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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Mar 2011
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Eryam Offline OP
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Previous thread:
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It was nearing the century mark, and, dare I say it, I don't think we're exactly piecing anymore. We're here and I don't think either of us is going anywhere.

Lord, hindsight is 20/20.

Everything is a trigger. Everything. My car. My work. My master's degree. My child. Adele. California. Planes. Brunches. Pregnancy. Some are less offensive than others. Some are known and expected, others are complete slaps in the face.

I honestly don't know if I would have stayed if I knew just how much work this would be on the other side. And honestly, I'm just too f-ing stubborn to jump ship at this point. He's worked too hard. I've worked too hard. He is an excellent father, and I seriously doubt I would every find someone who is willing to work this hard to mend such a huge f-up.

Does that mean I'm happy?

I don't know. Some days I think I am. Other days I literally can't feel my hands and feet because I am still so enraged.

I graduated with my master's in December. I walked this past week. I went to the ceremony alone ahead of my family members because I had to be there early for to pick up my regalia. I cried the whole way to the ceremony in my car.

My child turned two this past month. While also stubborn (hey, comes by it honestly), she really is a wonderful child. I love being a mother. She is the only thing preventing me from doing something extremely illegal.

I want more children and soon. But this trauma is blocking me.

I even had my IUD removed. I'm not playing any games. H has wanted a 2nd child longer than I have at this point. It's not the prospect of another child that scares me.

It's being pregnant.

It literally sends me into a murderous rage where my throat tightens up and I become numb all over except for my chest which feels like it will explode. I cannot form words because my mind is racing too fast.

H is doing all he can, really. He's going to IC and couples. He tries to come home at a consistent time nightly, and when he doesn't he's got good communication. He's better about not becoming irritated when I get into these... moods. He just apologizes and tries to talk me out of the crazy.

My mind hasn't been going to the "I need to make this all end. Now." place. So that's a positive.

In fact, if anything, it goes there less often since coming off of the ADs. Weird.

Maybe this is so hard right now, this week, because my master's came to it's final close. Maybe it's because I knew this was the first feasible month we would be trying to conceive. Maybe because work is ending in 2 days, and I will have all my summer alone with my (crazy) thoughts.

I don't want this black spot to define my life. I don't want to not have more children because of it. I don't want to be scarred forever for 9 months of insanity.

I still want to murder that b!tch.


I have the patience of Job.
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How much IC have YOU gotten?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Plenty. Minimally weekly every week for 2+ years. There was a time where there was twice a week. And couples.


I have the patience of Job.
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Since all this happened, we've spent over 5k in $20 copays. We're going a lot. I would say I soley account for 70% of that.


I have the patience of Job.
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Alright, now how much time do you and your H spend just having fun together? No relationship talk, no relationship 'work', just enjoying one another's presence?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Eryam Offline OP
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I mean, we don't have relationship talks all that often, honestly.

Sometimes we're struggling with things to talk about in couples. As far as the day to day things go, we're fine. When we go out, we have a good time. This time of year we're both exhausted, but at least he doesn't take it out on me, and I don't take it out on him. We're pretty good about getting a date night in now and then. If we don't get one of those, then we schedule a family activity with the kiddo at least once per weekend. Our marriage, in our current state, is fine. And really, it was decent before all this mess too. Not to say this mess hasn't made our marriage better in some aspects, but it wasn't broken before the A.

I think that's probably the sh!ttiest thing about all this: the more I dig and analyze and try to figure out what went wrong and how I could have made things better the more I realize this had NOTHING to do with me.

It was H's problem. His insanity. His insecurity. His BS. He just dragged me down with him.

We honest to God did not have a crap marriage to begin with. That's why all of this was such a freaking blindsiding event. I tried to take responsibility for a long time. Maybe I was neglectful. Maybe I wasn't as loving and attention giving as I should have been. Maybe if I'd been more adventurous or more fun. Maybe if I made more money or managed my money better.

No. The more we dig and analyze, and the more we talk, the more we realize this was just him being a selfish d!ck. Sure, he was scared. Sure, he wasn't intentionally malicious. But the long and short of this is he screwed this up all on his own. And he came to this conclusion faster than I did.

I don't like being the victim. I don't like stuff just "happening" to me. I don't expect, or want, anyone to feel sorry for me.

But this was not my fault. And at least when you take fault/responsibility, you feel like there's something you can do to prevent it from happening again.

Maybe that's why the thought of being pregnant angers me so. If he fu&ks up again, then I'm the big fool who allowed myself to be in that vulnerable state again knowing what I know. And then I'll have no one to blame but myself.


I have the patience of Job.
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God bless you.
I'm reading your posts and I'm so sorry for you. I fully understand what you are passing through. Maybe you'll be able to forget. I didn't. I'm not able to forgive either. Everything's so alive in my eyes and in my mind. And yes, everything's a trigger. I really hope time will cure our souls.

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Quote:

It was nearing the century mark, and, dare I say it, I don't think we're exactly piecing anymore. We're here and I don't think either of us is going anywhere.


How long since he ended his infidelity exactly?

Quote:
Everything is a trigger. Everything. My car. My work. My master's degree. My child. Adele. California. Planes. Brunches. Pregnancy. Some are less offensive than others. Some are known and expected, others are complete slaps in the face.


You have PTSD, most victims of infidelity will experience this for several years after the traumatizing betrayal occurs. It will fade in time, depending on how hard you and your spouse work to resolve the trust issues he and OP created in your home.

There are ways to make the process more effective, and other things a spouse may do that can derail the process completely (like contacting OP again).

It's PTSD my dear, plain and simple as that. Not to trivialize it, I put my husband through it, I see it every day and work to help him through it. You are gonna get a different perspective from me here, I am the cheater in my household. But I've been working hard to resolve that as best I can. Posting here is part of that.

Quote:

I honestly don't know if I would have stayed if I knew just how much work this would be on the other side. And honestly, I'm just too f-ing stubborn to jump ship at this point. He's worked too hard. I've worked too hard. He is an excellent father, and I seriously doubt I would every find someone who is willing to work this hard to mend such a huge f-up.


The thing you aren't realizing is that leaving is just as much work. Building trust with someone else NEW is NOT going to be easy either. Particularly after betrayals that aren't resolved, building trust again can be near impossible.

Working with your spouse to resolve the betrayals is likely LESS work than rebuilding fresh. Don't assume walking out is going to put a stop to the anxiety you are experiencing. Don't assume having a relationship fresh with someone new will put a stop to the constant looking over your shoulder. It doesnt'.

Quote:

Does that mean I'm happy?


That's not the goal right now.

Quote:

I don't know. Some days I think I am. Other days I literally can't feel my hands and feet because I am still so enraged.


Anxiety does that. The side effect of PTSD is anxiety, as well as other problems, hyper vigilance for example, as well as periodic flashbacks that set off a panic attack or two.

Quote:

I graduated with my master's in December. I walked this past week. I went to the ceremony alone ahead of my family members because I had to be there early for to pick up my regalia. I cried the whole way to the ceremony in my car.


PTSD. It's not rocket science, it's PTSD.

Quote:

My child turned two this past month. While also stubborn (hey, comes by it honestly), she really is a wonderful child. I love being a mother. She is the only thing preventing me from doing something extremely illegal.


Such as?

Quote:

I want more children and soon. But this trauma is blocking me.

I even had my IUD removed. I'm not playing any games. H has wanted a 2nd child longer than I have at this point. It's not the prospect of another child that scares me.

It's being pregnant.


At this point I do NOT reccomend it. You are nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment again. Adding a pregnancy and a child into a recovery process may just derail the whole thing. I get there's a time crunch. But you are quite young and have time yet. I do NOT reccomend you working on a child together right now. You two have a lot to resolve yet. Your anxiety is a clear indicator that there's a lot of work to be done yet before you can trust him enough to share another child with him. Patience is essential here.


Quote:

It literally sends me into a murderous rage where my throat tightens up and I become numb all over except for my chest which feels like it will explode. I cannot form words because my mind is racing too fast.


Yes, this is a classic panic attack.

Quote:

H is doing all he can, really. He's going to IC and couples. He tries to come home at a consistent time nightly, and when he doesn't he's got good communication. He's better about not becoming irritated when I get into these... moods. He just apologizes and tries to talk me out of the crazy.

My mind hasn't been going to the "I need to make this all end. Now." place. So that's a positive.


What else is he doing? Is he sitting with you each night, affirming his full commitment to you, holding you to comfort you, to reassure you that he is workign to become fully committed again?

Don't believe he is, you can't cheat for months and months and then just flip a commitment switch back to your spouse anymore than YOU can. He may want to be committed, but he really needs to work a lot more before he can say that with 100% confidence.

Quote:

In fact, if anything, it goes there less often since coming off of the ADs. Weird.


AD's are a dice throw for most people and highly unpredictable. They may stabilize extreemes, but there are a lot of unknowns you have to find out during day to day usage.

Quote:

Maybe this is so hard right now, this week, because my master's came to it's final close. Maybe it's because I knew this was the first feasible month we would be trying to conceive. Maybe because work is ending in 2 days, and I will have all my summer alone with my (crazy) thoughts.


Life stressors in general are going to make you vulnerable to increased anxiety and panic attacks. This takes time to recover from. Time and hard work from both of you.

Quote:

I don't want this black spot to define my life. I don't want to not have more children because of it. I don't want to be scarred forever for 9 months of insanity.


That's a great start. But you need to slow down. You cannot hurry re-commitment. That's something you two build, over time, with care and a LOT of patience.

Quote:

I still want to murder that b!tch.


Yup, that likely won't ever go away. But the constant instinct to think about that needs time and hard work to put it into the background. It's clear from your post that this is still very much in the foreground of your thoughts.

You cannot rush true commitment between partners. That's built over time. Partners in infidelity try to rush, and look what happens?

Do NOT emulate that, do the opposite, take time, care, and patience to rebuild a loving commitment slowly.

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MM, I wish I could give you a hug. You got a degree and have a toddler at home! I am applauding you! Congratulations on your degree. I understand the associations seem grim now, but that will fade in time.

You are where I was a few years ago. Stick with the DBing! Make it your religion. It really saved me.

I understand all those triggers. What helped me was becoming transparent. I did not want to sound crazy, but verbalizing the triggers helped them fade. For example, I demanded my DJ take Stevie Wonder out of his playlists at work. I told him it reminded me too much of my ex. he laughed , but respected my wishes. Other people can relate to that pain. After 6-8 months I was able to listen to some different Stevie Wonder! I know it sounds silly.

Having the a child as a trigger is normal, too. I have two and my ex pretty much checked out while I was pregnant. But he did not officially leave until my son was two. So, I know it is hard! Five years later my son snuck into my closet, found some honeymoon photos and pinned them to his bedroom mirror.

Because of DB, I know I could have salvaged my marriage, but guess what? I ran out of love from my love bank. I moved on. It has NOT been easy, but I stayed sane and pretty happy. I'm sure you will, too.

Who knows what will happen next? But a happy partner is hard to leave. Affairs are more common than we realize and marriages have survived them for ages. I just cannot be with a cheater. I know that now. as much as I wish we could have stayed married. I have sex hang ups, I guess.

I did not take my ex back, but I met two men who were a lot worse, but they taught me a lot about myself and I had some interesting experiences.


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
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Eryam Offline OP
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More birthdays have come and gone. We're both a year older.

We have officially started "trying" for baby number 2. I am... ambivalent about it. I want more children. I want them to be close in age to D. My milestones that I required for D to accomplish before a 2nd one have been achieved (1. follow simple directions 2. be potty trained... thank GOD). We are... stable. I suppose. As stable as can be given the bullsh!t H put us through over the past 3 years.

I have started EMDR. Long story short, it's one of the ways to deal with trauma. I had to make a list of all the "snapshots" that I think of when I think of the A. I f@cking hated it. And it made me hate him even more. And it's been almost a week since I made that awful list, and I'm still furious over it.

My IC is on Saturdays. We established my "safe place" and went over the various events. T has chosen to go through them chronologically vs. by intensity of trauma because I'm having a hard time ranking them as to which ones were least traumatic. They were all traumatic. They all suck almost equally. Sure, some are a 10 and others are an 8, but none of them are so low to be a 5, much less anything lower or less distressing. After reading it out loud, the T said, "you realize all of the things on that list are due to his own mental illness, right?". Yes. I know this. And he just dumped it on me. How sweet.

I just motherf@cking hate him right now.

I keep hoping that if he can be a good father/spouse through this next pregnancy that it will go far. In fact, I feel sure that it will. But I'm terrified of the alternative.

When I'm not being my kindest and tolerating his normal level of BS (which, not being dramatic, his friends have often said to me "how the hell do you live with him??"), he is now resorting to verbal abuse. Which I ignore, because my give-a-sh!t meter is at an all time low with him. He can call me all the nasty names in the book that he wants, and I'm probably still going to be a B to him.

When he does it in front of D, that's another story. Let me be clear. He is not verbally abusive to D in anyway. He is not abusive at all in anyway to her. But he did call me some names in front of her yesterday, and thank God (really, HE should be thanking God, not me) that she was engrossed in Mickey Mouse otherwise I would have ripped him apart.

I reiterated to him after she went to bed last night that if someone were ever to call her those names, I'd personally kick their a$$ and he knows it. By saying those things to me in front of her teaches here that that is appropriate behavior from a man.

And it's not. Period.

I just want him to go away for a while. I hate looking at his motherf@cking face right now. I just want to drop off the radar.

I hate that D asks for him all day. Not that she doesn't seem to be having fun with me (although during the potty training trials I thought we might both kill each other). But she loves him dearly.

I wish she didn't love him so much. Maybe then I'd say "f it" and leave.

Maybe he'll end up being a sh!t head dad down the line. At this point, I'm still so angry with him, I just need one good excuse to leave.

I know the anger will fade. My T said the average time it takes to recover from an affair is 5 years. That's without prior trauma (which, lucky me, I have.. so it might take longer).

I remember reading the stats on divorce and how stupid it is most of the time. I remember the beginning of DR. I remember the pain of being a child of divorce. I know that most times it's not the best choice (barring abuse).

I'm just so OVER being mentally handicapped by this. And I'm tired of being an angry, MEAN b!tch. I've always been assertive, but now I'm just straight up mean to H. I try to keep it in check in front of D, but it's going to seep out. Sooner or later.


I have the patience of Job.
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