn’t the person I fell in love with and loved with all my heart for so many years. She just isn’t. I believe her when she says she has changed into someone else because she is acting like someone else.

So I realized that I’m in love with a memory.

This version of her that I see before me is just a cheap facsimile of the woman I fell in love with. At first glance she looks the same as the original, but upon closer inspection it’s quite clear that she isn’t.

The irony is that I convinced her of the same. That I had changed into someone else and the me she fell in love with was never coming back. I convinced her of that and she allowed herself to be convinced of that. The difference is, the real me was trapped inside and wanted out, it just took something as ground shaking as the BD to make it happen.

Now, I’m not absolving my responsibility in creating who she is today, I’m just acknowledging what reality is: she isn’t somebody who I can be with. Not like this.

The OM that she fell for almost two years ago, he has some similarities to me. But I chose not to befriend this person long before that because I could see serious character flaws in him and I don’t associate myself with those types of people. He’s a weak man, a poor father and role model, and when the you know what hits the fan, he is worried about one thing and one thing only: numero uno. He will do whatever it takes to save his own hide when times get tough. I just don’t respect someone like that, and that is what I thought of him BEFORE I found out he was sneaking around with my wife.

So if she is attracted to him? Then yeah, if that is what she is looking for in a man, then she is definitely not going to be looking to me. I could name a bunch of other stuff where I’m a better catch than him, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter for me healing and I don’t think she’s seeing him anyway.

One of the biggest things that bothered me throughout this whole ordeal was that she “just couldn’t” open herself up to me again. She “just couldn’t” take that wall down that she has erected between us. And obviously she doesn’t have a wall up for every man because she was involved with another. The wall is just for me, and that stings. She acknowledges my changes, she admits that I’m better, but she “just can’t” turn the feelings back on and open herself up to me. She can’t or won’t or both.

But then I think about who she is now, and somehow I’m okay with it. She isn’t someone who I want to be with anyway. I can’t trust her and she hasn’t worked on rebuilding that trust with me.

So now, all of a sudden, since I see her differently, I’m able to focus on moving forward. I know I still have a lot of hurt in my future. I think it’s natural and I’m expecting it. But if she is unwilling to change, then I am moving forward. I guess it kinda sux that it took this for me to be able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start journeying again, but it’s my reality and I’m going to make the best of it.

-PM

[PatientMan]

On the subject of detaching. I learned there are (at least) two arenas to conquer in order to be "detached".

1) I have read a lot about successful detaching being when you are not on your spouse's roller coaster anymore...when their actions and attitudes don't affect you all that much or change the way YOU act. Getting off the roller coaster is fundamental detachment...Detachment 101, if you will. I can say I have successfully conquered this, and I realized it a few weeks ago. I am certainly empathetic to XW and I definitely don't like when she is down, but my days no longer ebb and flow based on her moods and treatment of me.

2) Time and energy consumption. This one comes up quite a bit and is an offshoot of GAL. The LBS, especially during the depression or grieving stages (whatever you experience), is absolutely CONSUMED by the situation and constantly thinks about it and the WAS. This I have NOT conquered. However, this is where the rubber meets the road when the vets tell you the importance of GAL! What start off as distractions and PMA boosters turn into new habits and hobbies, and eventually the repaired, newer, and stronger you.

***
Understanding that you both have to get off your spouse's roller coaster AND stop being consumed by your situation are essential to coming out the other side of this.

If anyone else has more to add, please feel free to do so.

-PM

[DigDeeper]

Hi PM, having been reach every thread of yours. I must say that all your journals have given me hope on becoming a better person. I really appreciate what you have done for the community on the whole

[planet]

PatientMan. I know how you feel.
My situation is different from yours but at least my WAW was truly honest about it and nothing really inappropriate materialize.

You detachment is truly amazing. Will be learning from you.

[PatientMan]

While I'm a little surprised by it, I'm glad I can be of service. Thanks for your support.

Not much to update. At times I "feel" like I am moving past XW... more each day, it seems (though it isn't linear). Actually, it's more of a "I feel already past her... when did this happen? Because I didn't notice it and all of a sudden I'm here" feeling.

-PM

[Maritimer]

So I realized that I’m in love with a memory.

This version of her that I see before me is just a cheap facsimile of the woman I fell in love with. At first glance she looks the same as the original, but upon closer inspection it’s quite clear that she isn’t.

The irony is that I convinced her of the same. That I had changed into someone else and the me she fell in love with was never coming back. I convinced her of that and she allowed herself to be convinced of that. The difference is, the real me was trapped inside and wanted out, it just took something as ground shaking as the BD to make it happen.

Now, I’m not absolving my responsibility in creating who she is today, I’m just acknowledging what reality is: she isn’t somebody who I can be with. Not like this.

You sum up how I feel about my wife really well in this quote!

The detaching part has so many challenges, especially when children are involved.

Learning from this thread. Keep up the great work!

[Spartan]

PM - You sound really good. I'm VERY happy that you're at this point.

The realizations you made are hard as hell because it's not what we want. We want to live the illusion we have for what our W's and M's should be. Truth be told many of us didn't have it for a LONG time before BD but we either were oblivious to it or weren't strong enough to do anything about it. It's what I referred to before regarding taking your W off the pedestal you had her on. Once she's off the pedestal things start becoming clearer and you see it's not all your fault, our W's have a lot of issues, and we can't fix them or pretend the issues don't exist. We've grown too much to allow this in our lives anymore. This is another thing I think just eventually happens and something we can't force. For me personally that was the biggest moment for me to finally start moving forward for real and not just talking/ writing about doing it.

Your detachment definitions are spot on and is the exact reason for the GAL. It does get easier as time goes because we start having more going on and less time to worry or think about the WAS.

At times I "feel" like I am moving past XW... more each day, it seems (though it isn't linear). Actually, it's more of a "I feel already past her... when did this happen? Because I didn't notice it and all of a sudden I'm here" feeling.

I smiled at this because it's exactly how it happened for me.

Sometimes I feel like we push detaching too much on here without really explaining the process. Detaching is something that will happen when the LBS is ready for it to happen. I know many people get frustrated they haven't detached (sometimes it is their own fault) but this stuff takes time. I know it used to bug me because I'd get so much great advice on and off the boards and I felt like I was doing things right but I was still attached.

You mentioned it but I wanted to reiterate that just because you feel detached it's not uncommon to have low moments along the way. I know a lot of vets that still have them after years of being D'd. Just make sure you feel it, understand what it is you're feeling, then let it go and move on and not get stuck in the valley.

I really like where your head is at now. Stay strong.

[PatientMan]

XW and Ds are out of state for the week. This past Saturday I went to a school sponsored party, which included a sand volleyball tournament...that my team won!

D's and I have been spending a lot of quality time together and I'm really enjoying being their Dad. I know I mentioned this within the last couple of months, but it's just awesome and I'm so blessed and grateful for this change in my life. It's such a positive improvement and prayer answered from years ago.

For the most part, I'm feeling pretty good. I still have my moments, but they are few, far between, and I seem to recover from them rather quickly.

Thanks for everyone's support and comments!

-PM

[jp787]

You need to strength train and eat enough. Let me know if you'd like help setting up a basic diet and exercise program.

-PM

Yes please

[jp787]

On the subject of detaching. I learned there are (at least) two arenas to conquer in order to be "detached".

1) I have read a lot about successful detaching being when you are not on your spouse's roller coaster anymore...when their actions and attitudes don't affect you all that much or change the way YOU act. Getting off the roller coaster is fundamental detachment...Detachment 101, if you will. I can say I have successfully conquered this, and I realized it a few weeks ago. I am certainly empathetic to XW and I definitely don't like when she is down, but my days no longer ebb and flow based on her moods and treatment of me.

2) Time and energy consumption. This one comes up quite a bit and is an offshoot of GAL. The LBS, especially during the depression or grieving stages (whatever you experience), is absolutely CONSUMED by the situation and constantly thinks about it and the WAS. This I have NOT conquered. However, this is where the rubber meets the road when the vets tell you the importance of GAL! What start off as distractions and PMA boosters turn into new habits and hobbies, and eventually the repaired, newer, and stronger you.

***
Understanding that you both have to get off your spouse's roller coaster AND stop being consumed by your situation are essential to coming out the other side of this.

If anyone else has more to add, please feel free to do so.

-PM

This is good stuff PM. It has helped me, thank you.