I am experiencing a flurry of emotions from all over the spectrum - I certainly didn't expect this type of a range.
I have felt a general non-attraction to XW since this past weekend (before date of D was known - found out Monday, D on Tuesday). That has continued and while not completely "new" to me, it's new for it to persist.
Coming here and sharing my thoughts, getting feedback from all of you who have been kind enough to read through my typically overly-verbose posts ...this has been nothing short of friggin' outstanding for me and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.
I'll pull some stuff from the previous thread into this one at some point, but just wanted to get a new one started since the other is closed.
Make today great!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thanks for the congrats and best of luck. Each day brings new opportunities and challenges to make into opportunities. It's been one week since the first mention of trying for the MRS, but it's put me in flux in my emotions. Not that I don't want to work at it, but it just juggles you so much just as much as the D being final for you. You knew it was coming and I thought there was a potential for my W to change her mind, but doesn't mean it will not mess you up.
I'm obviously stoked at our recent discussions, but I can't tell you how bad the undertow has been into panicking. Trying to focus again on what I can control without getting ahead of myself. I feel like I need to be patient for both me and the MRS as she scares herself with not wanting to go back to where we were just a few months ago (which I don't want either).
Enough of my crapola, you have been an inspiration to me in my journey and I know you'll continue to be. It's wonderful taking time to focus on one's self and really making those positive changes. I've always thought I had to give everything of myself to my kids not realizing if I don't take care of myself how much I'd lose. Now that I see how much focusing on me and being the best me possible provides more opportunities to be the great dad, husband and person for everyone in my life. It's just a matter of perspective, patience and focus. Just glad to be here!!
Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I am having very...difficult(?) feeling towards XW. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to be best buds.
I look at her and I don't see her the same way. (She told me she went through the same thing with me pre-OM and pre-BD, so I'm not surprised other than that this is actually taking place.)
Maybe this will go away, or maybe this is another piece breaking loose.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM - Sorry you're feeling these things because I know it weighs heavy on your ability to be patient. I had the same reaction once things settled and we moved quickly into D mode. Just no need for conversation or seeing them.
With the D being official, these feelings may develop more for you and you must be prepared for that. Key is to not let those feelings change your need to be the man you want to be for your daughters and for you.
Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Hi PatientMan~~Thanks for stopping by and offering support. I will get caught up with where you are with things in your sitch. I hope you are having a good day. Thanks again and take care
Somebody else mentioned that they went through sandi2's 37 rules and found that, though they were difficult at first, were now fully implementing all of them without even thinking about it. So I decided to do the same, and I am honestly 36/37. My miss is #19:
Quote:
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment...
I am having trouble faking it...acting "as if" with a particular set of emotions - the set that doesn't want to be around her. I can act not sad/depressed/grieving, but when I don't want to be around her I just can't seem to mask it.
With as busy as we both are, I guess it isn't that big of a deal. I just realize that the PatientMan that has moved forward with his life and is detached from XW wouldn't be experiencing this set of emotions. So it's proof to both her and me that I'm not there. And it certainly isn't attractive to be standoffish, but when I feel that way I really don't care if she finds me attractive.
Yes, I want her to see what she's missing, and being standoffish doesn't help me in that department. I want to be there...where I don't care. But right now I think about the quick list of things she has done (not absolving my own responsibility), and I'm not past that list.
Maybe I need do need to get it off my chest and just tell her. I can't figure out how to get past it by other means. Which is ironic because if I'm past it then I wouldn't need to tell her...
On my list of goals (end of last thread) was to truly forgive XW. Somehow, though, I seem to "need" two things:
1) Me to tell her what is bothering me and why I'm so hurt by what she's done. 2) Her to acknowledge that these things were she did were wrong.
Well that^ isn't true forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't come with conditions.
I think I'm back to needing space. While she is acting all hunky dory, I'm just hurt and not okay with her. And maybe that breaks a "rule", but I think it's okay to need my own space.
And when I think about space I realize it pushes her away, and I don't want that. What a mess I am! Aargh!
Maybe I never really held her accountable for her actions in my mind pre-D (well, at least pre-April when I started to feel different). And now that D is final, I'm looking back on what has transpired and accepting the behavior and choices for what they really were, and my mind if finally catching up to reality. I suppose her transgressions were forgivable offenses if she and I reconciled. As time went on I realized more and more that serious work was needed for me to accept her back (but I would still accept her), but now that M is officially/legally over, the reality is fully settling in.
Goodness gracious. I swear I don't intend these posts to be this long when I get started. My mind just starts processing information as I type and the thoughts just come vomiting out.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hi PatientMan~~ I can very much understand where you are right now. I have the same feelings about my H that I am stuck in right now. I am trying very hard to work thru the fact that H is having affair with a JW. I too feel that forgiveness should not have conditions but then in my messed up mind I rationalize that he should not have been able to give himself a condition to go outside our M and look for what he had right in front of him. Only you can decide what you are willing to do and what you can tolerate. I know for myself as hard as it is I want so much to try and stand and work on things. I need to GAL and get my PMA working. We are here walking this road with you. Sending you hugs and strength. Take care of yourself.
It took me two years to reach the point of where I could lay down my pride and resentment and truly tell my H I was sorry, and to stop pointing fingers. He wouldn't go with me to see a MC, or anybody, and we had nobody to help us as a couple. The help I received was right here on this board. It was LBH's just like you who taught me how badly I had hurt the man who loved me the most. Even admitting to the board members (and my H) what I had done was wrong, I still had not hit that point of being humble. I would go to church, and I would pray that God would help me to feel remorse instead of resentment. I had years & years of resentment toward my H built up in me. I prayed for God's forgiveness, but it took a long time before I could even start to forgive myself.
So, you see, "knowing" I was wrong was the first step, but it's not enough to heal a M. Being raised in a very strict Christian home, and having a set of great role models (parents) placed a high value on M & family. So, I knew my heart was not what it should be in order to have a happy M with my H. What I'm trying to say is that I had a lot of stuff to work out in me. I had to actually forgive my H (even though he never asked b/c he didn't think he had done anything wrong), and then I had to stop blaming him for the past.
...and it makes me realize again how much I hurt her and that I should just STFU and leave her be. Hearing from me what she did to me probably won't facilitate anything positive for her.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
...this has been nothing short of friggin' outstanding for me and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.