Living apart 6 weeks in

[PatientMan]

Hi

It has been a thought time here and since the legal s have been finished WAS has got worse. She is still trying to get money from the pension, despite the split being agreed in the legal settlement she has approached the trustees to ask them to consider her interests.

WAS on Monday informed me that OM, who she was denying existed a fortnight ago is coming on holiday with the children and her for a week from today. nothing I can do about it except focus on the children. He was introduced to them last weekend and gave my S8 a drive in his car, which happens to be his favourite type of sports car (think 007) and then played S8 favourite game on the xbox360.

WAS rental house is advertised as being available for rent and is under offer. She won't tell me if they are moving or what she has said to the children about OM. she continually acts aggressively, lots of snide remarks at pickup about personal matters, asking if I have been drinking, commenting on appearance which is totally unnecessary. I really need to let go of the rope as I think she is enjoying seeing if she can get a bite.

Yesterday she sent me an email saying, get a grip, take responsibility and drop the victim mentality. all I asked was to know what the children have been told about OM. I am not acting like a victim, I am socialising, working hard, I rode a 100 mile sportive cycle in England last sun, my first 100 in sub 6 hours. I know she is angry and feels she was treated unfairly in the legals, but she Walked away and had affair, to be honest if I had given her everything I still think she would be like this which is why I held my ground.

I would appreciate any advice, I think I have to completely dark, not instigate and not event reply unless it is an important matter affecting the children. I must learnt not to be drawn into discussions which just feed her anger and resentment. Positively nothing she is doing affects my PMA, I feel good about myself and am focusing on the things tht are important, my own goals, social life, work and sport. I am enjoying talking to woman but not rushing into anything and feel great to have my house sorted.

please help me work to a plan to deal with the WAS

I think your analysis is spot on. She is lashing out right now and there's nothing you can do about it except show her that it doesn't bother you. (By the way, nothing she does affects you at all...got it?)

Be patient. Keep your cool. Be the man you want to be.

-PM

[Rockwallaby]

The children and WAS have been away for a week on holidays with OM, S8 is impressed because OM has his favourite sports car. On return from holiday S8 informed me that they are moving to OM house at the end of the month. Not surprised about this as had seen her rental on advertised and asked before the holiday, I was told she would tell me what I need to know when she thinks I need to know it. I don't understand the secrecy as it is very transparent to see the plan.

WAS then said it was my fault she was moving with OM because her housing licence application has not been approved due to the contents of the letter she requested I write to the housing authority. I told her very calmly that she needs to take responsibility for her decisions. She has sufficient funds to pay the rent where she is, though it is very expensive as I have bought her out of the house we owned.

She is moving the items we agreed in the legal document out of the house this Friday. I have said I will let the removals in but do not want her in the house. I know if she is in she will find other items to take from the property. I don't really care but I think it is important to draw a line under the separation and set boundaries for my own space.

She has always had difficulty with this because during the relationship I was too supportive and she lost respect. She has difficulty empathising and interprets empathy and compassion as weakness. Whilst all legal agreements are signed she still is approaching my pension trustees (who are also personal friends) to see if they will ignore the agreement and hand her additional funds. This puts them in a difficult position, I find it quite hard to comprehend the fog from which she is operating. I expect OM is manipulating and acting as sounding board. Last week WAS lashed out when I asked her about a move and said I needed to "get a grip, take responsibility and drop the victim mentality". When I informed her she could not come in the house she replies by saying that I am not helping the way forward. Yet she will not let me have dinner with S5 on her birthday. I invited her to S8 birthday after and she declined.

So my focus remains on the children, being stable and providing them with love and letting them talk to me about their feelings. I do not criticise WAS, just provide the children structure and support.S8 told me last night he was happier with me and D5 has said she wants WAS to come back.

On holiday S8 told me the they played a game in the car to see who could be quiet the longest, he lasted 1 hour 40 min, quite annoyed at this as it seems to be a way of manipulating the situation for WAS and OM. D5 also said they had a game to see who slept in the longest so she didn't go and see WAS in the morning.

I have had a couple of dates, but am not in the right place and so am stepping back for the time being as bringing others who possibly want more in is not fair.

I hope I am doing the right thing, I focus on the children yet most of her pressure is on material items, property and money. I have said if there is anything she wants if she puts it to me I will consider and if I agree will send arrange for her to collect.

[Rockwallaby]

I like this - about taking responsibility for your happiness.

Whenever I'm sad I STOP being sad and start being AWESOME instead. True story.

[Rockwallaby]

I have checked in from time to time and have not posted regularly. Life has been a bit of a roller coaster and I have been flat out at work and getting my house back in order after WAS left in May and moved her belongings out in July. It is slowly coming together and has taken a lot of time away from my cycling. When I have the kids there is a lot of talking and supporting as S8 is finding it difficult to adjust to living with OM and WAS.

I am still working on detachment, I know I have a long way to go as I still get angry with emails she will not speak by phone and uses emails and texts). I will not reply by email or text unless it is straightforward as it all gets misconstrued. It is not good and I am not making contact and only limited responses to electronic communication.

Yesterday she emailed to ask say I could spend my birthday evening with the children if I wanted and then asked if we could swap our schedule the weekend before I leave for Australia with the children. I really resent the way she positions something as a good gesture but is really only wanting to get something she wants, that is a change in the schedule later. I have replied by saying lets just leave the schedule as it is, I will celebrate with the kids over the weekend. I remaindered her she has not acknowledged my email with changes to her proposed schedule for the children in 2014.

I guess the details are not important, what I beat myself up is still being disappointed when she acts this way, and still feeling angry about it. I mustn't let her actions affect the way I feel.

Positive steps, I have started a diet 5:2 to shed some weight and am keen to get out on my bike again and training. Very keen to shed 15 kg. I am doing loads with kids and they are happy with me D5 has been really sweet all weekend and S8 is loving cooking with me, we do a great Spag Bol.

WAS views me as angry, so I need to pull back and be calm, but also be strong as she will try and exert control as she always has.

[Rockwallaby]

I should have also said WAS is extremely protective of OM and their home, she will always look to drop off or collect from mine and avoid me being anywhere near OM or her new life. I called her on the phone a few weeks ago and she asked why I called that number.

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of behaviour from a WAS.