Been here 5 years and a new tough situation

[whitneypinch]

5 years post bomb.
I have 2 kids (8 & 10).
I do EVERYTHING with my kids and LOVE being a dad. We travel all over and do so many great experiences together. I am extremely close with my kids. They give me the greatest joy and meaning in my life.

XW and I get along really well.
She has always been very clear with me she has no interest in us.
In her words; "I can't give you the love you would like".
I have not dated anyone in the 5 years.

Last week she announced to the kids and I that she is in a serious relationship.
The kids and I had no idea.
My kids were devastated. I was numb.
They voiced their concerns for how their dad would take it and my XW did not like that.
She wrote me a firm letter explaining the kids should never have to carry around further pain because of their dad being upset (hurt). She was right.
Instead of reacting in a defensive way, to the letter (as I usually do), I completely agreed with her and said I would make sure I showed the kids strength and a positive attitude.
To my shock, my XW wrote the nicest letter back to me. Saying she was sorry for any pain she has caused the kids and to me. She went on to say what a wonderful father I am, what great parents we are etc.
Then she signed it with ((((hugs))))

A few days later I picked the kids up at her house. She was positive and asked me for a hug. She held on tight and didn't want to let go.
Then when I went to leave with the kids she gave me another hug and put her head into my neck and kissed my neck.

She has never done ANYTHING I mentioned above in 5 years since the bomb !

As I walked down the drive with my kids I held back the tears to show a positive, strong front to the kids.

It's had for us as humans to not try to read hope into such actions.
More than likely it's guilt she is feeling for the pain she is causing to her kids and I.

I write this so that some of you know that even when you have a good situation with your X its still extremely painful.

I guess I should start trying to untangle our situation a bit. We have done things together with the kids and are in constant contact. It's just TOO painful for me knowing she is now with someone in a serious relationship.

Just feeling awful right now.
Thank god the kids are with me for a fun filled weekend right now.

Yes, I know this posting is focussed on what my XW is doing. I have lots on the go but this past week it has been focussed on XW due to the major news dropped on us.

[kml]

So - you divorce was final in 09, yet you haven't dated? At all?

It sounds to me like you stayed stuck waiting around for your ex.

What you need to do is be modeling a healthy guy who is moving forward with his life. The kids shouldn't even remotely be thinking about you getting your feelings hurt at this late date - that tells me they are quite aware that dad has been holding on.

[whitneypinch]

Ya, no interest in dating at all.

Yes, I am sure my kids are aware that I have been holding on.

[uRworthy]

Whitney, I am sorry you are feeling badly. It's tough.

I think, though, that you must have realized at some point that your xw most likely would meet someone, no? Especially since she made it very clear that she was not interested in the two of you.

I understand you still love her and that you have young children whose lives you are very much involved in. I am assuming that is why you have not dated.

I know you were hoping this day never came. Now it has and it feels like the bomb all over again. I think in large part because you have not moved forward and detached completely.

I think she reacted as she did for a few reasons. First, you did something different. Sometimes, when the MLCer is going to take a big step like she is, they often take a step back for a moment to make sure they arent making a mistake.

As far as the kids, own your part, not hers too. She left and that in turn hurt the kids.

But she is right in that you do not want your kids to worry about you. Not their job at all.

You have been given the gift of an opportunity to show your children how to navigate through life's turmoils. And you want to show them how to do it with dignity, courage and strength.

You want them to see that you are ok. Clearly, they worry about you.

My son was 16 when all this happened. And I made sure that he knew I was ok and that he never had to worry about me or not live his life.

It is great to have a good working relationship with your xw regarding the kids. But, it really is time for you to move forward with your life.

Hang in there.

[whitneypinch]

Hi urworthy,

Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Its just nice to know someone is out there, that has been or is going through this.
Obviously, I am feeling a bit alone at this very moment.

I guess I had this notion that if anyone who could change their mind it would have been my XW.
Hope is a both wonderful and tough emotion.

As we all know, we just can't seem to get away from all this. I see my XW every week. Some days she is her old self and kind and some days very cold.
I have been fortunate that I don't get negativity and anger thrown at me from my X like so many others do.

Yes, I am changing things around here to make sure my kids don't worry about me.

[AntoniaB]

WP this is a tough situation and my heart goes out to you for the way it must have felt coming to that realization that you were holding onto the hope that much still. I think what has complicated all of it for you is that you have gotten along with her regarding the children from what you say, and so that probably has led you to continually think in the back of your mind that she might just come around. After all, if she could negotiate this relationship with you over the kids, why not more, eventually?

I agree with the other posters that her reaction and affection is just something that comes out of your handling things ok, but it's not a sign of hope that she is moving towards you (I think you realize that anyway but it must be hard to be on the receiving end of that embrace--I remember distinctly a hug my XH gave me when we finally "got along" and even though it seemed like a normal hug I kind of knew that there was more emotion behind my end of the embrace than his, which is kind of a sick feeling).

I think what you need to do is look on this as an opportunity to fix something/heal something in yourself that has gone unhealed so far. Like the others say, you're not detached, and you were really holding on. Your lack of interest in dating or I guess even meeting someone who might potentially be someone you'd date is evidence of that. And you have to ask yourself how long are you going to "wait."

By no means am I saying go start dating tomorrow. And I'm very certain that a person can be very happy as a single person and not really have much interest in dating or a relationship unless it's the right one. I went through a period of dating and finally came to the conclusion that I know what I want now more than ever, and I'm not willing to settle for anything less, and that I'm just going to enjoy my life and if the right person crosses my path, I'll seize the opportunity, but otherwise I'm just chilling out being single :-) But I suspect that you can't say that--the "right" person to you is probably HER and only her at this point.

I could be very wrong about what I'm about to say but it's worth a shot--and this comes from my own experience and from watching some other people's experiences on this board, and it's that I wonder about your self-esteem and your feelings of self-worth, specifically in regards to your "relationship self-worth." (meaning you may have amazing self-esteem in other areas of your life, but do you in terms of relationships?)

What I mean is that she sounds still so far out in MLC land, esp. with the new relationship, that essentially by holding onto hope that you reconcile with her you're showing that you would accept a relationship with someone who is not healthy emotionally just because it's her, just because it's familiar. It's like saying "I'm not worth a relationship with a stable person."

Granted, if down the road she does a 180 and really, truly comes out of this MLC, and she becomes a loving, stable person, she might be a good partner again. But she's not right now, and new guy is getting something pretty damaged.

You don't want damaged. I mean, YOU DO, because it's what you know, and it's your comfort zone. Better the devil you know, right? But in all honesty you have to look at yourself and say "I'm worth more than that. I don't want damaged. I want better for myself."

I am not dating anyone right now, but I did meet someone recently who is such a ray of sunshine and so stable that regardless of whether I ever get into a relationship with him, he taught me that there are people out there who are not a mess. It has taken me several years now to understand that I am worth more than waiting around for a person who is still a mess to "choose" me again.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to work on your self-worth, to realize that you detaching more from her will only make you stronger. It's painful but necessary, and given what you've dealt with to this point, you're capable of further growth.

[whitneypinch]

Hi AntoniaB.

Ohhhhhhhh, thank you !!!!!

That is exactly the reply that I wanted to hear.
You are 100% right in EVERYTHING you just said.
In someways I just wanted to express my hurt and know that someone out there heard me and cared. I don't want this to sound pathetic. It's just that when you are a single parent dealing with pain you need to turn to others. Friends and family just don't get it like people on this board do.

If I was to truly look at the situation; my XW is not the ideal thing for me. I don't say this to put my XW down or to prop me up. I simply note this is response to your insightful views AntoniaB. You are right.
Obviously this has taken a toll on my self-worth etc.
I have to work on that in a big way !!

As you have mentioned...I am not interested in dating anyone unless its the right one. I live an extremely interesting and diverse life. Sometimes I don't mind it. It's just sometimes I feel lonely, like we all do. I do love sharing all the wonderful experiences I do, with someone else. That is why I get such meaningful fulfilment sharing with my kids.

I am adopted and I never felt the kind of love I have with my kids. That is the most wonderful feeling and meaning I have ever had in my life.
It extremely hard to not be able to share that with my XW to the level I want.

A lot of the hurt I am felling is "why am I and our family not worth it". That is my problem to work out and heal. I think it's the deep feeling of abandonment this breakup has brought out.

My 8 year old son came to me the day after my XW announced to him she is in a serious relationship. He was crying.
I was being strong, positive and supportive to him. I tried to explain that we all want to be happy. That this situation with the new guy makes mommy happy. My son then said to me "dad, how come we are not enough for mommy" Whoaaa, can you imagine how hard it was to hear that. I really did not have an answer for that, and just tried to comfort him.

AntoniaB I am truly appreciative for your post. I know I will be re-reading it many times and taking every point to heart.
I have to say that you nailed it 100%.

Today is a big day for my kids so I have to be positive and strong for them. Their grandparents put on a big Easter Hunt for them.
I know my XW will probably send me an email at the end of the day or tomorrow asking how it went. She too knows how excited my kids are for today.

Happy Easter to everyone.

[AntoniaB]

WP I am soooooo glad I could help!! I know what you mean about how the only people who get it are people here. I think especially when we are still hurting years down the road, you just get this look from people like "can't you just get over it" if you have a bad day or even a few bad hours, and only people here understand that.

This is off topic but I have to thank you as well for something you did for me without knowing it. The person I met last week, the very normal ray of sunshine guy who is kind of the person I dreamed of having a relationship with from the time I was in college (and the type I thought I was getting with my XH but did not), has 2 children, 5 and 8 years old. Our initial meeting was like love at first sight, just instant unbelievable chemistry on all fronts. I've never experienced anything like it. Since then he's been pretty much MIA other than an email about how much he's trying to play catch up with work and his kids since he got back from our conference. I was really starting to think I dreamed up the whole connection and then one of my friends said "do not underestimate the connection he has with his children. You can't push him or he will run because no man close to his kids wants someone to start competing for attention."

Then I read your post above about Easter and your kids and such, and you know, I get it. Being someone who never had kids, holidays sometimes just fly by with me. But just reading the way you talk about Easter and how important this is to your kids, I bet you this guy's head is there right now, as it should be.

My XH put me on a pedestal above all else. Not just because we didn't have kids, but because he didn't have any other interests but me. He gave me quite the diva complex, until he decided I wasn't his diva anymore and left me for another one. I had nothing left and had to rebuild my shattered self-esteem. This man I just met clearly won't put a woman on a pedestal, which is what I LIKE about him. He has a lot of other things going on, which is healthy.

It sounds like you're healthy in that sense too. I think the last piece of the puzzle for you is the detachment from her, and I think in a few days this incident will feel very much "over" and you'll bounce back.

One of the things this guy I met said to me that reminds me of you is he said his XW was a very cynical, negative person who just brought him down a lot. She resented his successes and wanted him to hate his job. He said he'd get home from work only to hear her constantly vent, and he'd be happy and feel he had to hide his happiness. Eventually it erupted and he said they ended the marriage because "no kids should have to watch that go on every day, what kind of role model for marriage is that?" (I don't know if there were other factors in his break up.) In fact he and I commented we must have been married to the same person because our exes had such similar traits.

See you sound so positive about your life in general, that I think you have to hold on to that and say that you are worth more than someone who is so messed up, and SO ARE YOUR KIDS. In a perfect world these people would get their acts together, but it's not a perfect world, and maybe they can't.

Anyway I'm rambling but your post today really struck a chord with me because it's only over the last week or so that I've really come to the place where I actually made the decision to drop the rope to my ex. It happened like a week ago, I did a little ceremony with candles, sort of symbolic, asking the universe to accept that I did my best, I love him with all my heart and always will, but I deserve better, whether "better" is being single yet also detached from him or a relationship with someone more stable and suited to me. And since then a weight really lifted. I guess it was time, and I feel very detached from him now. He's off in la la land, and I send him good thoughts, and I hope he heals, but he's just not going to tie me down anymore emotionally.

So I hope you can reach this place if you are ready, and again thanks for what you wrote about your kids above, because it gave me insight into how a father that I just met thinks, and I want to treat him with respect and compassion, and your post put me in the right frame of mind to do that.

[whitneypinch]

Ohhh I am so happy to have helped in any way.
Glad it brought a bit of clarity to your situation with the new man you met.

I didn't even scratch the surface of how deep my involvement with my kids is.
I take each of my kids on an adventure when it's their birthday. Last year my 9 year old daughter wanted me to take her to Nashville. She likes new country music.
In the past I have arranged for her to meet Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, and a bunch of her favourite singers. I used to do work in the music business.
This year my 8 year son wants me to take him (7 hour drive) to go see Frank LLoyd Wright's, Fallingwater house for his birthday.
Each summer we go on an adventure. Last summer we did a whitewater rafting trip in Utah and this year we are going to DC for 4th of July.
Every year I build all the sets for my kid's school play etc.
I LOVE every minute of it and I get the most meaning in life from it.

Now the not so great stuff... I used to be a cynical and somewhat negative person when I was married.
After the bomb I have become forever changed. I went to counselling, read every book on divorce, marriage, relationships, communications etc.
I know this sounds odd but my divorce made me a much better person and I am thankful I went thought it. I appreciate so much now, sometimes to a fault.

If I didn't have kids the breakup would be hard but for me having kids make's the breakup so painful. I hurt the most for my XW when I have the kids. My heart breaks that she is not experiencing all the greatness of our kids along with us.
One of the things I get the greatest meaning is to share an experience with someone I love. It breaks my heart not to be able to do it with my XW along with our kids. For me nothing is more meaningful.

I hope I reach a point of acceptance soon.
Right now I am feeling a lot of hurt, anger and sadness.

Thanks again for posing your positive views on the way things are for you.

[nero]

hey hi-

i just read your letter and it made me blubber a bit. it's true isn't it- it just hurts (might forever) who the heck knows?

my h gets nice - very nice - sometimes. when he forgets i'm his "sworn enemy and source of everything bad in his life???". you are sooo right about not getting any kind of hope.

i feel for you- you're a good man to let the kids off the hook for your anguish. it's hard- it's decent tho and they'll benefit from it.

i don't have kids - have a few neices i'm close to - i endeavor to be honest (they're oldish a few and with the youngest (14) i keep it light and no-pain). they don't need to suffer thru our pain.

it's something positive we can do to help someone else i think.

God knows i can't seem to help myself in this mess.