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Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
As the LBS, I fail to understand and get confused in the goal and what my part is in this. I am trying to focus on me (hard to do, when I am so used to focusing on him). I understand this is his journey to take and he will figure out HIS part. But, I don't understand what else I can be doing to help (from the distance). I need to put the mentality in my head and stick to it. What person do I need to be to make this better for him? Am I supposed to be his friend? Do I stay dim. How can I be friendly and dim? As a friend to my friends, I am involved. Does keeping the lighthouse on/pathway smooth work? Is the goal to let him feel like I am the only one who fully understands him and is still by his side? or am I to have disappeared far enough to let him figure it all out. Please help me understand how to be for him, for my head. (does this make sense?).

As the LBS, I fail to understand and get confused in the goal and what my part is in this.
As I understand the DB approach, you DON'T have a part to play. Having a "part" would mean you could share the MLC.
HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF.

I am trying to focus on me (hard to do, when I am so used to focusing on him).
Originally Posted By: Cadet

The fault that most of us here have is that for years we enabled their PAIN and tried to help them.
After a while the enabling still did not take away their PAIN.
That is one of the reasons they are in crisis.
Nothing that we or anyone else did could take that PAIN away.

I understand this is his journey to take and he will figure out HIS part.
But, I don't understand what else I can be doing to help (from the distance).

If you fully understand the first of these two sentences, then you wouldn't ask the second. HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF.
What person do I need to be to make this better for him?
WFM, read the above question. Is that a question that an independent, strong person would ask? No, I'm sorry, but its not. MLC IS HIS JOURNEY, HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF. And if he doesn't, if you manage to pretzel yourself, or somehow prematurely snap your H out of it, then the MLC will come back with a vengeance. You have to let the MLC run its course without trying to speed it up. Yes, this svcks, and hurts, and is incredibly hard.
Am I supposed to be his friend? Do I stay dim. How can I be friendly and dim?
Dim would be not initiating things. Being his friend would be being friendly and cheerful when HE initiates contact. Being appreciative of his efforts. You CAN be a dim friend.
As a friend to my friends, I am involved.
Your H is a special category of "friend".
Does keeping the lighthouse on/pathway smooth work? It might. There is no guarantee. But it might take YEARS. But, if you are looking for a "role" THIS IS IT - PERIOD. No, make that EXCLAMATION POINT!
Is the goal to let him feel like I am the only one who fully understands him and is still by his side?
WHAT??? If you could even do this, what would the result be? That your H would be totally dependent on you? Would that be healthy for him? The goal is for him to understand himself. And to do that, HE HAS TO DO THIS ALL BY HIMSELF.
or am I to have disappeared far enough to let him figure it all out.
Yes! WFM you got it! And while he's figuring it all out, you are becoming the most fantastic delightful wonderful WFM the world has ever seen! You will be so brilliant that you could be mistaken for a lighthouse - by which he will find his way "home".
Please help me understand how to be for him, for my head. (does this make sense?).
Please help me understand how to be for him, No no no. Nothing "for him", everything "for wfm". Be the best you - but WFM, you don't know who that is, do you? You have given everything away over the years... Now is the time to get it back. To figure out WHO YOU ARE. You must become an individual.
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I want to work on myself!!!

Great! But why? For your H? Or for yourself? Your mindset needs to be to "work on yourself" for your own benefit. Not to make H notice. If he does, great. But if he doesn't, oh well. T(That's part of the zero expectations idea.)

You can do this wfm. But you must let go of your H first.


Me 46 H 56
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You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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Magic,
I have spent 13 years studying MLC and to be honest w/you, you will never get all of the answers to the "whys, what if's, how can they do this or that" questions. Mlc is not recognized as a disease in today's society. It is an emotional journey for those who travel it. We all go through transitions, but some do not have the proper coping skills, which, in turn, trigger the full blown crisis. Mlc is not just about the little red sports car, younger women/men, gold chains and muscle shirts. Yes, we all grew up thinking those things because no one really talked about it many years ago. The first time I heard about it was when Bill Clinton did his dirty little deed w/Monica.

In the real world, I've not seen support groups for MLC. There are a number of MLC forums on the web and I can honestly tell you that this forum is the most compassionate one. I am a member of 5 different forums and I will be perfectly honest w/you, they would not tolerate the constant questions that you ask 10 different ways and they would shut you down very quickly and tell you to get a life and let the man go. This forum is one of the best ones out there because the posters come here for advice and take what advice that applies to their situation. The posters actually care about the people posting, not just here but in the real world. Bottom line, support groups are available to help anyone w/their problems, but most importantly, they are there to help you get back on your feet and to find solutions on your own that would fit your particular need. They will not have a magic potion to help you get your SO back. They focus only on the person attending the group.

You have been given a lot of "free" advice/suggestions that would have most likely have costed you thousands of dollars by now had you been visiting a counselor or a therapist. One of the things that I have noticed is that you are still looking for a magical potion to fix the problem. You are expecting people to tell you what to do or how to fix the situation. There is no magic pill when dealing w/mlc. You can't fix the problem. It's his problem to fix. The only person that you need to worry about right now is yourself. You are the one that is technically out on the street. What are you going to do to make your life better? How are you going to survive if your SO decides he doesn't want you back under the same roof w/him? You need to be planning how you are going to make your life better in the short duration because from what you have posted, it doesn't look like he is ready to have you come home.

Magic, I am very much aware that you are frustrated because you can't get the answers you want, but I can honestly tell you this...until you drop the rope and leave the situation alone, nothing will change. You need to take your entire focus off your personal relationship w/your SO and turn the focus back on to you. Changes take time and it could take a long time for those changes to become permanent and for him to see that changes are taking place. As pointed out over on PON's thread, there are no guarantees in life and no one can guarantee that you and your SO will reconcile. But, I can assure you, that if you listen and apply some of the advice/suggestions that have been provided to you, your chances are far greater in having a civil relationship w/your SO than if you continue to remain stuck in the muck, stomping your feet, always wanting answers to questions that none of us can answer, not even your SO can answer them at this time because he may not even know why he's doing what he's doing.

Life is far too short and you have spent entirely too much time focusing on him and trying to be a mindreader. Magic, it's time that you live your life for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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It's been quite awhile since I've been on this site. I remember hearing advice that told me to move on with my life, don't let my WAH take my life with him.

It's been almost a year since my husband lived in our house with me and and our Ds. It's been six months since the separation and divorce has been filed. I have gone thru really hard times and honestly believed I would never make it without him. I was wrong. It took every ounce of strength and determination to pick myself up and move on.

My husband had the "perfect storm" brewing when he walked out on me. He was the MLC king. He changed everything about himself...they way he looked, dressed, his interest, got involved with a woman 10 years younger than himself, he gave up everything he owned and gave up his relationship with his own daughters. He was and still is a man in crisis.

I have gathered myself together, even fired one lawyer that wasn't helping my cause. I now have a lawyer that will do what I need to secure my future and who is looking out for my and my daughters' best interest. I would never believed anyone if they said a year ago, I would be where I am today.

I was told many times in this forum that I would change. I didn't believe it would happen, but I have changed. I lost a man that I loved for nearly 30 years. But, that man doesn't exist anymore. A man I only know as a stranger has taken his place. I do mourn the marriage I had. But, I have gained so much since this time last year. I have met people that have added so much good to my life. My relationships with my daughters, family and friends have grown into unbreakable bonds and over flowing love. I may have lost my husband, but I have gained so much more in my life.

So, a year later, I am still going thru a divorce. I am on my second lawyer. I have friendships that have grown stronger. My daughters and I are closer and have a bond that can never be broken. My heart is full of love and I am loved by so many. I have had some hard lessons and have been thru hell and back. I have stayed true to myself and friends and family. I have a wonderful man I am now spending time with. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I never knew this kind of man existed, but he does and he's in my life.

As for my STBX, he lives alone, doesn't have any belongings to speak of, has a GF that he can't introduce to anyone because of the shame and embarrassment the relationship started from. He doesn't have a relationship with our daughters because of all the lying he had done. He has become a lonely man with not much in his life. Maybe this is what he wants. All I know is, there is that light at the end of the tunnel. It's a very scary journey to get to that light, but I have become a stronger person by making my way through.

Those of you trying to hold onto a relationship that isn't "there" anymore, ask yourself if fighting for something only you want is worth losing who you are. I'll say the thing I didn't believe when I first read it here myself.....find your own life. Take care of the relationship you have with your children. Lean on the people who love you, you can't do this alone. You WILL be ok. You will probably find that your life can be better than you ever imagined. I did.

Good luck to everyone. Don't rely on someone else to make you happy. Find your happiness within yourself :o)


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Magic,
You may want to think about starting a new thread. You now have 113 postings. Your thread fills up quickly. Try to make the new thread about you and what you want to do w/your life, i.e., focusing on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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