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Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337362
04/09/13 05:51 PM
04/09/13 05:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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Journal: replying on another thread re: eggshells/co-dependent.

//....and this is exactly how the walking on eggshells started for me. I would think one comment was the right thing or way to answer my h, change my mind, ask/comment a different way. Both were the wrong choices. I could never win. So, then I stopped trusting my insticts, and asked him his advice for every situation that arose. I stopped believing in myself. He felt like I was incapable of anything/decisions on my own. so did I// totally co-dependent.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337370
04/09/13 06:00 PM
04/09/13 06:00 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 733
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Tallula Offline
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Tallula  Offline
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Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
Journal: replying on another thread re: eggshells/co-dependent.

//....and this is exactly how the walking on eggshells started for me. I would think one comment was the right thing or way to answer my h, change my mind, ask/comment a different way. Both were the wrong choices. I could never win. So, then I stopped trusting my insticts, and asked him his advice for every situation that arose. I stopped believing in myself. He felt like I was incapable of anything/decisions on my own. so did I// totally co-dependent.


Short version. Be you, stop caring how H takes it. Think before you speak, as in don't vomit out every thought you have. But, once you stop caring about how they take what you say, you can truly be yourself. He'll probably like that you the best. If not, and it's truly the happy, confident WFM...then you don't want that anyway.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337374
04/09/13 06:07 PM
04/09/13 06:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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another baby step?... h just called and shared a situation that just happened to him. It was extremely funny, and I laughed out loud. First time in ages. I recall, one of my persistant R talks, where I was suggesting that we need to laugh and have some fun. Maybe, this is why I got that shared chuckle? (mindreading)


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337389
04/09/13 06:45 PM
04/09/13 06:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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That is a baby step.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337399
04/09/13 07:09 PM
04/09/13 07:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,146
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
AS... point taken. Where/how do you think I could have done that? (given a fantastic exchange?)


I'm trying to get YOU to figure that out!!! You keep asking us to tell you what to say, but we can't sit on your shoulder while you're having convos so you need to learn the techniques, not the words, so that you can apply the techniques to your words. Surely you can figure this out, but here we go:

H: Did you check list today?

M: alls good Yes, let me give you a quick rundown...

H: Even X & Y or do you care

M: I wasn`t looking for them. Did u see any? Let me check those and get back to you shortly.

H: How would I (H just got a computer, I have been teaching him)

M: cuz I taught u My apologies, I forgot you're not up to speed yet. Let me check that for you.

H: (5 mins later) Done it once....does same apply to you?

M: U ususally remember I forget you've only been through it once, when you get a chance I'll be happy to review the process with you again. I understand it'll take you a while to get up to speed.

M: (11 mins later) Are you mad at me now? <<<There is just no reason for this comment at all in a work environment.

H: (25 mins later) No!

M: I hope not. Because I was complimenting...how I need to be told often, but you typically remember on first lesson. and it doesn`t translate very well in text.


And for crying out loud, I know it's "just" texting, but use proper spelling, capitalization and grammar! It just looks sloppy and lazy when people text lines like "cuz I taught u".

Quote:
I know him...


No you don't, you only think you do!!! Did you not read my posts to you on this very thing, that you are making the EXACT same mistakes I made?? STOP! If you knew him so well you'd be happily married right now!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: AnotherStander] #2337409
04/09/13 07:21 PM
04/09/13 07:21 PM
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Posts: 733
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Tallula Offline
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Ok, WFM, I've thought long and hard about posting this. But AS brought it up, and frankly I think it is part of the problem.

People post things, and I don't think you read them. Or you just gloss over them. Due to this, I feel that you have done that reading DB. You seem to be missing the point that everyone makes. You have GOT to take BUT out of your mind. There are NO buts. My H is lying to me. Sleeping with 2 woman. Canceling seeing our children so he can "see" his lady friends. Have I flipped out on him? Texted angry things? Ran out and told anyone who will listen?

Ok, I've told a few people. But, no. I have not acted in haste or in the moment. I gather the info. I decide, with a clear head, how I will proceed. I ask the DB question, will this bring me closer or farther from my goal. My goal is to get the best, amicable divorce I can. Birth this child and co-parent effectively with my H. So, I don't tell my kids when they will see the father until I see the whites of his eyes. I set my boundaries. I look at me, and how I want to act in this life. Is it easy? No. DBing has been instrumental in the R with my H right now.

So, I challenge you to simply go back through this one thread and really read every post that the people here took the time to type. Each one, ask yourself "did I read this before? Process it? What can I learn from this?"


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: Tallula] #2337415
04/09/13 07:30 PM
04/09/13 07:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline
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Tallula is right. i know i'm beginning to feel as if i'm wasting my time. i told myself that i would no longer post on your thread because it seems you are cherry picking what you want and ignoring the rest.

i don't mean to insult you but have you ever been diagnosed with ADDH?


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: scaredsilly] #2337418
04/09/13 07:35 PM
04/09/13 07:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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whoa... what brought this on? I thought we were all done on my thread for the day?


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337421
04/09/13 07:40 PM
04/09/13 07:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,124
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ThisDayForward Offline
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Sorry but your analyzing how long it takes your H to respond to txts and asking if he is mad at you . Then someone calls u out on it on here and you have answer for it. Like you have answer for everything. All you post about is your H and not much about what your doing to make yourself a better person. You might be the new hamster on the hamster wheel

Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: ThisDayForward] #2337423
04/09/13 07:48 PM
04/09/13 07:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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Posts: 2,561
I was trying to learn from a simple discussion. One that I could easily type out (I see others do it, and wanted opinions) I wanted to see where I had errored or if I managed to get out of a baited arguement (I at least saw it coming). If I am supposed to spin by myself and not ask for help, then why would i bother posting? I must be doing some things right.... my h has been slowly offering baby steps, to which I can now see as that. I am greatful. I am a work in progress. I do not have answers.... I have questions!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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