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Joined: Mar 2013
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Hey moth76

Great post and it seems to coincide with the point I have reached in my M.
Unlike your sitch, my M left me because I wasn't a nice person could have done so much more to respect and listen to her. That's the past now. I have made big changes to how I think, behave and interact with her and my sons.

Over time, my changes have begun to bring positive feedback from those around me and slowly but surely I started to feel happiness again. I became a better father, a better son, a better brother and a more considerate husband...even though W and I are separated.

My W noticed and acknowledged the change in me but did not trust it and chose to take the path that it would not last. I understand her scepticism and fear.

She withdrew even more and chose to cut communication to a minimum. I maintained my pma and respect and consideration for her.

She now wants to limit my days a week with my sons which hurts a lot. But I will continue to treat her respectfully and navigate through these challenges with love and compassion, it's the only way. I will contest this as I do not believe it is what is best for our sons...which is the justification she is giving me at the moment.. We are currently co-parenting and it is working fine so I don't understand the need for change. Our boys are happy.

So I'm at the crossroads now. I am happy with who I am becoming, but still feel a bitterness and resentment from my W. She has the right to feel what she feels and I have the right to choose not to engage with it.

I have accepted the death of my marriage and I'm optimistic about the future. Whether I contains my W or not, I'm not sure. At this stage it hurts to be around her, I don't enjoy our interactions so I can't say I want to get back with her. It's a sad realisation but liberating as well as it feels like I don't need to worry what she thinks of me anymore. I can just continue being that better me, for myself and for my sons.

I think I have finally detached this time, with a clear and positive outlook on life.

Thanks for your great post moth76... I read it every few days.


Me - 37
W - 37
M -5
T - 15

S=5
S=3

Seperated - 12/12
BD - 20/03/13
Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 73
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moth76 Offline OP
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Some notes from the last few weeks:

Life is settling quite a bit. In a good routine with my son, we have been doing some awesome things together. Also I have been getting his home schooling back on track with W.

I am still working very hard on my anger management, and am continuing to work toward being patient and compassionate with W, while maintaining my dignity and boundaries.

All in all I am in a very healthy and happy place in my life now. DB didn't save my marriage, but it definitely helped me save myself.


Me-36 W-31
M-7
S-5
BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand

Seeking means: to have a goal
Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 73
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moth76 Offline OP
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WaW_sc....

Sounds like you are in a good place, all we can do is continue to be the best person possible, life will give you what you need. Just be receptive to it.


Me-36 W-31
M-7
S-5
BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand

Seeking means: to have a goal
Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 73
M
moth76 Offline OP
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Posts: 73
So it has been some time since I last posted. Life has become its own normal with new routines etc. I am continuing to work on me and give my best to my boy. We have been doing a lot of outdoor stuff like hiking that we are both loving. We are having new exciting little adventures every weekend. It is awesome having these times with him.

There has been much more peace between W and I, and we are talking on the phone almost daily. My feeling is to just be, and let her make any decisions that she needs to. There is no rush to do anything else. I had set some pretty strong boundaries with her, things that mostly related to the affair. She was upset at first but has been reaching out and communicating more lately.

My path is to keep working on my changes and being the best me, if W decides to start making her needed changes while reconnecting with me, then we can work on that if/when it happens.

Not much else going on, life is good.


Me-36 W-31
M-7
S-5
BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand

Seeking means: to have a goal
Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 73
M
moth76 Offline OP
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Posts: 73
I attended the E.E. workshop this past weekend. It was an awesome experience, and I definitely learned a good deal about myself. Befriended some awesome people and gained some honesty about what I was telling myself were my wants/needs.

In getting more support to be self-aware and accepting I also realized that my emotions-thoughts-actions were not congruent with my boundaries. By that I mean I wasn't aware that I allowed my barriers to erode and W was engaging me emotionally and consequently I was reacting to what she was doing or how she felt.

I have been assisted in creating a detailed plan with better support to keep myself detached from the confusion.

Also have to give a huge thanks to the several people from these boards who were there and so supportive. Your friendship and support has been amazing!
I will be posting more regularly again in order to stay more aware of any future backsliding.


Me-36 W-31
M-7
S-5
BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand

Seeking means: to have a goal
Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 251
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Posts: 251
This thread have been very inspiring to me. The way you can externally express your feeling, faults and resolutions are truly amazing.

Keep up the great work!


H 37
WAW 32
S 4 (Autistic)
S 2
Together 11 years
Married 6
Bombshell Dec 1 2012
House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 73
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moth76 Offline OP
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A little update for this past week.
My professional life has kept me very busy recently. It has been great being involved with so many cool projects. A bit of a struggle in seeing my son as much as I would like but I do as much as I can, and speak to him on the phone frequently as well.
My parents are coming to visit next month though, so my son and I are going to get a mini vacation with them. Looking forward to the time together.

A strange thing happened last night, W called to chat with me and asked many questions about how everything is going for me and my work etc. I told her about my work stuff and listened yo her talk a bit about her job. We spoke briefly about son's schooling then hung up.
Not doing or thinking anything about it, was just outside the normal routine so I figured I would post.


Me-36 W-31
M-7
S-5
BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand

Seeking means: to have a goal
Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
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