Saying "I love you"?

[mtb1981]

So here's my dilemma. Everything I've read in DR and on these forums says that I should not say I love you. My wife is a WAW. She left 4 months ago and we have been physically separated the whole time. She has been staying with a family member during this time. In the beginning she was gung ho on getting a D and gave me the whole ILYBINILWY. She made no loving comments and wouldn't even let me touch her. Lately she has warmed up a lot to me. She calls me daily and always says "I love you" before she says goodbye. I always tell her i love her too, bc I do. She has also become more affectionate when I see her in person. Kisses, hugs, cuddling at night in bed when she comes home for a night on the weekend to see the kids. She recently got a full time job in the city she moved to, which is a 2 hour drive from here. She has also mentioned that she is looking for her own place there now that she has a job and doesn't want to live with her uncle anymore. She has a major infatuation with the city she moved to. Always talking about how great it is there and how she feels like it is where she was meant to be. I guess my question is, am I doing the right thing by reciprocating the i love yous and affectionate behavior, or am I enabling "cake eating"? I feel like she is living 2 lives. I really like hearing her say she loves me and the affectionate gestures, but I can't help but be upset that she chooses her "other life" over her life with me and the kids. What do I do?

[tori2012]

The "do not say I love you" rule means to not pursue. If she's the one calling you and saying she loves you, by all means say it back. But don't follow her around or email her every day, etc. See the point?

You're in the same place most people on this board are: a place of uncertainty. Only by being able to live with the uncertainty you can save your M.

Love and respect yourself, but also be patient if your heart still tells you to stay in the M.

Best wishes to you...

[mtb1981]

Thanks for the feedback. I thought that what I was doing was OK. Most of the time, she says it first. Occasionlly, I will say it first so she doesn't start to think that I only tell her after she says it first. I also throw it in at the end of texts sometimes too, because she will do it in some of her texts and I don't want to come across as cold. I hope that is still OK. Not sure if that is considered pursuing or not.

[Accuray]

I would just ensure you're not both deluding yourselves. If she truly felt loving and affectionate, she'd be making plans to work with you to make things better and to reconcile. Instead, she's planning to stay where she is, get her own place to live, and pursue her full time job there.

Remember, actions speak louder than words -- a WAW will say all kinds of things, but what they do is more important.

I would suspect that she enjoys having you as an insurance policy, such that if things do not go well for her, she wants to feel that she can come home at any time and you will have her.

Personally I think it's to your advantage to have her question that a bit.

Accuray

[mtb1981]

Accuray,
I agree with what you are saying, as I have thought that myself. Why would she say and do these things, yet not put any effort into working things out. So, I guess the dilemma is, if I'm supposed to avoid any R talk, how do I bring this point up? From what I have read on other threads, a WAW feels "alive" again in their new life, and they fear they will have to give everything up that makes them happy to come back. So do I just go along with this and hope she eventually wants to come back or do I tell her that if she really meant what she says, she would be willing to work on it more and put forth more effort?

[dbmod]

^

[InnerStrength]

You don't need to bring it up and tell her that she should be willing to work on it. Never bring up these kind of talks! Everything about DBing is like that old writer's rule, "show, don't tell." You just pull back a little more.

This is the flipside of how the pursuer-distancer relationship is described in DR. The more the LBS pursues, the faster the WAW runs. If you haven't been pursuing thanks to DBing, she's now being more affectionate and saying things like that to see if there's any real risk of losing her backup option.

When my W started this sort of behaviour (minus the I love yous) months ago, I let it happen, and got comfortable with it, and we made no moves back to reconciliation. Things sort of stalled there because she knew she had her safety net. Knowing that the "no pursuit" rule is helpful not just to cancel the pursuer-distancer relationship where your W is the distancer but to reverse it and make her the pursuer is really so important and should, I reckon, be more strongly emphasized in the books/here, in particular for male LBSes.

The key is to pull back slightly more, watch her pursue more, and keep doing so in a lovingly detached way until she decides the risk of losing you has become too high not to reconcile. Calibrate carefully.

In that light, my next step would be to simply stop responding to "I love you". No need to talk about it, just say "Take care. Bye!" if it's at the end of a conversation (you still need to give a friendly vibe). I think in your situation when she's already doing that much temp-check/pursuit behaviour, your DBing has scared her to some extent -- you'll be pretty shocked by the results when you react even less to her pursuing behaviour.

[sthelen]

Excellent question. My WAH still calls almost daily and says I love you on the phone and in person. I try not to say it back on the phone but I do respond in person.

[Portia]

MTB,

You have received some good advice. Not only to potentially save your M, but to save your heart a little.

I heard the ILYs, too after BD. But his actions showed nothing of the sort. Now, I am not saying she is deliberately manipulating you as mine did but be aware, be very aware that the words are easy.

And we want to believe them soooo badly.

Here's a question: did you often tell her you loved her during your relationship? What was the dynamic before? Pulling back may b doing something different and may cause her to pause in her present course of action.

Good Luck!

[mtb1981]

Thanks for the advice. It seems tricky. I know that when I quit responding back with I love you, she is going to question it immediately. She will say it again and then ask, "aren't you going to say I love you?". I'm not quite sure how to handle that situation when it arises. It will definitely make her upset, that is for sure. And I have a feeling she will pull back alot. It seems like it will be impossible to not talk about it, bc she will question why I stopped saying it, and if I avoid the topic, I'll look like an a-hole. We seem to have been making progress recently and I don't want to have any setbacks. I do understand where everyone is coming from though, and I do feel like a safety net. Before in our relationship, I never said I love you as much as I do now. I wasn't very good at showing/sharing feelings. My frame of mind was you know I love you, why should I have to tell you all the time. She was the one that always ended phone convos with ily, i usually didn't. For the first couple of months, she refused to say ily, in the past couple of months, she has been saying it on a daily basis again. I guess I'm just worried about pushing her away if i stop saying it. I don't want it to seem like i'm playing games. Because I do love her and want her to know. Wow... Who ever thought saying 3 words could be such a tough choice?