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Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337275
04/09/13 02:53 PM
04/09/13 02:53 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 733
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Tallula Offline
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Tallula  Offline
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But do you get that you need to just let it go if he is mad, yet? That is the biggest problem. I did THE SAME STUFF!! Once I stopped reacting to it, things changed.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337276
04/09/13 02:55 PM
04/09/13 02:55 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 733
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Tallula Offline
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Tallula  Offline
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Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I am wanting a happier relationship, one where I am not walking on egg shells & he respects me too.


^^^THIS!!!^^^^ It is why you need to start letting go of how he feels. YOU are making YOU walk on egg shells. So what if he is pissed? Not on you. You did nothing to make him mad. You were complimenting. That's on him to get over or not. But, it's your NEED to make him see that you were complimenting him that has you walking on eggshells.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337277
04/09/13 02:56 PM
04/09/13 02:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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adinva Offline
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Texting back after...are you mad
does not fix anything. If he's mad that reinforces it.
If he's not made that is an annoying text and likely will make him mad. It is needy, clingy, shows lack of self confidence. I know you think there's a point to it and that it's useful, but how well has that belief served you so far?

Also, looking to us for a pass/fail on a minor interaction is sometimes ok to make sure you're headed in the right direction...but also sometimes seems excessive, needy, clingy, lacking self-confidence, toward us. Take the information you learned in the DB book, and the ideas that have been suggested, and learn to walk on your own more. It takes practice, but make it a goal....

I think sticking it to him in a serious or a light hearted way is unprofessional and irritating. If he obviously doesn't remember something you taught him, offer to teach him again, without rubbing his nose in it? If he were your boss would sticking it at him be viewed positively? If he were your underling would sticking it at him be viewed positively? If you dig a little for why you felt it was necessary to stick it to him at all, perhaps you'll find - a need to be right....- a defensive attitude....- a snarky, baiting approach to interactions....- something other than professional courtesy and/or loving interaction?


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: Tallula] #2337280
04/09/13 02:57 PM
04/09/13 02:57 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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T... yes, I get that. When he "baited" me, I saw it. First time ever to recognize it. 180. So, its a learning place for me. First, to see the bait, then to learn how not to respond. He didn't get mad until he felt attacked for not knowing how to do something, and smart mouthed back. I feel I should have responded the way Inside suggested. It would have diffused the situation and it wouldn't have gotten to the point of having to clarify myself.

Tx all.. I'm good.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337282
04/09/13 02:58 PM
04/09/13 02:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline
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You're defending again. You're not listening. Asking him if he's mad is a sign of co-dependency, in your situation.

You need to express your feelings and your needs, unless it's fine with you if he's sarcastic with you?

Looking for maneuvers and comebacks is temporary. They don't solve your underlying communication problems and marital dysfunction.

I don't think you're ready to hear what I am saying. Maybe in six more months, or so, of this back-and-forth between the two of you, you might be more receptive.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: scaredsilly] #2337284
04/09/13 03:04 PM
04/09/13 03:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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scaredsilly Offline
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"H: Even X & Y or do you care"

This is where I would have shut it down by expressing my needs:

H, I don't like it when you or anyone else uses sarcasm with me. It hurts my feelings and feels like hostility and abuse to me. I don't want it in my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you even read this?


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: scaredsilly] #2337287
04/09/13 03:06 PM
04/09/13 03:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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SS, Ad, & T... yes, I see that asking if he is mad is a sign of co-dependency and its keeping me walking on eggshells. I did that to myself. I need to not care if he is mad at me or not. I didn't do anything wrong. He misunderstood me, and thats that.

Ad, I was just posting to learn where/how I could have done better in a minor situation. I was not obsessing (as typical me), honestly it was to learn. I want to learn from my mistakes.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337297
04/09/13 03:25 PM
04/09/13 03:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,146
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
not sure I handled this the best way... this is a typical disagreement, that I get involved in.


-sigh- From my previous post to you:

Quote:
99% of yours posts are H-focused. "He did X, Y and Z, how do I respond?" "H did this today, is that a good sign?" "He said this and I said that, did I do the right thing?" The bulk of your posts should be about YOU, what YOU are doing to recover from this, how YOU are GAL'ing, how YOU are becoming a spouse only a fool would leave. I am STILL reading "more of the same" behavior every time you post! You're still coming off as the same needy, desperate, clingy person that is hanging on H's every word and deed!


Personally I think your responses to H come off as flippant. So, it's "more of the same". What do you think would be a 180 on that? I would suggest that you be abundantly professional. Treat your H like you would a respected coworker. If he asks you if you did your job, then tell him in specific terms, not by throwing back "alls good". I've had plenty of people work for me over the years and I derive no comfort from fuzzy feel-good responses like that, and it sounds like your H doesn't either. So try something different.

It sounds like you narrowly averted an argument and you're patting yourself on the back for that. How about instead of narrowly averting an argument, you respond to H in such a way that he says "WOW, that was a fantastic exchange, she really has changed!!!" What can YOU do to make him think that?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: makingmagic] #2337298
04/09/13 03:27 PM
04/09/13 03:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,146
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I didn't do anything wrong. He misunderstood me, and thats that.


Aaaah, but if he misunderstood you then you DID do something wrong. POOR communication leads to misunderstandings. What can YOU do differently next time?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Re: we own a biz - pt 5 [Re: AnotherStander] #2337299
04/09/13 03:30 PM
04/09/13 03:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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makingmagic Offline OP
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makingmagic  Offline OP
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AS... point taken. Where/how do you think I could have done that? (given a fantastic exchange?)

Also, I debated with myself to post that exchange, but I want to learn from it. I am trying to make this about me!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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