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mkultra Offline OP
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Hey Everybody! I have missed our conversations and many of you have been in my thoughts as we survive the Big D!

A brief synopsis: My husband, not ex, that sounds weird, and I were together almost ten years with two little kids. He had a midlife crisis and he cheated and became verbally abusive. He almost died in a horrible accident and the family had to nurse him back for almost a year.

My dating life: Ugh, I have spent the past few years with two different alcoholic single dads who have had promiscuous pasts that they had trouble giving up. Even though my ex-husband cheated, he was never that bad. So, out of the fire and into the frying pan.

Divorce Busting: The funny thing is, I knew after his accident and after I had moved on that we could be back together. I just no longer wanted it. But, I also know that I cannot upgrade from him. Nobody gets me the way he did. Nobody loves hearing stories about the kids,and my work, and my family the way he did.

Sigh. My heart has been broken lately. By both my ex-husband and my last lover of three years.

I'm not sure what mistakes I am making. but I do know that what I learned from DB has realy helped me. I remember to Act As If, Stay Positive, Work Out, I always try to remember that feeling when that person absolutely did love me. I knwo a happy partner is hard to leave. It really works!! Both my exes saw me as happy and even after their affairs wanted me back. But, I had already moved on. That is the tragic part. the timing is off. My latest failed attempt at a relationship was most difficult because of the fact that we are both single parents who could not commit emotionally. Thank you all soooo much for reading. I am feeling really beat down by love right now.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
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kml Offline
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Have you figured out WHY you've been picking these guys? Promiscuous alcoholics? What made you look at them and think "Now, THERE'S a good idea"?

You've got to get to the bottom of that before you go back out dating again. Why are you sabotaging yourself in this way?

After MY divorce, I dated a string of unavailable guys. Emotionally Love Avoidant types, or else just way way too young. At first I thought it was just the luck of the draw, but now I see that those guys were attractive to me because, after the trauma of my divorce, I didn't really WANT a full-fledged relationship. Those guys were "safe" because they were guaranteed not to ask more from me than I was prepared to give.

What do you think is behind your choices?

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mkultra Offline OP
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I completely agree that this can not be a coincidence and that I am also an emotionally unavailable person. I made it my goal to date because I was used to saying no to men. Maybe I was used to being married? Then I got seduced by some very interesting and younger and attractive men. They were not ready. Neither was I and I got really hurt. I do not see any signs that they were hurt but they keep coming back. I have been pretty much alone since my separation. Just casual dating and the friends with benefit which is almost like an affair. I feel like I cannot go backwards and I cannot move forward. Even though my divorce was finalized on my birthday, ouch. I still act like I am entitled to romance and marriage. I honestly thought that I had fallen in love. I must be wrong. I am doubtful now. Does that make sense? I just feel that I was supposed to grow old with the man I married and I did not need to date anymore. Ugh. Thank you for reading!


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
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mkultra Offline OP
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Good morning. I need to be here because it keeps me sane. Facebook is such a damaging place. It is shallow and too easy to snoop. I have tried not to snoop but I notice that a lot of what I post is a message to my ex-lover. For example, I try to validate that I am a good mother, that others find me funny and pretty. Pics of concerts and games I go too and the interesting people I meet, etc. It all seems so contrived now. I just need it to end. The saddest part is that I can tell that he is picking up on these messages. He doesn't really communicate with me anymore. He just responds. And I feel like the message I have put out is that I do not need anyone and I meet a lot of interesting men. I've never been disloyal to anyone. I can see now it is a cry for attention for a man who has gone into ignore mode. My ex-husband is actually blocked. He cannot see anything and he is never really on social media. If I have learned anything from my ex's affairs t is that snooping and social media is very damaging.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
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mkultra Offline OP
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Father's Day is coming up and I noticed that my ex-husband only wants to spend it with the kids without me. We have spent holidays as a joint family which included his parents and my brother's family. Now I see that he is reallly ready to have me out of his life. He even removed his tattoo of my name which really hurts!! I am going to work out and take the kids to see Superman. It has been rough because I feel like I am getting dumped by two men! My ex-husband and my ex-lover who would never be my boyfriend. Ouch!! OK. I need to move on.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
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mkultra Offline OP
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Each day is getting better since my relapse in depression. I have only experienced situational depression, so I find exercise, friends, journaling, movies all help me. I do stop eating and smoke more. I know that is very bad, but it feels like 10 minutes of sanity in a minefield. I still miss being in love even though it was an agonizing love. I made a list of the great loves and loves lost in my life. I realized that even the men that claimed to love me the most turned out to betray me in the end. I guess I have been attracted to very interesting passionate men who are also disloyal and noncommittal. Ugh. It is hard for me to settle down with a nice guy that is boring. Are all the interesting men taken?


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
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Why does "nice guy" have to mean boring? A man can be "nice"... and interesting and passionate too!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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mkultra Offline OP
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Of course, I just figured they were all taken by now or damaged. I am not a college aged gal anymore. The last man I dated was several years younger than me but he has baggage. He was educated, sexy, beautiful. We could talk about books, movies, traveling. He is gone. My ex husband and I were also intellectually compatible. He always supported my dreams and ambitions in film and education. So, this brings me to last night. The conversation I had with a nice man. He asked me if I preferred Poison or Motley Crue, his favorite bands. I said I was much more into different types of music, not so much hair bands from the 80's. He looked at me like I was an alien and asked me about comic books. This was cute for a while, but I knew I could not be interested in this person even though he was a nice guy. It does get lonely. I am not attracted to non committal men on purpose. I want them to be loyal. It is something wrong with me. I am lacking emotional commitment. I was married. I thought that was enough. I was wrong.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
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Posts: 9,035
You passed on a nice comic book afficiendo, tsk tsk!
Seriously though, we are often attracted to what we know. It's comforting, even though it may not be healthy. You know how to play the game with non-committal kinds of guys and you get to be the victim when it all goes bad. It may be fear of intimacy on your part as well. You date non-committal unavailable guys you don't have to worry about giving your heart and unexpectedly having it ripped out again down the road. This way, you know where it's heading before it starts. Just food for thought.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
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mkultra Offline OP
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Thank you for your feedback. Your observations are exactly true.

I truly do not want to move on with someone new. i do not believe there are plenty of fish in the sea. I feel like a fish that is going extinct. I feel like my numbers are getting limited. Something about my personality will not allow me to date online or date someone who is not funny.

I am just not like other women who grab a hold onto a man for dear life.

I work in my family pub and I see it every night. Sometimes, I envy those women.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
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