Anything left to salvage? - or where from here?

[labug]

This is a great post and I love that you are willing to work on this and not allow your diagnosis to limit you! Bravo! On my thread I've been working through some stuff around my S and his diagnosis. You give me hope.

[mrtwopointfour]

I am socially isolated, live my life with little concern for anything except whether I am an adequate husband and father (much of that being focused on whether I am making enough money), and I am anxious that I am inadequate most of the time.

I read this and related to it straight away. I was permanently stressed at kids, and at other drivers on the road etc, but as soon as my W announced she was not in love with me any more, and she wanted D it all went. Not sure why it made a difference, its almost like the pressure was released (although yes, I have a whole new set of problems to deal with now! )

Sounds like you are ready to role up your sleeves and get stuck in - good luck!

[Psych77]

Labug and 2.4,

Thanks for responding to me. Having someone to type back and forth to makes me feel a little less isolated.

I'm glad to hear that my posting encourages you with your son. He is the one with OCD, right (hope I didn't get you confused with someone else)? That stinks, and has a lot in common with Asperger's. Hopefully he will find things that are important enough to him to really dig in and do the work to confront his anxiety - sounds like he has not always been facing up to everything. Not that I'm a great expert on doing that...I have my own parts of myself that I ignore and put off. And I'm 46!

Mrtwopointfour -

Thanks for the support and empathy. I guess that the more I let my M go (W doesn't want to be anywhere near me now, and the only way for me to survive has been to convince myself that my life needs to go on as if it is over - although in my heart the door is still open), the more I feel relieved myself. In fact, once recently W attributed some nasty motivations to my actions, and I just let it go - it felt very liberating, as though her rejection (utter and total) meant I didn't have to go on trying to get her to love me. I just needed to be me, and if she loves me again (eventually), great...if she doesn't...well, she already doesn't, so there's really little left to lose, there.

I'm glad it [b]sounds[\b] like I am ready to do the work. I've failed myself a number of times, so the proof is in whether I really follow through - that takes a lot more courage than stating my goals.

Still, I'll say this, at least: I have never given up - each time I have failed myself, I have gotten back up and tried again. I guess that's just how you live life, right?

Hope to hear from you guys again.

[Psych77]

Hope is gone.

This morning I said good morning to W, and she got angry at me, stating that there was nothing between us anymore, telling me that the entire alienation between us was my fault, that it was permanent and unrecoverable, and that my greeting her amounted to being "phony." She threw a few choice words at me of the unsavory variety, and told me never to greet her again - only to address her if I had to ask a question or inform her of something. She told me basically that I didn't want the M when we had it (not true, but she is convinced of it), and that pretending to be civil now was a poor substitute, and she does not want us to try to be civil.

As far as she is concerned, everything I have done wrong since we got married was vindictive and intentional. Far from trying to reconcile, she is angry at any attempt to communicate, or even be pleasant to each other.

I cannot help but believe this means it is irreversibly over.

I struggled with suicidal thoughts this morning and early afternoon. Thank God for my children - I wouldn't hurt myself for their sake. But I can't help thinking...am I really completely bad? Is it true that I was always selfish, and never really loved her at all - or anyone else? She can counter every argument I make to say that I was good at least some of the time...is she right? I am caught between being angry at W and hating myself.

I am sorry. I know this is not exactly the forum for me to vent my insecurities and fears about myself. But I needed to reach out to someone who might answer me, and you guys are the only ones I know to reach out to. I am scared, and alone, and I don't know what to think. I have no other friends.

[Rick1963]

Hi Psych was thinking of u a while back. If I recall you guys were expecting. How did it go?

The suicidal thoughts come from hopelessness and helplessness. Your W is likely to pick up on that and get angrier with you. And to think that u are completely bad is an ireational way of thinking. No one can be all bad or all good. You are like most of us somewhere in the middle.

Keep posting

[~ kd ~]

Psych, please call a crisis line if you have suicidal thoughts. Even though we support you here, a crisis line can help you immediately work through the anxiety.

[adinva]

You ask if she is right and she is not. She is doing what all WAS's do and that is spew venom to justify what they are doing. There is a grain of truth probably, but she is exaggerating certainly. What are you doing for yourself right now? You need to work out the stress you're under.

[Papa4Life]

Hi Psych, hope you're doing better today. I really relate quite strongly to your situation, as well as to Mr. 2.4's, so I know how hard and stressful it can be.

When you're living life on a roller coaster, it can be pretty difficult to keep you equilibrium. Are you working on detaching? Are you focusing on your 180s and GAL and PMA? As they say, "fake it till you make it" and become the person you choose to be so that your W will have someone she would be a fool to leave.

Can I ask if you're getting any exercise? I do a bit of running, and that feels great, especially after a tough day. You might want to consider it because exercise definitely improves your mood -- plus once you get in shape it gives the W a bit of eye candy

Keep us posted on things.

[AnotherStander]

Hope is gone.

There's always hope! I'm amazed at some of the seemingly impossible situations that marriages have bounced back from. Lots of stories on these forums and in RetroV too.

This morning I said good morning to W, and she got angry at me, stating that there was nothing between us anymore, telling me that the entire alienation between us was my fault, that it was permanent and unrecoverable, and that my greeting her amounted to being "phony."

Good grief, all that from just saying "good morning"? This sounds a lot like the "going monster" stuff I've read about in MLC sitches.

She threw a few choice words at me of the unsavory variety, and told me never to greet her again - only to address her if I had to ask a question or inform her of something.

I would grant her wish on this. Just detach and give her LOTS of space and time! Just leave her to her thoughts.

and that pretending to be civil now was a poor substitute, and she does not want us to try to be civil.

That is so completely absurd it's almost laughable. Of course one should ALWAYS strive to be civil, even to their worst enemy!

I struggled with suicidal thoughts this morning and early afternoon.

It will pass, but if you really get overwhelmed then get to a doctor ASAP. I ended up getting on anti-depressants after going through a truly low, low period in which suicide seemed like a brilliant choice. I'm off the A/D's now, but I credit them for getting me through the worst of it.

But I can't help thinking...am I really completely bad? Is it true that I was always selfish, and never really loved her at all - or anyone else?

Of course it's not true, she's rewritten your entire marital history. It's what WAS's do. That's why we push people to detach and GAL, because it'll rebuild your self-esteem and help you to remember that you are NOT the version of you that she gripes about, there's a lot more to you than that.

I am scared, and alone, and I don't know what to think. I have no other friends.

Oh boy do I ever remember that. It's a nasty place to be. I had no idea how codependent on my W I was until BD came. Then I felt alone, empty, worthless, unattractive, etc. FORCE yourself to GAL. I didn't want to, I instead wanted to curl up into a ball and sit in the corner weeping and rocking. But I dragged my sorry butt out of the house and did stuff. I HATED it at first! I didn't want to see happy people and sunshine! But the more I did the more I wanted to do, until one day I realized I was going to be fine whether I reconcile or not. You'll get there too! Just get out there and GAL, and keep at it

[MrBond]

How are you doing today?