So I was dumped this weekend and frankly it hurts like hell! This was the first woman who I had truly started to develope strong feelings for since my ex. What makes my head spin more than Linda Blair's in The Exorcist is the reason why she left - apparently I am too nice of a guy, too accomodating and considerate which drives her crazy. Clearly just as I think I've figured things out relationship wise - I obviously don't have a clue. So back in to relationship hibernation I go for awhile to lick my wounds. The thought of starting over again makes me ill.
I'm so sorry BA, I know you were really excited about this relationship. It [censored]. I'm recovering from the loss of a 14 month relationship myself. I ended it but I still loved her and feel immense pain because of it. Take your time, be good to yourself and review what you could have done differently...but later, not now. It's just getting through today that counts. I've turned to my friends and church group, they've been there for me. I hope you have people to support you too. Reach out to people, don't be shy or feel it's wimpy. In the end all we've really got in this life is God and each other... and that really is enough!
Thanks Kat and Wii. I do know that this too shall pass - however the process of getting there is just going to really be painful. That is the cost of investing myself emotionally into someone though and it certainly won't keep me from dipping my toe back into the water at a later date.
What is frustrating is that we really seemed like a good fit. Similar interests, goals and lifestyles, well liked by each other's kids and friends. I really thought this R had some legs to it and was completely caught off guard with the result. It is as if she flipped a switch from "on" to "off" regarding her involvement in the relationship. I need to stop trying to analyze what went wrong though, as that tends to drive me a bit crazy, and just get back to GAL without a companion for awhile.
Wii - sorry you are going through something similar with SDA lady. Regardless of who calls the R off, I do know it hurts and is sad for both people.
"Clearly just as I think I've figured things out relationship wise - I obviously don't have a clue."
Not true, BA. The whole thing about relationships is that you have no control over what the other person thinks or feels. Her crap from the past may have jumped up and bit her in the ass. Maybe it was getting too scary for her...who knows. I think it takes a while sometimes before people start opening up their emotional gunny sacks and you never know what will pop out. That's part of the risk and why some decide they don't want to play anymore. I guess we are all broken people in one way or another. You're right, this too shall pass.
I think, when someone says you're "too nice", it can have one of several meanings - which of these do you think is probable?
- "I have a history of abuse and/or drama-filled relationships and mistakenly think that love means drama. Thus, this nice normal relationship doesn't give me the "high" I associate with love" (You're not gonna fix people with that kind of baggage - they gotta do a lot of work themselves. I once had a guy tell me "Kind is BORING" and that he needed a woman with drama! Not surprisingly, he had an abusive parent.)
- "I feel like you've fallen in love with me too fast and it puts pressure on me when I'm not quite sure how I feel yet. So rather than be in a relationship where you're more in love with me than I am with you (which is uncomfortable), I'd better quit now"
- "Your love languages don't match mine. So while you need physical touch and quality time, I feel smothered that you're always rubbing my skin and calling or texting all day" (If you haven't read the Five Love Languages, do so now - brilliant, simple concept, very important)
- "I'm a Love Avoidant and it just got too uncomfortable to be in a real relationship, I started to feel trapped" ("She's Scared, He's Scared is a good book on this subject. Caution though - Love Avoidants aren't very likely to change)
- "My old boyfriend showed back up and I'm just too much of a wimp to tell you the real truth"
- "You became too needy and smothering and it turned me off" (confidence and independence are attractive qualities)
I don't know which of these might be her thought process (conscious or more likely, unconscious) - does anything ring a bell for you? Which would you pick as most likely?
"I feel like you've fallen in love with me too fast and it puts pressure on me when I'm not quite sure how I feel yet. So rather than be in a relationship where you're more in love with me than I am with you (which is uncomfortable), I'd better quit now"
Admittedly in my mind her excuse that "I'm too nice" doesn't make sense to be a reason for why the relationship isn't working. I have backed off and gone dark since we had "the talk" on Saturday night. I did get a text from her yesterday saying that she is sorry. I responded back that there was no need to be sorry for how she felt and left it at that.
Perhaps after she has had some time to think things through on her own she will have a change of heart. If that is the case, then the ball will be in my court as to whether I want to put myself back in the situation.
While this is most certainly not the time to be analyzing the relationship it is often the time we can think of nothing else! Anyway, don't dismiss her "excuse" that you're too nice. Nice guy syndrome is an ingredient to relationship issues. Often the nice guy is looked upon as not being honest about his feelings. Nice guys can hide how they really feel in order to avoid conflict or what they fear most...rejection. It can also mean resentment builds as nice guy feels he's doing everything and getting nothing in return or just doens't want to go to the stupid Pilates class but does anyway! There's a book No More Mr. Nice Guy and a website nomoremrniceguy.com. I found some things that fit me whereas others did not. It might be worth a peek.
I don't think it's an all or nothing situation. It's not either you are nice or you are jerk. It's looking at how your "nice" effects the relationship. If your "nice" means you never have conflict, are agreeable to everything, never disagree on any subject, or you are continually doing things just because she wants to then those are things to look at. Being nice is not nice if it is covering up who you really are. Anyway, I have no idea whether any of that is you or not BA, just sayin' don't disregard being too nice as a legitimate reason to end a relationship. Being too nice can also be known as "the disease to please" and it's a relationship killer! Hey, your lady was a nurse, right? So was mine.