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You need to detach...H is choosing to not be around family and friends. This is his choice not yours, you can not control him, I tell my H that I understand why he is making that choice, it is his choice.

Try to look at why you feel like you should say something to H about him not being around friends and family, would it bring him closer or further away to do so, is it filling your need? Most likely it is.


ME:33 H:34
S: 18 months

BD/H left 2/10/2013
14 years together
9 married

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Kaffe...good thread I have never read it thanks for sharing...so crazy and amazing and sad at the same time...wow what gets me is that WAS's have no idea that they do follow such as script...


ME:33 H:34
S: 18 months

BD/H left 2/10/2013
14 years together
9 married

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There is also a book called "THE SCRIPT" and it pretty much details exactly what goes on here every day!


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Will they ever see it themselves? WIll they ever "break"? If their script is so typical....what is the typical duration of such a crisis? He really is alien to me.....with glimpses of familiar. I know that he is consumed with guilt and shame....which is why his world is so small.....why won't he just DEAL WITH IT???? How long can he possibly RUN AWAY FROM IT??? UGH!!!!


Ezekiel37
Me 33
H 34
M 13 years
S9 S11
Bomb 1/7/13
Moved out 3/7/13
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WOW!
Same state and same bomb drop date.....It was a bad monday night frown

I was thinking about writing this in "Best advice" thread-Here it is - your going to need it.

The things that will be suggested here- the good stuff- will be counter intuitive to what your heart and gut tell you to do. Your heart and soul will send your head "signals" (mine still does) when the signals are sent re-read Sandi2 rules. Dont act on impulse

Be good to you and your boys


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


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I'm so scared to detach....I have to, I know I have to. I just get consumed with fear....right now, he's still paying the mortgage, helping with household chores, the kids,etc. I don't have any family around, and really do need help with stuff. I almost think he is waiting for me to reach my breaking point....I just want him to own this decision to D. I don't want to! I want my husband back! The one I've been with half my life, we grew up together,were the best of friends, never awkward or uncomfortable. What the heck happened to him? No answers at all. Maybe April vacation will be the opportunity for me to break away or a while and get some distance.....and maybe with me gone he will run straight to the ow. The kids and I can't stay in his orbit just to keep him out of hers. That's a pretty pathetic existance.... I don't want to be pathetic. I want to be me?


Ezekiel37
Me 33
H 34
M 13 years
S9 S11
Bomb 1/7/13
Moved out 3/7/13
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I'm leaving tonight for the night, leaving him with our boys for the first time since this all blew up! Prayers needed!! It was my idea, I need to be out of this house when he is here. He needs to be with the boys....I hope they are ok. They are a little strange with him....who wouldn't be? Step 1 detachment a night with my mom and sil, and niece, pedicures, scissors and hair dye! smile. Oh yeah!


Ezekiel37
Me 33
H 34
M 13 years
S9 S11
Bomb 1/7/13
Moved out 3/7/13
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hey kiel, you ask about duration... there is no... typical duration, in any of this. Still, if you want an idea, using a broad enough data set over the time that people have been looking close at this kind of stuff, you may look at 1 to 3 years if WAS and perhaps 3 to 7 years if MLC. Yet, that is not fair to use that info as some M's never have the WAS reconsider (obviously) and someone in MLC may never "return".

On detachment, I don't have the doc or link handy, hopefully someone else can post it on your thread. You might be misunderstanding detachment. Detachment does not mean remove yourself from the M and move on. In this context, it is more about removing your emotional attachment from the words or acts of your H and possible outcomes of the sitch. We sometimes call it "getting off the emotional roller coaster". We can still stand for our M, even if we are detached.

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Well, the night away went well. He really did a great job being " present" with the boys. The boys said he spoiled them, let them buy whatever they wanted at the grocery store,took them for ice cream, etc. At 11 and 9 they see it for what it is. I'm just happy they enjoyed each other. And.....I'm now a red head! smile. Yup, I spent my night away cutting and coloring my hair with my mom and sil. It was fun. He texted me a few times in the evening, the boys called me before they went to sleep. I went to church the next am, and heard a message preached about the effects of sin on someone's spirit. It was like hearing an explanation of H's behavior and thought process....and it's not on me to fix. Then a kind woman, leaned over and whispered "someday, he will realize how much you loved him through this time, more than when you married him, more than your best days together, you love him enough to stand alone getting nothing in return". The rest of the day was spent at basketball tournament games, and he drove us all together, and brought us home. He even answered the home phone when a friend of mine called. It took him forever to finally leave...the boys and I are on vacation and he typically likes to leave after they are in bed. This time I had told them they could stay up to watch a 9:00 show. It was amusing watching him squirm! He kept asking me if I was mad! I said not at all! I stayed sitting in the kitchen, he must have said "we'll, alright, I'm going to head to bed" five times before he finally left. He kissed me multiple times, hugged me, none of which did I initiate or try to make more of. My question is, should I refuse them?


Ezekiel37
Me 33
H 34
M 13 years
S9 S11
Bomb 1/7/13
Moved out 3/7/13
Joined: Mar 2011
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Ummm... how red? grin

Sounds like the messages you received at church were fantastic. It can be amazing, sometimes.

Sounds like things are going well enough.

As far as actually refusing good times, hugs, pleasant company... why would you? Why deny yourself that pleasure.

Enjoy the good times and forgive and detach from the negative ones. Remember that the good times are part of his history with you, as well.

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