So, here's my story. Shortly Before Christmas this year, I started hearing rumors that my H of 14 years was having an affair with OW @ work. Denied it, swore on kids lives, then began to say he was "struggling with having feelings of overwhelming love for me". "Maybe we should just focus on being good parents" "doesn't know if he wants to work on us". Funny thing is, I would always get this information via email, while he was @ work! Then on 01/07/13 I found the text messages he thought he had deleted from his Blackberry confirming my suspicions. There were ILY's between the 2 of them, and Happy New Year wishes, and apparently he told her he was leaving me on New Years Eve when they were working together. He said divorce wasn't inevitable, but that he wasn't happy. Denies having physical affiair, says he loves her as a friend. Ugh! Basically no answers, no apologies, no accountability. And suddenly he rewrites history, as in he's never been happy, he's not Christian enough for me, we re a dysfunctional family, the kids will be better off. I wish you could meet our kids, definately not products of disfunction! He leaves the home that night, gone for 2 weeks. Comes home,shares bed for 2 weeks, gets up one morning says he's going to meet with his father who he's been estranged from for over 3 years, doesn't come home rest of week. Comes home next week, to say to me that he is going to be moving into one of his fathers rental homes, wants a divorce, but no lawyers, wants to be " best friends" , do it together. Leaves march 8th to live in fully furnished, fully free, house. Precedes to come home for dinner, tucks boys in every night he's no working, never talks to them about living in other house, spends weekends back at house (on couch). No talk of divorce, or papers filed or anything as of April 5 th. when he leaves the house, texts me compliments, makes my lunch for work, has brought me coffee a few times in the mornings before work, he asked me to be his assisstant coach for youth bball, and will sometimes hug me, kiss me, but cannot and will not recieve loving gestures from me. Guilt maybe? The inlaw situation compliments things as they are thrilled that he has left me, and definately are not supporting reconciliation. So here I am in limbo...not wanting to make any moves, much less the wrong one! Still no answers, no apologies, no real conversations at all! How long can limbo last? How do I play this? Do I have a chance at busting this divorce?? Any wisdoms?
Ezekiel37 Me 33 H 34 M 13 years S9 S11 Bomb 1/7/13 Moved out 3/7/13
Have you gotten the books yet, DB or DR, read them...also review Sandi's list...stick with them and do them...I have failed a bunch of times and looked back and saw how many things I have actually done! Instead of not doing them.
You need to try to be the woman a foul would leave, just to get to the point of the R talks...and when he brings them up you let him talk and you don't bring them up...
You found the group and a lot of good support here!
Keep posting to yours and others and you will be off moderation soon
I've got to get the books! It's so hard trying to figure out how to GAL when I already had such a wonderful one all figured out or so I thought! Such a fun And busy time in kids lives with sports and activity, we had such a great group of family friends that are now so angry and dissappointed in him its kind of hard to be with them and be honest about my hopes for R. It really is a lonely place to be, that's why I'm grateful to be able to vent here!
Ezekiel37 Me 33 H 34 M 13 years S9 S11 Bomb 1/7/13 Moved out 3/7/13
He's here at night snuggled up with the Boys watching bball, how in the world do I detach from that! This was our life. Sports, the boys, hunkering down for the night....what the heck is he doing/thinking? Does he want this life or not? I feel fortunate that he's not asking to take the kids away, or for me to leave, but that's the problem too, he's not asking or saying anything!!
Ezekiel37 Me 33 H 34 M 13 years S9 S11 Bomb 1/7/13 Moved out 3/7/13
He's here at night snuggled up with the Boys watching bball, how in the world do I detach from that!
What does "detachment" mean to you? It's not being cold and indifferent, it's being in control of yourself. It's not reacting to every little thing your H does or says. It's pulling back and giving him space.
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what the heck is he doing/thinking?
He's confused and trying to figure out what he really wants. That's why you have to remove all pressure from him. Pressure will push him away. Remove pressure and he will sort it through on his own.
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Does he want this life or not?
He doesn't know. That's why he keeps coming back and testing it, he's trying to figure that out. It's going to take him months to sort it out.
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I feel fortunate that he's not asking to take the kids away, or for me to leave, but that's the problem too, he's not asking or saying anything!!
Good, that's actually a good place to be. Just be satisfied with that. DO NOT pressure him with R or M talks. Just leave him be. Get DR and read it ASAP. Read Sandi's 180 tips as well (sticky at top of forum).
So, my H doesn't want to be around or interact with my parents at all! Won't even speak to them when they show up at kids functions, games etc. My parents have tried to speak hellos, they have emailed and texted him, asking him if they can be cordial for the kids sake, and he won't respond. H will come around to see the kids and I as long as my parents aren't around. I don't want to push the issue, but it's really ridiculous he is behaving! Really immature!! It's like the kids can either see him and him alone, his world is shrinking and to around him our world shrinks too. He won't interact with parents of kids friends, our mutual friends he's avoided, won't go to school functions if he can help it, his avoidance is pretty global. How long can it last like this? And should I ever address it, or just bite my tongue and vent here?
So, my H doesn't want to be around or interact with my parents at all! Won't even speak to them when they show up at kids functions, games etc. My parents have tried to speak hellos, they have emailed and texted him, asking him if they can be cordial for the kids sake, and he won't respond. H will come around to see the kids and I as long as my parents aren't around. I don't want to push the issue, but it's really ridiculous he is behaving! Really immature!! It's like the kids can either see him and him alone, his world is shrinking and to around him our world shrinks too. He won't interact with parents of kids friends, our mutual friends he's avoided, won't go to school functions if he can help it, his avoidance is pretty global. How long can it last like this? And should I ever address it, or just bite my tongue and vent here?
Ezekiel37 Me 33 H 34 M 13 years S9 S11 Bomb 1/7/13 Moved out 3/7/13
I feel fortunate that he's not asking to take the kids away, or for me to leave, but that's the problem too, he's not asking or saying anything!!
The above, along with the "be friends" comment, is fairly scripted. If you don't know what "scripted" means, you will come to find that many of us have heard or been subjected to similar things that you have been going through, and may yet go through.
Generally speaking, we tend not to classify between WAS and MLC, because with DB, it is about working on ourselves, saving ourselves, which may help save the M.
While you may get re-writing of history, like some of us, you are getting little or no feedback which would help us understand what went wrong (in their minds) so that you migh work on the things that they felt were an issue. These things may not be valid, but at least it is feedback and something to consider. In cases where you feel they are not valid, which at least can be validated as something they (the WAS) feels, rather than defending it.
While you are still getting your feet under yourself, you might find some value out of a piece that was written in humour, but very clearly points out many of the "scripts" that can come up in these sitchs, by reading the following thread:
