is standing more taboo than divorce?

[grebjack]

On the wall next to me is a certificate from my wedding day. Our vows are at the top, then our signatures, then the signatures of all the guests who came to our wedding and had their own "I do" moment where they committed to supporting our marriage. (It's a Quaker thing.) I kinda thought the purpose of marrying publicly was to engage the social institution in protecting the couple.

But now, for the first time in my years-long DBing journey, I have met someone who is an attractive alternative to my beautiful husband. I feel excited and confused and affirmed and sinful all at once. I have discussed it with my three best friends, my pastor, and the morally conservative (I would say fundamentalist) crew of my DivorceCare group. Without exception, their response has been, "go for it," "life is short." I am grateful to these people who only want my happiness, but I wonder who is supposed to tell me "you're married," "you made a commitment."

One of my friends told me, protectively, "make sure he's divorced first." I hope he has friends giving him the same warning about me, 'cause I think I'm dangerous.

[shelly_shore]

Make sure YOU and HE are BOTH divorced first. That's how this works.

Who are these people telling married women to start dating men?? What kind of advice is that?

Yes, he's moved out, yes your marriage may be over. Then get a divorce. Do NOT date while you are legally married.

ANY MAN who WILL date you while YOU are STILL MARRIED is NOT quality material, despite how charming, handsome, and kind or whatever he may seem.

Men who are willing to date married women are men you need to STAY AWAY FROM.

[Cadet]

I wonder who is supposed to tell me "you're married," "you made a commitment."

Are you divorced yet?

I will tell you that.

Nothing wrong with having a fling but then again you are no better than your spouse or ex-spouse.

You need to heal yourself first before you enter in another serious relationship.

Are you healed?

If you are not divorced I would say NO you are not.

[grebjack]

Who are these people telling married women to start dating men?? What kind of advice is that?

That's what seems so crazy to me. It's EVERYONE. The two of you posting here and my own moral compass make three voices shouting against an enormous chorus. I can't tell you how many times in the past week I've said "because I'm married!" only to have my friend, pastor, whoever, respond, "but you haven't lived together for five years," or "you're being too hard on yourself." I think the rest of the world has failed to see me as married from the moment I said "we're in trouble." My INSURANCE COMPANY required us to change our policies two summers ago on the grounds that we're no longer married, even though I live in a state with no legal separation, so there is NO change in our legal status, and even though it's an insurance company that works exclusively with military families so a huge fraction of their couples are geographically separated. It blows my mind.

Nothing wrong with having a fling but then again you are no better than your spouse or ex-spouse.

I make no claims to being better than my husband. He's actually pretty great and I have no evidence that he has ever cheated on me.

ANY MAN who WILL date you while YOU are STILL MARRIED is NOT quality material, despite how charming, handsome, and kind or whatever he may seem.

Yeah, I'm not in a position to judge his integrity at the moment - I've got my hands full looking out for my own. But in his defense, he has not asked me out, and he many not even be aware that I'm married since my husband is hardly my favorite topic of casual conversation.

Are you healed?

Not sure I ever will be, divorce or no divorce.

Thanks for your responses. It's nice to know I'm not the ONLY person who thinks of marriage as an exclusive relationship.