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I think that mature people make a decision to love their partner, day after day. Love takes work. I think all of us on this forum who are Standing have made a conscious decision to love.


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Originally Posted By: 2ndtimearoundCA
I posted this quote on my Facebook page and surprisingly quite a few adults disagreed with it siting examples of couples who were always "in love".


They're using different definitions for "in love". The couples they cite as examples most certainly went through what some like to call the limerence phase of a new relationship, (look it up) which only last 6 months to 2 years. True love, mature love, or whatever you want to call it can then follow. Many of the couples who make it here, especially if they consider themselves "happy" and have no major problems in the M would say they are still "in love", even though their feelings for each other are much different from the initial feelings of falling in love.

The ones who report not being in love just laugh at the marriage jokes on late night TV.

Spouses longing for or in affairs are always seeking limerence love. That's why even when they find it, it often dies in 6 - 24 months, and breakup soon follows.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Journal:

Well, not sure what to report. The D word hasn't been brought back up. She's content on keeping her distance, although she did come over a few days ago, gave a good cry, and asked for a hug and left. She's on anti depressants now.

I've been trying to go dim as best as possible, give her time and space, which she's run with. Taking care of myself, working, took up tennis since the court in 20ft. outside my door.

Even tho both of us seem to be relatively healthy, were both having some moderate health issues now. I'm still DB'n, although i feel like im having the reverse 180 done to me.....in textbook fashion now. Things she's said are not part of the WAW script, but right out of the "How do you know when your marriage is over" book instead.

Trying to be confident and get out as much as possible, but extremely hard with no funds, and my health in constant decline at this point. I stepped on a scale, knew i'd been losing weight but I've now gone from 190 down to 145. I look terrible, and I've been eating. The bloody urine, 24 hour stomach cramp, and found 2 new growths by my stomach have me a bit worried i guess. Called every doctor in town, and none could see me before the 19th.

Even if i was ready to try a date (which im not), i'd be too embarrassed now to even ask. Doing some carb/protein milkshakes at night now, but still extremely tired all the time. Sleeping ok i guess, but just fatigued.

This all has taking its toll, on all of us, but i felt like i was battling thru it ok until this last week. Between trying to just mourn the loss of my marriage i guess. Still trying to figure out what the next step of the process is, but not in a hurry to push myself thru it either.

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Thumpered, sorry to hear about your health. Do you go to the gym? That helped me a lot. I still go regularly, it's now been 7 months. Also make sure you get a good night's sleep. The weight loss you show is troublesome, don't lose any more weight.

About the W. Why have you gone dim? Don't go too dim. Give space, but when she comes over have a PMA and appear happy. It does work.

What do your kids think? They are old enough to see what's going on.


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Well im a manual labor guy anyways, lift all day at work, I could bench 300 previously. Curl 150. I did the gym thing first couple of months, and got nothing out of it but to say I was there. I took up golfing and tennis lately, and really feel it is more relaxing and I get something out of it too. Play with my son. I have to admit I still look young for my age, no grey hair yet, and full head of hair. Most ppl say I look 35. My son told me today I looked exactly like Tom Cruise (lol-i wish, he's trying so hard) before I lost all the weight.

I might have gone a bit too dim the first week, change what wasn't working, stepped up a tad. Communication has been better since. Went dim cause I suspect, but can never confirm, her contact with an old boyfriend/friend from high school days. Its a long distance EA at this point im guessing, and of course he's telling her how he regrets things didn't work out then, and maybe this is the second chance he's been waiting for. Who knows, I did enough mind reading already. I don't have a jealous bone, an ounce of hate left in my body anymore.

The way I look at it now, is if she cant/doesn't want me after 21 years, and all the changes she says' she's noticed, then theres nothing else I can do. I just keep working on what I can control.

I try not to talk about it with my kids at all actually, I tried to be as supportive as I could at first. And, somehow it all came back and hit me in the face that I was some kind of control freak, the kids thought they were helping, but made some things worse, but did it out of love. I understand what they were trying to do. Now my son prefers just to move out of state, get away from it all, I've told him we cant run from it, we must deal with it. Its life, how we handle it will help us the rest of our lives, when it hurts so much especially.

Going dim or dimmer in my case, has really helped me detach. I would actually recommend it if someone was to ask me how to help detach when they're having troubles getting there, but ea. sitch is so unique even thou it seems like they're all playing with the same handbook. Its not the present or future that makes our sitches unique, its our pasts, and what got our marriages in trouble in the first place.

How's your sitch? i'll have to pop on over and catch up on the last few days of reading. Hope all is well, I know it is with you cause you got this crap down to a capital G, for GOT IT.

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Thumpered, the weight loss sounds problematic. How long did it take for you to lose that weight? Was 190 overweight for you? If you lost that much weight over a short period of time, you should probably go to the hospital. You really do need to focus on you right now.

As far as what to do about w right now... If you have always been there for her you might want to try being a bit less available and see want happens.


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
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Thumpered, yes, definitely do something about the weight loss.

I think there is a balance between creating space and distance and also showing W 180s, PMA, and GAL -- all of which makes her question her decisions. Golfing and tennis sound like good activities, especially if you do it with buddies.

good luck.


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Well I finally got to speak to a dr. a couple of days ago. He'd asked me about my diet changes recently. Told him I was trying to eat even better, not that I ever ate badly. Had switched to 100% whole wheat bread for all my work sandwiches/bagels/etc.

After only a couple of days of gluten free, I feel AMAZINGLY better, no stomach pain, fatigue fading fast, got some decent sleep. I'm amazed how much the sudden change shocked my system, although I was eating a TON of it. He was also mentioning that he just read a recent study about how whole wheat has been tied to depression as well. Maybe the tactic was a moral placebo, but I feel so much better again all around.

So just a heads up to everyone, even the good stuff supposedly isn't as good for you as you think.

Woke up this morning, had a nice conversation with wife for about 45 mins, took my daughter out to dinner tonight, had a very nice time. Home now, relaxed, and ready for work tomorrow.

Bring it on, already feeling recharged.

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Glad to hear you're feeling better! Is the doctor testing you to find out about the bloody urine and weight loss?

Maybe your're allergic to gluten and should cut it out all together? Even whole wheat is chock full of gluten. My SIL has celiac disease and says she can buy great gluten free bread products in her lical gricery store.


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Joined: May 2013
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Thumpered, that is great that you are feeling better and feeling re-charged. Are you allergic to gluten?

I too have days where all of my energy is completely drained, and I wonder if I should be altering my diet as well.

Hope all is well with you,
-cp


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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