Hello all. I've been lurking on here for about a week and finally decided to join up and share my story.
My wife and I have been married for 8 years. No children. This past winter she seemed to be going through her typical "winter depression"...but this time with less motivation for her hobbies. I didn't think too much about it as it seemed fairly normal to previous winters. I thought that the upcoming Spring season would bring her back to her usual self.
But on 2/13/13 she showed me a personality book that she recently bought and read. She said that she realized that she didn't really know who she was and that she couldn't "see" us together in the future. My dense head didn't see this as a foreshadow of what was to happen.
On 3/10/13 she told me that she needed time alone and space to think and that she may move out. She said that besides her not knowing herself that she had been unhappy in our M for 6 years, that she felt that I've been ignoring her (conversationally and emotionally), and that she still loved me but didn't have feelings for me anymore. I was in disbelief and told her that I thought that we'd be together forever. She said she assumed that I was as unhappy as her. I went through all the crying, reasoning, and letter writing phase that seems to be the norm. I picked up the 5L Languages book and asked her to read through it. She said that her "love tank" was not only empty but totally destroyed. Nothing I did worked (of course) and on 3/30/13 she moved into an apartment.
I've since found this site and read through DR. I immediately starting DB'ing.
Since she moved out we've talked on the phone a few times (no R talk) and saw each other twice for a short time. All these interactions were initiated by her except for one call that I made to see how her doctor appt went.
Today was our 8th wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago we agreed to have a date night, which we did tonight. We had good friendly conversation and a few laughs. No R talk or future talk although I did buy her roses (something I got out of the habit of doing years ago). She hugged me 3 separate times in the 2 hrs that we were together (something we used to do daily). These are especially nice to get now!
I sooooo bad want to tell her how much I want to save our relationship, how much I miss her, and how much I want to start a new love-filled marriage with her. I know I can't
I'm assuming that I'm in LRT territory??? Should I be employing the "going dark" technique? I'm really afraid that she'll see it as the same old cold stuff.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
I think I stumbled upon something bad. I was going through my wife and my phone bill and I noticed a recurring phone number. This person has called my wife several times (even several times a day)and they talked for up to 2 hrs. Including midnight calls. I'm devastated at what seems to be obvious. This is killing me inside. I desperately want to know the truth. A few weeks ago my wife said that there was no one else.
Do you suggest that I ask my wife about the number? In order for me to stay sane I have to know the truth. If it is true then I'll tell her that I'll just have to wait for her to decide who she wants in her life.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
So I "gently" asked her about the number during a phone call with her. She admitted that it was a guy that she works with but said that "it was nothing". Well, IMO, receiving a call from another man at 4am is definitely something. She said that she just needed to talk with someone.
I told her that I trusted her and I didn't think she would do anything like that. I don't think that I really meant it though. Deep down I think that I wanted her to feel guilty. The image of her with another man is seriously tormenting me!! I don't know how to continue with this. Do I just act like nothings happening when I talk to or see her?? I need advice on this.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
Since she moved out we've talked on the phone a few times (no R talk) and saw each other twice for a short time. All these interactions were initiated by her except for one call that I made to see how her doctor appt went.
Good, you're doing fine!
Quote:
We had good friendly conversation and a few laughs. No R talk or future talk although I did buy her roses (something I got out of the habit of doing years ago). She hugged me 3 separate times in the 2 hrs that we were together (something we used to do daily). These are especially nice to get now!
That's great, just don't have any expectations that the hugs mean anything. Just celebrate them internally as baby steps and keep on with your DB'ing.
Quote:
I'm assuming that I'm in LRT territory??? Should I be employing the "going dark" technique? I'm really afraid that she'll see it as the same old cold stuff.
Michele warns in DR that if you were cold and distant in the M, then going dark will just be "more of the same" behavior. So no, you shouldn't do that.
Quote:
I think I stumbled upon something bad. I was going through my wife and my phone bill and I noticed a recurring phone number. This person has called my wife several times (even several times a day)and they talked for up to 2 hrs. Including midnight calls. I'm devastated at what seems to be obvious.
My W did this too, but it wasn't an OM, it was an enabler friend of hers that was going through a D. WAS's often pick up an enabler or two to help them "decide" what to do.
Quote:
Do you suggest that I ask my wife about the number?
No. It's pressure, and can also appear as controlling and manipulative.
Quote:
In order for me to stay sane I have to know the truth.
I didn't like not knowing, so I just assumed that my W was in an A. To this day I don't know if she was or not, but by assuming she was it allowed me to more fully detach and focus on me.
Well I couldn't stand not asking about the phone #. She admitted that it was just that of a male coworker who was a good friend and who also had a lot of problems and needed to talk. The times of day/night and number of conversations between them would probably make anyone think that this is more than just a "friend". She denied a relationship with him. I told her that I believed her but deep down I do not. I've realized that if I don't believe her then any further thinking about it will only have one outcome for me...I will "prove" in my head that she is in a relationship. This will just hurt me more so I'm trying to let it go.
A few days later I initiated R talk. I NEEDED to know her intentions for our marriage. She said that she was "pretty much done". I asked if she had filed yet and she said "no" but she would if I wanted her to. I feel better knowing her intentions even though it may only be her emotions or confusion talking. In my mind if I'm expecting the worst then things can only go up from there.
She also talked about our very different aspirations in life. I'm the type of person that wants to settle down, have a family and enjoy the "traditional" married life. She wants to be free, travel, and not have things to tie her down. I've long accepted that she didn't want to have a family and she knew that.
We also discussed our ongoing communication problem. Neither of us liked to talked about our feelings very much. We agreed that it hurt us very much.
Almost everything of hers is gone from our house. She plans to come next week to get her final things.
I think that I've been a little too nice around her lately...I keep offering to help her with moving her things, I've told her to call if she needs anything, and it seems as if I'm supporting her as a WAW. I'm afraid that I making it too easy for her to have me as her "escape" in case she wants to come back home. Should I stop this enabling?
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
I think I stumbled upon something bad. I was going through my wife and my phone bill and I noticed a recurring phone number. This person has called my wife several times (even several times a day)and they talked for up to 2 hrs. Including midnight calls. I'm devastated at what seems to be obvious.
My W did this too, but it wasn't an OM, it was an enabler friend of hers that was going through a D. WAS's often pick up an enabler or two to help them "decide" what to do.
An EA is an interesting animal. Where a PA, the description obviously points to an actual, physically intimate situation, an EA almost seems benign. Yet, an EA is really an emotionally intimate relationship, which excludes the LBS. As such, it is my opinion that an EA can occur with anyone, regardless of sexual orientation.
That said, to point back to your first post JRG, where you indicate that your W said her love tank was destroyed, that is script. Because she certainly CAN love others, just does not want to (admit to) love(ng) you. That both svcks and hurts. Most LBS here know that feeling.
So having said that, what you really want to do is detach yourself as much as possible. Detaching is very specifically removing your emotional attachment (and expectations) from what your W says and does.
If she is having a PA what happens to you? Do you want to continue? Some just cant get past it and know they will never forgive.
Here is what you can do. Take this time and invest in you- find you- do what YOU want to do- Live YOUR life
You need to give her space and maybe shell decide she likes the steps you are taking and want to come back- If you force her or guilt her it will make things worse
read the rules daily and invest in you!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Had family visit this weekend. I was looking forward to it and it was nice to have them here. Unfortunately this morning my emotions hit cause I knew that they would have to travel back home. My house again feels empty.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
There are a few things you might do to get rid of that "empty house" feeling.
Ultimately, you may want to create your "bat cave" in a room. A place that is comfortable and has all you ever want to keep you entertained and engaged.
You need to feel comfortable in your home, even if you are alone. That might help.
Also, get out. If you are feeling lonely, go do something with friends if possible, or at least go somewhere that there are people. Even if it is taking a book with you and sitting at a local coffee shop for an hour, reading.
