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Live4myDay,

Thanks for the encouragement. I just feel ripped in half right now. I don't know what it is. I was feeling better but now I'm back in a rut. Every thought contains a memory or feeling of her and it just tears me apart. It doesn't help that I'm sensitive as hell....


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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journaling:
I’m screaming inside my head, brokenness is my constant feeling. I want to get out of my body and become someone new. I do not like myself, i do not feel any worth. I do not want to feel sorry for myself. Why is this destroying me. I am sad. So very very sad. You’ve torn me in two and I dont know how to get that back. I pray to God but I don’t know if I’m not hearing him. I know he is there but I do not feel him. I never thought I would be here when I was younger and you’ve brought me to this place. I want to be me. I want to be happy. Oh my God!!! Please take this from me. I need strength. I need you Lord bring me peace. Take my hurt and anger and sadness. Take my despair.


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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You are not alone. Many of us are going through the same thing. I feel for you. I think everything you are feeling is very normal. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. I read the same advice you do with similar effectiveness. In the end, maybe it just takes time. I guess we will find out.

You asked in an earlier post about a book that would help. I got tremendous support from "How to act right when your spouse acts wrong". Since I filed, I stopped re-reading it. Maybe I need to start again; even if she will no longer be my spouse.

I will say a prayer for you tonight.


M43, W37
D5, D11, D13
DB 12/11/2012
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The effectiveness part of it is key and so is time. That is what I am told a lot. Time, time Time TIME TIME.

Yeah, I know...I get it, but I don't. This is really fresh, I'm in two months, and blindsided twice now (second time in 3 years). I thought things were good. She constantly told me that she loved me. We argued but it was petty arguments. Then my sister found these texts to OM and the foundation I thought we were rebuilding crumbled. She moved out (we were living with my parents and getting ready to move to our own apartment). She was gone less than two weeks, her attitude changed, her tone changed, fathers day went by and she didn't want to spend it with me. The next weekend she dropped the bomb on me. WTF?!?!

Rock, thanks for checking in on me. I'll find the book you mentioned.


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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I'm going to go out tonight and talk to a girl that I saw bar-tendering a few weeks ago. I'm not expecting anything just want to get out there and do something new. Meeting new people isn't something I'm very good at. I usually meet new people through people I already know.

Is this a bad idea? Should I wait longer? I don't want to be sitting at home tonight wishing I had.


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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Went out on friday night with friends and talked to the the bartender. I got her phone number.....step one complete.


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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Dear Broba,

You'll be OK.

Trust me.

You will.

Those of us who come here/came here usually had the worst situations: we never saw it coming; cheated on; just had kids, etc. We also probably had the completely wrong connection.

We don't control the other person.

Dependency makes division hard. Work on enjoying being alone and using the time to grow. The one thing I can't say gets better is that, although I've adapted to having less time with my kids, I will never adjust to the loss of time with them. I will say though that NOW, when I am with them, I am alone with them without conflict. The method to combat this is to develop a working relationship with your ex. As she wants to date more, she will find YOU to be a great place to leave them. It behooves you to build this working relationship for the well-being of your kids. It's not about you....your soon to be ex...or the settlement. It's about the emotional well-being of the kids. Remember, they love both parents (I haven't read all your sitch).

Believe in yourself. Be in the moment with your kids. Stop everything you are doing, look at them and LISTEN. Take your daughter to get her nails done and tell your son, someday, that 'tough times don't last but tough people do'. Start being the type of man that you would want your daughter to trust and never be shy to put your arm around your son and give him a kiss. I see a boy on my son's baseball team kiss his dad after games and hug him. For a divorced father, it's a powerful thing to see. Fortunately, I have that, too, with MY son. Build it.

Strength and honor (you'd have to WAY back to my thread to see where THAT came from). Chin up.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
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Brobafet: This is very hard work. I am feeling better, but it takes a long time. I can say the one turning point for me was finding a book in a stack of books my DIL was reading. I saw the title (Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery
By Chögyam Trungpa) and was intrigued. I picked up the book and flipped it open. It opened on the passage speaking about the title. It said to smile at fear then step on it.

And so I have done. I have plastered a smile on my face and kept on stepping through the pain and heartache. If you stick that smile on your face for long enough it will sink into your brain. Really, it will. I got several other books like that one, and each night before I went to bed I would read a chapter, then ponder it when I went to sleep. It helped me a lot. I am at a funny point where I should go back to that practice.

Hang in there and know things will get better.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
Dear Broba,

You'll be OK.

Trust me.

You will.

Those of us who come here/came here usually had the worst situations: we never saw it coming; cheated on; just had kids, etc. We also probably had the completely wrong connection.

We don't control the other person.

Dependency makes division hard. Work on enjoying being alone and using the time to grow. The one thing I can't say gets better is that, although I've adapted to having less time with my kids, I will never adjust to the loss of time with them. I will say though that NOW, when I am with them, I am alone with them without conflict. The method to combat this is to develop a working relationship with your ex. As she wants to date more, she will find YOU to be a great place to leave them. It behooves you to build this working relationship for the well-being of your kids. It's not about you....your soon to be ex...or the settlement. It's about the emotional well-being of the kids. Remember, they love both parents (I haven't read all your sitch).

Believe in yourself. Be in the moment with your kids. Stop everything you are doing, look at them and LISTEN. Take your daughter to get her nails done and tell your son, someday, that 'tough times don't last but tough people do'. Start being the type of man that you would want your daughter to trust and never be shy to put your arm around your son and give him a kiss. I see a boy on my son's baseball team kiss his dad after games and hug him. For a divorced father, it's a powerful thing to see. Fortunately, I have that, too, with MY son. Build it.

Strength and honor (you'd have to WAY back to my thread to see where THAT came from). Chin up.

FIB


FIB,
Thank you for your post. I am developing a relationship with my kids that is growing stronger each day. I like the idea of taking my daughter out to get her nails done that is a good idea. I hug my son and kiss him every chance I get, it isn't something that I am shy about and was never shy to do with my parents when I was growing up. He is one to cuddle and walk up to me at random times and just want a hug. My son is very emotional, cries at random times and then doesn't know why he is crying. He is 6. He doesn't really understand why he feels the way he does. I constantly ask him to talk to me and just sit with me.

I am developing a working relationship with their mother. Right now it is harder because she is far away and I'm driving to both pick up and drop off my kids each weekend. I'll be moving in two weeks and then commuting to work.

I know it isn't about me but it is good to be reminded thank you. I for sure know that I cannot control her and I'm entering a state of zen when thinking about this. Which I don't that often any more. Her life is hers, and unfortunately it is mirroring that of her mothers (who btw is manipulative and has always put herself first).

I am working each day to just be myself, gain confidence, and be there for my kids. I wont be perfect each day but modeling the man I would want my daughter to be with and my son to become is something that I truly want and for that FIB I thank you for reminding me about.


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 118
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Originally Posted By: WenikiTiki
It said to smile at fear then step on it.

And so I have done. I have plastered a smile on my face and kept on stepping through the pain and heartache. If you stick that smile on your face for long enough it will sink into your brain. Really, it will. I got several other books like that one, and each night before I went to bed I would read a chapter, then ponder it when I went to sleep. It helped me a lot. I am at a funny point where I should go back to that practice.

Hang in there and know things will get better.


Wendy,

You rock, thanks for the encouraging words. A smile is appearing more often on my face than a few weeks ago. I think I will starting doing the same, reading a chapter a night. I have a gigantic book called Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce I must get through it and re-read it.

I found a book and based on its cover I picked it up its called You are a Bada$s, I read a quote on the back, it had something to do with Star Wars (huge nerd for Star Wars) it was funny and made me laugh out loud in the book store. So I thought if the back cover could do that at a time where humor, smiles, and just feeling good about myself was rare, i should by it.

I cant really read the relationship type books, besides I know where I went wrong, and I know where she went wrong. I don't need to be reminded and seek to repair my relationship with xW I know that it is dead.

I have my relationship with God, my family and my friends who listen to me, and help me move along and not feel sorry for myself.

I really hope that things are going good for you Wendy. Step on that fear!


Me 32
W 30
Married 11
D10, S6
BD#1 January of 09
OM#1 2005
OM#2 Dec 08
OM#3 March/April of 09
Back together August 09
OM#4 May 13
W moves out June 2013
BD#2 June 21 2013
Filed July 2013
D final in Oct
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