No, I don't need a 2x4. I totally get it that married people don't date, and that falling for someone new is not a good staying-solution-focused strategy. I'm just recording where I'm at.
My marriage has been in its death throes for more than five years. I finally managed to "drop the rope" about nine months ago, not so much as a DB strategy but simply because I've lost hope. As Michelle argues, what I stopped doing my husband picked up. The last two times we got together were his initiative, as are our next two planned meetings, one of which, I think, is going to involve his crashing overnight at my house. Those of you who are always looking for reasons to be encouraging might argue that this is a great sign, but I think he just wants to part as friends and hanging out together counts as being friends.
In the past couple of weeks, I have become attracted to a friend and coworker who I'm pretty certain is attracted to me, too. He's funny, smart, considerate, gorgeous hair, ... You know the drill. Of course, I'm not trying to date him. I'm married. Hell, I still harbor hopes of reconciling my marriage and I don't want to be a tease. But lately I catch myself thinking about this new man a lot more often (and with more realistic hopes) than about my husband. I think he may have picked up on the fact that I'm attracted to him, too, which is probably really confusing, 'cause it's not common knowledge at work that my marriage is in disarray.
Not much else to say. Just, once again, finding myself in a place I never would have imagined possible.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
I don't WANT any of this, but it's not really up to me. I find myself more and more wanting to survive it rather than just wishing I didn't have to wake up yet again tomorrow morning.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
"I don't WANT any of this, but it's not really up to me."
Yes it is. Your H wanted out of the M. That's HIS choice. You want to fight for it, that's YOUR choice. He can't make you not want to fight for the M and you can't make him fight for it. YOU have a choice. Just because your H isn't in agreement, doesn't mean that it affects how YOU see things.
If you want to fight for your M, then you're doing it with all the highs and lows that come along with it. Just like if he decided to work on the M, it would have highs and lows also.
Others can obviously see your worth. What you intend to do with it is up to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're right, I have a choice to decide to fight for my marriage or not. I am grateful for that freedom, and I have used it to fight for my marriage in every way I know how since December of 2007. I intend to continue until the divorce is final. But I expect that someday the divorce will be final.
It's not true that my husband's feelings and actions don't affect how I see things. I can choose whether to ACT out of hope, to "act as if," but I FEEL hopeless whether I want to or not. When I said, "it's not really up to me," what I meant is that my husband has said consistently for the past three years that he wants a divorce. If and when he decides to file, the court WILL grant him the divorce regardless of what I want.
So I'll look forward to and enjoy my husband's visit a week from now. I will continue to keep my vows. I will still read all the books and blogs about saving a marriage that have occupied me for the past half a decade, and if I find new strategies that might help me reconcile with my beautiful husband, I will try to live those strategies. I will avoid excessive contact with my attractive colleague, because I owe it to myself to keep my integrity, because I owe it to my husband for reasons I really don't understand, and because I owe it to my colleague not to lead him on. God forbid I should become that selfish affair partner who says, "just stay with me a little longer, I swear I'm going to divorce my spouse any day now."
Of course I don't want to be in limbo. I didn't like it at the beginning and it hasn't gotten any more fun over the years. What's changed is that before, I wanted to postpone the inevitable as long as possible, even if it really was inevitable. Now, if I'm going to get divorced, I would rather get it over with.
If only there were some way to know for sure how it will all play out.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
That's true. It's an ego trip to have an impressive person be impressed with me.
Originally Posted By: GummyBear
Dumb question - you've worked a dbing plan - right when it turns the corner you allow yourself marriage hurting thoughts. Do you want your marriage to be killed - or - are you trying to punish your husband?
It really is a third option. I have no desire to punish my husband - he was as committed to us as I was but neither of us knew how to recover once things fell apart. If I thought my marriage had just turned a corner, I'd be dancing a little jig. It's true that as I dropped the rope my husband picked it up. The end result is we continue to see each other 8 to 12 times a year. That's a comfortable old friendship, but not progress toward reconciliation, living together, recommitting. I think that my husband stopped wanting to be married about three years ago, and I can resist that for another 5 or 10 or 40 years, or I can accept it, welcome the friendship my husband is offering, and find deeper companionship elsewhere, with someone who wants me. I'm not saying the attractive co-worker is going to be that guy. I don't even know if he'll hang around long enough to see my divorce finalized. I just know that hoping for the best is no guarantee, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life hoping.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Trying to remember Michele's quote about how only the couple themselves can know when the marriage is really over. People who responded to me above spoke as if my marriage wasn't over, as if I was giving up just when things were starting to look good, but April/ May was just when I finally knew that my marriage is in fact over. I am remarkably at peace and my relationship with my ex-husband is more friendly and comfortable than it has been in years now that I no longer want anything from him that he doesn't want to give me. I have dated the attractive co-worker described above occasionally over the past five months, and he is a wonderful man, but not as emotionally available as I need to get seriously attached. Turns out this is good for me, because he is now toying with the idea of trying to reconcile his marriage. I'm attached enough to feel incredibly jealous of his ex-wife, but at the same time I'm a little giddy at the thought that they might survive after all. I like the idea of divorce losing the occasional battle with marriage.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
