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#2336891 04/08/13 12:23 PM
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Here is my previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...603#Post2336603

WAW has refused to break contact with OM and has made it clear she does not find me attractive or want to be with me. Bomb dropped five months ago and I have done more with children and house whilst being the main bread winner. WAW has focused on herself, training for marathon and refused to consider counselling.

I feel to be true to myself I have to ask her to leave, I dont think she knows what whe wants but it is not me.


Me 44
WAS 41
T 11
S 8
D 5
DB November 2012
EA and PA discovered December 2012
WAS moved out 4 May 2013
Share residence of S and D 50/50
WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.

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It would be better if she left on her own.

But what would it look like if you asked her to leave?

I am thinking more on a financial basis here.


Me-68, D35,S34
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If she left and I buy out the house it will be a big debt. If she just leaves and we defer the house it might make things easier to move on, there will be less interaction.

I told her that it is her decision to go or not and I will not pressure her, she said she already agreed to take a house close by from 1 May. She said it was confusing because at moment I keep changing what I am planning to do. I asked her what she wants and she said certainty, with all the issues sorted out


Me 44
WAS 41
T 11
S 8
D 5
DB November 2012
EA and PA discovered December 2012
WAS moved out 4 May 2013
Share residence of S and D 50/50
WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.

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Im dealing with that issue myself. I am using the "gift of time" to save and save and save. Im scared that bringing this through courts will screw me financially for years (my W is an ATTY).

In your sitch you prob need to ask her to leave. When is the marathon? Its sounds like she has put ALL her focus in that and that is currently her "escape". Asking her to leave may just be the "speedbump" that forces her to re=evaluate her decisions- ESPECIALLY since you have already locked up your kids.

Looking forward to read what happens next- Be good to you!


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


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I would think long and hard before asking her to leave...


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
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I couldn't live under the same roof if my W refused to drop the OM. That's me though. So I it was me, yes I would ask her to leave. I'd do it calmly and don't raise your voice in anger. I would tell her that she has made the decision to keep movin forward with this and I'm not comfortable with us living under the same roof at this time. But like I said, that's just me


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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She won't give you a fair shot until she breaks with OM and the fog lifts. Continue to work on you and focus on the kids. Show her through your words and actions how great you are. She'll likely won't be receptive to it, but it'll tug at her at those times when the fog temporarily lifts.

I agree that asking her to leave will probably backfire, at least in the short term. It'll send her into the arms of the OM. You risk that she may not come back. That's why that's a last resort technique along with no contact. However, if you have been making genuine changes for a long time with no difference in her attitude towards you and you are at a point where your health is quicklly deterioriting, asking her to leave might be the option. You have to be REALLY ready and willing to let her go though, if you go that route.

My husband took the initiative of moving out and going to live with OW. However, having very limited contact with me is what finally snapped my husband out of his affair and made him recommit to our marriage. This was especially true when my H saw that I was moving on without him. He was comfortable before, knowing that he could fool around with the OW and if it didn't work out he could always come back to me. When he saw that I was moving on, he realized he was going to lose me. He finally made a choice and broke off the affiar for good.

Good luck. If you can invest in a DB coach for phone counseling, do so. I did. It was very helpful.


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
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MWD says in her DR book that if the S refuses to end the A, and you've done all you know to do, to get a lawyer and proceed from there. However, she also says that most A's do not last much longer than six months. It really is up to you as how much and how long you want to continue.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Great advice here. If you are at the end of your rope and she refuses to quit contact with OM, you can and probably should give her the ultimatum to leave, and possibly file for D (you can always cancel that).

That said, I'll tell you how that went with me. Every situation is different, so take this for what its worth (I am divorced and remarried now).

W was in at least an EA for about six months and then I proved it was going on after lots of denials.

I was wanting her to stop the A so we could work on M. I told her to just pause the A for six months and see where things go with us. She wanted no part of it. Said M was over.

So, I told her she needed to leave or stop communicating with OM.

She refused and instead started sleeping in another bedroom.

She finally moved out about a year later - it was the hardest period of all before she actually moved out - having to live in the same house under those conditions was tough but I refused to leave. If she wanted to have a R outside of her M then she needed to go.

Once she moved out I felt a ton of relief. I shortly after filed for D when I met someone else.

Subsequently she figured out that the grass isn't so green and wanted to come back but I had moved on. She still to this day regrets the whole thing I have heard.


So, in my case it took her actually leaving and me moving on with someone else to get her to wake up. By that time I wasn't looking for her to wake up, however. I was done. You may be as well at this point given that she is not turning back, so it might be time to start the process of getting her physically out of the house and possibly filing for D. She may wake up, but do all this based upon what you are ready for, not what she might do.


ME/XW:47
S21, D19, S15, S14
M:21 T:26
W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12
W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
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I did not realize you had this fresh thread going on. Just reposting from your other thread. Keep this thread going.

Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
lol, I think I made the 195kg typo. grin Still, I'm about your height and your age and am at 59kg (130lbs). Not much muscle but also very little fat. I think if you lost the 22lbs you hope to, the 180lb or so weight would be great.

Of course, that doesn't really matter. The point is, your W is using your weight as an excuse.

A WAS is generally a person who decides that they are living in an unhealthy relationship. The complaints they have are mostly valid and they do not see a way out, except to leave.

Someone in a life transition, may question their life and their M and begin to have ideas that there's more to life and they want to seek happiness by leaving the M.

Someone in mid life [b]crises[/i] is... in crises... Everything that is wrong with their life, currently and in the past, is someone else' fault. They are confused, they are not sure what they want, but they don't know what to do about it. They start doing things and hiding it from people, especially the spouse. They feel trapped and they feel empty...

Your W may not be crises, but she's certainly in transition. Yes, she's confused as well. She is seeking help from counsellors, yoga, new age reading...

If she starts re-writing your M history (pointing at only the bad, as though there was no good), blaming you (and others) for the problems in her life, not seeking help except to get validation for how she's making the right decisions... IOW, if she is not looking inward to work things out, she is quite possibly MLC.

We talk about keeping the road home "paved and smooth". If you want to save the M, if you want to spend the rest of your life M to your W, then you will want to work on yourself during this time (consider it an opportunity for your own growth) and make sure there's no road blocks that you place which could prevent her from wanting to come back, if she chose to.

I think it is really good that your W is looking inwards to solve her problems. Are there any other complaints regarding you that she mentioned, that you believe are valid and want to make better in yourself?

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