Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks Rosa for checking in on me. I'm working on my Master of Library Science and am taking 2 of my last 3 classes this semester.

One of those classes is in html and web page design, which the guy I went out with said he'd help me with, but I guess I'm on my own now. Oh well, I'm used to it at this point and I'm smart, so I'll figure it out.

I have so much going on in my own life that I don't have time for a guy right now unless he seems pretty amazing. I'm not ready to make any concessions on what I want at this point.

This whole week has been full of GALing. I spent two days at Megafest, a huge event hosted by Bishop TD Jakes and I got to see Joel Osteen as well. I met people from all over the world and it was very motivational.

I had my last day of work at the library on Thursday as well. It was somewhat sad because I really liked the people there, but it will be nice to sleep in past 6am and not have a 45 minute commute each way.

I'd made plans with xh yesterday to go see ss after I left church, but when I texted him to make sure they were home, they were over an hour away visiting cousins that had come into town. Apparently, me telling him that I'd text when I left church at 8 wasn't a "definite time" that I'd be over. He offered to stop by my apt on his way home, but I declined.

He got upset, saying that I really didn't want to see ss. I just told him that if he preferred to give me a definite time to see him, then give me a time on monday morning before ss was picked up and I'd be there then.

For 7 years xh said he could never make plans because he preferred to be spontaneous, so this is a change. I love plans, but this is driving me crazy because he'll apparently make plans with everyone else except me.

Xh said he'd call me if his pool plans ended early today, but I'm not holding my breath. Since he seems to prefer plans at this point, I think I'll stick with our Monday 10am meeting time.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I texted him on Tues night while I was working. We had a pretty decent conversation, but he kept wanting to get me to commit to helping him pack when he moves in two months.

Interesting that on Monday night he was so willing to give up on our "friendship" because I wasn't texting him, but he plans to rely on me to move? I'll never figure him out.

[sweetbabyred]

So I found out that the woman from FL and her two kids plan to visit xh next month and go to the state fair. That was tough to hear, but I was ok.

Then I found out that she's already been here to visit him once and looked at apts in his complex. I didn't take that too well.

I know that we're d and it shouldn't matter to me, but I do still love him. He keeps saying that they're not official and he's not ready for a relationship, but she's very eager.

And I know that I need to keep working on me. I need to be the best me I can be, regardless of what happens or doesn't between us.

Being jealous or sad won't get me closer to getting the family that I'm looking for.

I'm just not sure what he thinks a marriage or relationship is about. He says he likes spending time with me, wants to be friends, and is sexually attracted to me. For the most part, we agree on the big issues, so why does he not think we can be together?

And yes, I know I'm wasting my time thinking about all of this. I have a mud run tomorrow and am working two events, so I'll keep myself busy.

[brobafet]

I'm just not sure what he thinks a marriage or relationship is about. He says he likes spending time with me, wants to be friends, and is sexually attracted to me. For the most part, we agree on the big issues, so why does he not think we can be together?

He wants his cake, he likes spending time with you, wants to be friends, and is sexually attracted to you.....sounds like everything is there except the commitment. I think he wants to keep you on a hook, string you along because you feed his ego. He likes the attention. Just focus on you and not on him and what he is telling you. You're going to find someone that will be all of that but want the commitment and the family with you.

You sound like you are doing great. You have your focus on the things that you want right now but he is still banging around in your head. I'm praying for you Sweet.

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks brobafet for the feedback.

The reason I still hang out with him, at least on occasion, is because I honestly don't think he knows that he's cake eating.

He wants us to be friends and I don't think he knows that the most important part of a marriage is the friendship. The exciting butterflies and hormones don't last forever, especially if you don't work on it.

I asked him what his version of our breakup was the other day and he said, "We still get along and she's a great person, but we're very different people and don't see eye to eye on a lot of things."

I thought this was interesting, because I don't see the point in being involved with someone who's just like me. And most people have differences in their relationships, things that they'll never agree on.

But people in marriages that survive and thrive realize that the bigger picture is more important than a few disagreements.

Fortunately, I'm going to be very busy soon, because xh leaves on Sunday and will be spending more than a week with the woman in Fl. And then the first weekend in October she'll be here with her family and xh and ss will go to the state fair and stay at the apt together.

And if I had too much free time, all of that would drive me crazy.

Instead, I just got rehired back on a project I worked last year, so I'll work fri-sun for the rest of the year on that and I'll be spending five days in Miami for training!

So I'll have a long period where xh and I won't be in the same area, so I won't be able to wonder why he's not calling/seeing me. And if the training is anything like last year's, I'll hardly have a second to myself, let alone to think.

I am still going to be friendly with him, but I'm putting myself first. If I ever want us to be more than friends, I may need to pull away, but I want contact with SS, especially since he'll probably be moving away again near the end of the year.

And as much as I don't like the idea of him dating, he is single now, so we're both free to do so. I just haven't found anyone yet that I'm willing to put before work and school.

Xh's job is in a transition, so he's not doing much until November. He needs to be busy, so I think this fl woman, with her long talks and constant texts, is keeping him entertained. At least she's employed and in her 30s, so she's an improvement over the others.

And I do want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. But this woman is a planner like me (according to xh) and thinks he is too, since they have to plan their meetings weeks in advance, so she'll be in for a shock if she does move here!

I just hope that xh will someday work on his communication and r issues, so that he won't keep reliving the same problems with one woman after another, especially since I think we could have made it if we actually worked on us.

[RosaLinda]

Hey SweetRed, just catching up! I would adore working in a library. Although if you are working there, reading the whole time is probably frowned upon! Sounds like you are really busy right now, good for you. I'm jealous not only of your MS in library science, but also that you got to see Joel Osteen, I really admire him, and Victoria too!

I'm sorry about that woman from FL coming up and maybe renting an apt in your H's complex. Besides being a planner, it sounds like she's a schemer, and the sort who bulls her way thru to get what she wants. Being D does not change the love or the pain. Red, I just had a consultation with a divorce lawyer. She told me that she lived thru her H's MLC for four years, then finally divorced him. She said that about 2 years later, her H sudenly woke up and went back to his old self, and wanted to reconcile with her, but she was too afraid that he would start another affair. So they both moved on. But she says she regrets giving up in the first place to this day, and really regrets not at least trying to reconcile.

So...I guess you never know what the future may bring. You keep being fabulous you, and you will someday get the love and wonderful relationship you deserve, whether with your x or with some better guy!

[sweetbabyred]

Linda, you are so sweet to be checking up on all of our sitches while you're recuperating. I hope that your h wakes up soon and realizes what he's missing out on.

Yes, by the time you get a librarian position, you're usually fairly removed from the books and patrons. I was working as an assistant so I was able to see books as they were checked in or out. I was actually glad when I'd see one I had absolutely no interest in adding to my "to read" list.

Once I saw that Joel and Victoria were going to be there, I purchased my tickets right away. Bishop Jakes is great too-- check out his youtube video "let them walk". It's all about not pining after someone who makes the decision to leave you.

I think the fl woman is just trying to run away from her issues. All of her family and friends live there and I think that she believes everything will be different if she's somewhere new. Of course, we've all seen that you can try to run away, but your relationship issues will continue to follow you unless you work on them.

She makes good money and Texas is one of the areas she could transfer to, so I don't think she's after his money like the last ones, but I just hope that xh doesn't fall into a relationship because he isn't strong enough to tell her that's not what he wants, at least not now.

Xh is acting a little nicer. When I told him about my business trip, he asked who was going to watch my cat (who has never liked him since the day we brought her home from the shelter and the feeling is mutual!) and even volunteered to come to my place a few times to check on her.

What I love about this site is that you and the others on here understand how I feel and aren't pressuring me to go out and find a new guy right away. That divorce doesn't change the feelings you have.

And on my good days, I realize that I'm using this time wisely to learn as much about myself as I can and to become better at communicating so I can be a better partner. Those skills will come in handy in all my relationships, but especially with a future partner, whether it's xh or someone new.

[sweetbabyred]

Just wanted to do a quick (for me!) update.

Xh went out of town on Sun for business/week long visit to Fl woman. I've been no contact since he got to his first stop on Sun.

I wrote a paper for class, worked an event, had lunch/happy hour with friends and got new headshots. So I've been keeping busy and not thinking too much about him.

I'm sure that after a week with her and the family, he'll get to see what it's really like, so I'm not thinking it'll be quite as fun and exciting as he thinks it'll be. But who knows?

This afternoon I get a text from him, in his usual vague manner, saying, "well, so much for the apartment."

He's set to move into his dream bachelor apartment in about a month, so I'm wondering what happened and why he's telling me, kind of.

There are all sorts of reasons-the new building burned down, he lost his job, he knocked up this woman and now he needs an apt for her 2 kids +1 on the way...

So I decided to ask what was going on and found out that he might not have a job. He's known that since his company is in bankruptcy proceedings and another company is buying them, but he thought it was a pretty sure thing he'd get an offer with them.

I wouldn't make a major move with that much instability, but that's where we differ. I did think it was interesting that he's there with her and he's texting me about what's happening.

I just validated, saying that the sitch sucked, hope he'd find out news soon, but he's great at his job and shouldn't have a problem finding another one.

He said he hoped so and then disappeared into the ether.

Another interesting thing that happened this week is that a guy I knew years ago found me on the dating site and seems a little too happy to know that I'm divorced. We might meet up for drinks sometime, but I remember this guy being a little too full of himself, so I'm not expecting anything.

[sweetbabyred]

Today I ran another 5k mud run. We finally had rain for the first time in weeks on Thurs/Fri so this one was extra muddy. It took me longer than usual, but I made it!

Last night around 10pm xh, from his business phone, texted me the joel osteen thought of the day. I thought that was interesting because I get them in my email every day and xh knows that, because he asked me how to get signed up for it.

It was about letting go of disappointments and moving forward. I thought it was a good message for him, but I guess he thought the same for me. I worked until midnight, so I just responded with "it was a good one today" and no reply of course.

And I've got the Maroon 5 concert tomorrow so I'm having a pretty good weekend. Just have to convince myself to do some school work soon.

Off to work now, but I'm so thankful to be having a good day.

[sweetbabyred]

This morning as I got ready for church, I turned on the tv to Joel Osteen. The channel barely came in, so I heard little of it, but this part came in clearly. "The struggles you are going through are not wasted. They are creating you into the person that you are meant to be."

The service at church was on "the myths of marriage." That you're supposed to be just like your spouse and agree on everything. That so many of us believe the fairy tales in movies and don't have examples of good, real marriages.

This one got to me, because the myths were the reasons that xh told me were why we aren't right for each other. And he's in Fl possibly starting a new relationship and he'll be just as disillusioned in that one if he doesn't realize what marriage really is.

It hurts to think of him constantly running from person to person, trying to find someone just like him, who can love him perfectly because that won't happen.

Someone else had posted about watching movies and it reminded of how, in 2009, xh went with a group of friends to watch "Up" and everyone gave him a hard time because he cried at that movie, imagining losing me and not having had the adventures with me that I wanted.

That is the man that I love. Someone who loved me so much that he cried at even the thought of losing me. So, needless to say, I've been crying off and on for most of the day. I need to shake this off and get ready to leave the house. At least I should have a good time tonight, as long as I can get this off my mind for a few hours.

[sweetbabyred]

Interesting 24 hours. Last night I get a text from xh saying he can't wait to be home. A few minutes later one asking if I can get him from the airport the next day. After that, one saying "if you're not busy, of course."

I agree to get him at noon after my bible study. Today, when I was leaving, he texts me to let me know his flight was delayed. After more than 7 hours at the airport he decides to call it day and leave tomorrow instead.

While discussing my events for the next three nights, he somehow thought I had dates planned and told me he didn't want to hear about them. Funny, since he's spent the last week in fl with a woman who wants to be his gf, but he can't handle the thought of me dating? He asked me to never tell him about any guys because he doesn't want to know.

On the plus side, tonight's event was for an older crowd, but I had a cute young bartender talking to me. I was good and went straight home after I was done working, but he offered to buy me a drink if I come back sometime. I think that's the first guy under 60 to hit on me in a long time, so it was flattering.