June 15 was my bomb date two years ago. It came and went this year. I knew it was coming up but didn't feel much about that, and didn't attach any big meaning or emotion to it, it's just a day.
I rarely see H and more rarely hear from him, and more rarely than that reach out to him. So weeks go by between, and I've only seen him a couple of times at the most since my last post, but I wanted to journal where I'm at and how Father's Day went.
For me, right now, my marital relationship or lack of it occupies maybe the third or fourth place in my list of stressors. It barely makes the list because I don't actually feel stressed about it, but I do have interest in finding the time to work on our separation document, so it's on my long to-do list.
Primary focus in my life right now is my kids, with school out and doing the single working parent thing it's been a rough transition. I'm dealing with defiance, tobacco, pot, porn, middle of the night visitors, some questionable friends, along with the pain of being pushed away by these young men who used to be my babies. It's hard sometimes. We're getting through and I'm having more uncomfortable talks than I ever thought I'd face, lol! I must be getting better at it. And then most days there are good times too, and I really like and love these guys.
I'm working a bunch of angles: connecting with them, setting and enforcing boundaries, bringing in professionals, keeping open lines of communication, and finally I tried out an al-anon meeting and will plan on getting more involved with a group like that.
The last time I spoke with H about our concerns about S15 we set up a time to talk on March 8 which he postponed then blew off and then blew off three requests to reschedule. So I'm operating on the basis that when he is interested in participating he will contact me and for now I'm on my own.
I don't know how often he's contacting the kids but must be at least texting them sometimes. H walked into the house in the middle of the day Friday and called out to S15. I was surprised so my first words were "I didn't know you were coming over..." and he said he had texted s15 that he was going to pick him up to mow the lawn at the house where H is staying. OK. So they left.
I had asked each of the kids a while back to think about Fathers Day coming up and what would they like to do, we should make a plan because we'd be at a lacrosse tournament until Sunday evening. They both had little response, grunts or whatever. I believe this should be partly what THEY want to do for their dad, but partly mandatory because I'm responsible for modeling to these minor kids what family celebrations should look like. I grew up giving modest amounts of attention to Father's and Mother's day: presents were modest and time was the main gift, usually centered around a meal, so this is what I've tried to convey to my kids.
So when S15 got home from H's, I asked if he'd heard anything or said anything to H about Father's day and he said oh, yeah, dad asked me to a movie but I said I'd be a lacrosse. So this was the first I knew H wasn't planning on going to the tournament, ok. So I said maybe we should invite him over Sunday for dinner...would that be ok with you? S15 said yeah, so I checked with S13, if we have a cookout for dad Sunday will you participate? He said yeah too. So I texted H and he agreed to come at 6 on Sunday. (I'm trying not to create or manage the relationship between the sons and their dad, but I felt this Father's Day, the first one since he left the home, needed a nudge or it would set a precedent that went against my value system.)
Well, S13 didn't want to go to the tournament, and I don't blame him, 5 games in the hot sun for two days when you hate watching sports, what fun. He was trying to line up a sleepover and couldn't find anyone available so finally tried H and H agreed to stay over at the house Saturday. That was nice. So H took S13 out to a movie Saturday and S15 and S15's friend and I left for Annapolis.
We got home from the tournament (and crabs afterward) very tired. H was in the driveway working on his bike. He'd taken S13 on a bikeride with the new bike he had gotten S13 and was now cleaning his chain. I greeted him and he asked how the tournament went. Then I went in to get the cookout going and he stayed in the driveway. I tried to get each of the kids to do SOMETHING. I offered S15 to light the grill or cut up watermelon, and he was lying down after his shower and said he didn't want to do either. I reminded him that he had agreed to spend some time with dad on Fathers day and he said he would come down when dinner was ready. I offered S13 to cook the burgers or cut up watermelon and he said no. I asked if he would build a fire and he agreed to that.
I offered H some iced tea (thanks to someone else on DB who mentioned making some iced tea for her WAH, that was a good idea) he accepted. I poured myself a biiiiiiiig glass of wine. Got out some shrimp cocktail and hummus and chips, and H came into the kitchen for that. I got the burgers and dogs cooked, and H sat outside with me while we ate. I complimented his shirt. He had the one from 2008. Every year since S15 was born I made him a handprint shirt with the year, the kid's ages, and some kind of words. This one I think was [his name] is the Man. S15 had wanted flames on his part so he painted on flames under his handprints. It's cute. (The year I thought H was having an A I was so mad I could barely look at him, but was really trying to get over it...that year's shirt was footprints instead of handprints, best I could bring myself to do.... I don't think H had any idea but it was symbolic to me) Anyway, this shirt was a happy one.
Talking to H was like pulling teeth. I said I like your new bike. It looks like a mountain bike, right? (he has road and racing bikes). Yeah. I asked where he'd been taking it out and he didn't really answer. I was trying to be coworker-friendly while being sensitive to the fact that I may be asking questions he perceives as nosy or intrusive or trying to fish for information about where he's going, but then trying not to be ridiculous so I asked...) Oh you should try Sugarloaf, remember when we rode that one time? He said yeah, I went there this morning. It's pretty tough though, too hard for S13. (silence) So I said "Oh yeah, remember that place near our old apartment that we used to do the trail at? That would be fun for S13." and he said yeah I got the maps for that one.
It's like he wouldn't volunteer any information but would confirm if I guessed correctly. I got tired of working so hard. I complimented the hot dogs (Omaha steaks ones that were the last of our Christmas gift this past year from some friends). H went out to the front porch to shave the dogs, got one finished and came out back to say bye when it started to get dark because he couldn't see well enough to finish the second dog. OK, bye.
I'm not sure the kids ended up really being around him much at all. I remember he must have seen them both because I can remember he talked to S13 about his report card which was very good, H said it's probably better than your brother's. WTH, it's all A's and B+s, I wish he'd just say good job and not turn it into a d*mn competition. And when S15 blew through, H showed him his letter from school, which said we're not sending you your report card because you have an outstanding book.
H thanked me for the cookout when he left. I did the best I could.
So back to life. My second biggest thing is my mom & dad. My mom was in the hospital for a week with a side effect of her chemo. It was pretty awful. My dad is thinking about calling off the rest of the chemo but there are only two treatments left. I saw them on Friday because I knew I'd be away all weekend and then with H on Sunday night, and right now my dad doesn't really want to be around H so I couldn't combine the cookout for both of them. So I went to dinner with mom and dad Friday and then treated them to Dairy Queen. Mom was very frail and kind of out-of-it, which has become normal when she's been in the hospital, takes a bit for the drugs to get out of her system. Am trying to spend as much time with them as possible. My dad likes a glass of wine but my mom's like a temperance activist so he only has a glass of wine when I have dinner with them. They just live four miles from me now.
Work is crazy busy but we're on track to publish soon and then I'm taking a vacation. On the road trip with S15 and his friend I told them they can pick a beach and I'll take them. So we talked about Outer Banks and Myrtle and Daytona and Pensacola. They want to go deep sea fishing like last year.
Oh yeah that reminds me I was telling h this at our cookout and I accidentally said deep sea diving and H goes "diving?! DIVING?! *DIVING*?!?!?!?!" until I said oh my goodness did I say diving? I meant deep sea fishing. (I do NOT miss this.)
Before I go on this beach trip with them, though, I'm thinking about taking one of those two-day cruises to nowhere. I could really use a break where I can sleep all night knowing I'm not responsible for throwing anyone out of my house. Where I can go to the gym and the spa and lie by the pool with a pina colada. I have a girls' weekend coming up in July but I think some solitude would be really nice.
I also still need to respond to H's separation agreement, which he gave to me in November of 2012. It's becoming ridiculous, but he hasn't asked about it. He's just doing what he said he'd do in it. He's paying the mortgage and he's turned all the other bills over to me, our bank accounts and credit cards are completely separate now.
Oh yeah one other conversation from Father's Day, I noticed he'd been in the workroom in the basement, so I told him why he found no lights down there. This is where the teenagers go to use the hacksaw to make bongs out of, you name it, bottles, lightbulbs, magic markers, all kinds of things I've learned. Friday was the last straw but we were headed out of town so I just removed all the lightbulbs and stepstools, and the door lock is on order. So I told H it was dark to make the room less usable until I could get a lock on, and H immediately goes "I can come put in a lock, you're going to have to drill a hole in the floor, blah blah blah" and I said "H. I'm handling it." Later he said something about drilling a hole in the door and I relaxed and said, if you want to help with it OK, I'll let you know when the delivery comes in. I just dislike that he acts like the owner and fix-it guy of my house that he left. It's mine and I'm not asking for his help, and I dislike him showing up and acting like he owns it. He does, but in the separation agreement I'm planning on telling him I will buy him out. I prefer a clean break.
So anyway, there's the house, and the exact amount of the the retirement money that he'll give me, and then we're done. The amount is going to be in dispute because he's got a lot of calculations of things he's paid for since we separated and money his mom loaned us that he wants to deduct my share and whatnot, and I will need to figure out my opinion. I also know my spending plan this year of us being apart looks a lot different from the spending plan written last year based on the prior year's expenses. S13 has been getting psychiatric care for his anxiety and that's a whole new set of expenses we didn't have. S15's lacrosse tournaments are costing a lot of money. I just got a $700 bill from the power company, yikes. It's just a lot of expenses that weren't in the original spreadsheet. Waiting for a time that I want to sit and give this some attention, and usually there's something else I'd rather do. I'll get to it.
In the meantime, as long as we're still married I still have health insurance so that's good.
I would say that I'm content with how things are at the moment. I wish he were better at working with me instead of against me with the kids, but since he's not, his lack of interest in helping with them doesn't cause me a lot of distress, I think it's a good thing for me. I wish he appeared more interested for the kids' sake, but he is what he is and who he is.
I had a blast at the tournament and seven of us formed a book club we'll start soon. We had a parent's party in one of the rooms saturday night, and it was very fun. The lacrosse was terrific, and my S15's friend that came with us because his mom needed somewhere for him to stay saturday night, is a sweetheart. He's talkative and engaging where my son can tend to be sullen and distant sometimes, so the two of them together make things easier and more fun.
So it's back to the races this week. Gotta get a lot of work done. Got plans, am feeling good. Busy but good.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh yeah in the hotel Saturday night I mentioned to the one couple and one mom that H had moved out in December. They had no idea. The one mom is one of S15's best friends' mom, her kid sleeps over at my house about once or twice a week or they're together at someone else's house.
She then told me her son had mentioned to her that S15's dad didn't always come home. That he stayed out late and came home drunk and yelling, so she had thought at the time that maybe her son shouldn't spend as much time at my house. I thought that was interesting! I knew the boys knew about and talked about H going out so much and staying so late or all night. That was the main reason I finally asked him to just move out already, it was very confusing to not know your parents are separated and have your dad acting like a single guy with no family. But he doesn't drink alcohol, so he definitely didn't come home drunk. Yelling yes, drunk no. Funny how people think something of you but never mention it until much later.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
hi, its great to read about your experience. I admire your strength. sorry if i'm being rude but i've gotta ask... have you ever thought of quitting? just feel like there's no hope of reconciliation even when your H wants to? do you feel better off now without a H?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
You sound great!! I loved the "yelling yes, drunk no. Hahahaha
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Hi T, glad you appreciate my twisted humor lol! You gotta laugh, it's more fun than crying.
Planet, hi! Not rude at all, I think your question is sensible. My answer though, is what does quitting look like? - not being as pleasant as I can when I interact with H? - not trying to live my life completely and fully, right through the middle of separation and divorce, as if it's the last and only life I'll get? - not reading and posting frequently here to remind myself not to be bitter, to keep my focus on me, and other valuable advice from DB that I'm afraid might fall by the wayside if I don't hang out here...it is still counterintuitive for me.
I see no advantage to quitting these things.
I gave up long ago on the idea that there was some list of things I could do that would save my marriage. I believe it is possible to get out of your own way, and stop shooting yourself in the foot, with DB techniques...but it is not possible to get a spouse to come back who doesn't want to.
However, I don't think two years is past the point of no return. I don't think five years is. I don't think there's a set amount of time after which H isn't coming back so I should resort to crying and bitterness, throw all the blame at him, and QUIT. Quit what.
I'm not waiting for him though. I'm not going back to an abusive relationship. I'm taking this space and time to learn what I did to myself and what I allowed to happen to me, so I can learn not to allow it again. I found my worth and potential. I will be so glad to find love again and remarry sometime in the future.
Right now, I am in no hurry. I'm still figuring out how to live separate from H. I've got my crazy boys and my dying mom and my stressful job. I'm not looking for anyone to date or marry, and I'm not spending the necessary time finishing up my separation agreement and getting the divorce moving along. I'm not blocking it, just not facilitating it. If H said anything about wanting to move it along I'd get moving on it.
I don't want him back as he currently is, or has been. I don't like having him around much. My house is more peaceful and loving. I don't feel judged and coming up short. I feel free to express love and not get made fun of. I feel free to challenge anyone who verbally abuses my boys or me. I feel much better than in the past 10 years at least. Even with financial worries and life stresses I feel happier than I did then. It was so hard to not understand why my H wasn't more loving, it was so embarrassing how little regard he showed for me, it was so demoralizing to be so less-than-him. I was married for life and would never have stepped out on him, but he gave me a gift of a second chance here.
So, if he looks back and has remorse and regret there would still be a long long road back home, and I can't say I'd be interested or that we'd be successful. I don't say it could never happen, but I don't see it happening. I'm not waiting, just too busy to really move on and finalize the divorce yet. I will get there at some point. Is that quitting? Even some marriages reconcile during or after divorce. That's why I say, I don't know what quitting looks like. I'm just living.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wow, that's a long time to live together post-IDLY -- I thought five months was hard, though I didn't see it as hard until I moved out and didn't have her actions as a single woman in my face all the time. Your patience and detachment are an inspiration, adinva.
Me: 24 W: 24 T: 9 M: 6 S7, D4, S2 PA Starts, ILYBINILWY: Nov 2012 BD & PA Discovered: Jan 2013 First ML since BD: April 2013 Physical separation: Mid-May 2013
you are truly inspirational, adinva. my life is spinning out of control right now. reading what you've been through, your strength, gives me hope. thank you
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
adinva, what a great post and great place you are are at. Thanks for sharing.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Feeling down. I get jealous of the people here who have their kids for a weekend and have one fun meaningful activity after another bonding with their kids and being great parents. I don't like that I'm jealous, but I am this week. My 15yo won't talk to me, I can't sleep at night because he's either sneaking out or sneaking someone in after I'm asleep, I'm finding evidence of pot and beer, and his grades came and they're not up to his ability. He won't do the things I ask him to do. I've joined Families Anonymous to get some support from people who won't tell me they don't understand because their Eagle Scout straight A mission-trip-going son would never do something like this. I'm so tired and discouraged.
My 13yo is still willing to spend time with me if it doesn't interfere with his xbox or youtube, which I am also up at 1, 3, 5am getting him to go back to bed from. Yes, I know I need to figure out how to shut off internet in my house during the night. I also need to install a security system.
I have begun talking with S15 about where else he might go to live if he can't live with my rules. Well, talking at him because he doesn't really communicate back.
So, I tried to get them out of town to the beach but it didn't work out because of the weather and lacrosse practice and a few other details. I took S13 out to see Man of Steel last night, which was fun - he is smart and funny...but he got frustrated that I was getting texts through the movie from S15 who wanted to know if he and his friends could be at the house, and when would I bring dinner they're starving, and etc. S13 took my phone and wrote to S15 "we are watching a movie and I'm turning mom's phone off."
I just hear so much wall to wall good cheer and fun times from other parents and I feel like I've won the lottery if I get to sleep most of one night and don't smell pot one day.
For the record, I know I need to detach and take care of myself. I rode my bike to work for the exercise, swam a mile a couple of times last week, read a book for fun for my new book club. I'm doing OK. I just would really like to have fun with my kids too, and they're not cooperating with me on that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
