I came here almost two years ago in a desperate attempt to save my marriage. It did not work. I watched my xw go from being my wife to a loved one to a friend and acquaintance to telling me she didn't want me in her life anymore.
Many conversations were confusing. She would open up and then retreat in the very next sentence. What seemed like instances of reaching out were followed with a cold shoulder and an act in the D that left me feeling like I got hit with a truck.
I took steps to protect myself. I went NC in January of last year. When she texted, I ignored. I deleted her from my phone, my facebook, and even asked my friends to block her so I didn't have to see her face.
I believe the NC started the healing process. My last tears shed in regards to the sitch (up until today) were in December. I've been more focused on me. My goals, my wants, and the life I want to live for as long as God gives me the grace to do so.
... in some ways I finally feel free. I learned to become the person I wanted to be. I went from being the victim to being responsible for my own actions regardless of the other person. I broke my co-dependence and learned when to encourage others to change vs. giving them breathing space to let God work on them w/o me.
There is no doubt that the last two years have been the hardest yet most rewarding time in my life....
I know my journey is not over. I know the work is not done.
For it is impossible to achieve 100% of who I want to be. That would make me God and I can never compare...
... but I will spend the rest of my life trying. I will spend the rest of it remembering what was given to me. I am extremely loved.
I said ^^^ as I am now in a situation that I did not expect. If you want to read the 10 threads to get the best picture - go ahead- but you now have good cliffnotes.
In an attempt to move forward in faith, I have opened a door for my xw to want to talk to me. She wants to have tea in the next coming weeks. I do not know what for. She didn't say.
How this happened: FB. A mutual friend posted a picture of her 10 month old daughter. My x and I made similar comments about losing track of time and our friend commented to both of us in the same post.
I found it weird that she would do that seeing she knows about the D and that we don't talk.
At first I did nothing. Thinking it was inappropriate or asking myself if there was expectations I spent 4 miles running and talking to God.
I told him that I was tired of thinking about how I should treat my x and I was tired of expectations. I had a funny joke because it's actually our friend who loses track of time and it shouldn't be a big deal to say it to x. If she said something fine, if not - fine too. No more wondering if she thought it was pursuit or reaching out or whatever. It's my life, my actions, and I was ok with the consequences.
So I prayed - If this is some sign.. I will be me - but you gotta be you. I always believed in leaving the results up to God, but that in order for results to happen.. an action needed to take place.
and I sent it.
X responded and started conversation. Again I kept the conversations light and short - I did DB after all - listened and validated. And turned it back over to God. I even made sure I wasn't leading the conversation on as a way to manipulate the conversation to go longer.. I did that in the past and now if people want to talk to me, they will.
Well this time around she opened up some more and then said how funny it was that I messaged her. She was planning to call me and ask if I wanted to go for tea in the next few weeks....
... and here we are.
I haven't responded. I do NOT believe my xw is trying to get back with me in any way.
There are many emotions that I am feeling and this thread is for me explore them all. Journaling here keeps me accountable.
Grace, Love, Compassion and Faith - Who would have thought 4 little words would have such a profound impact.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I am glad you took the time to examine self and intent before sending. I always have the best reflective conversations while doing a physical activity allowing my mind to detach from the day to day and explore the issue. I am an endorphin addict.
Vision without action is a daydream Action without vision is a nightmare
Sometime back I knew I’d see my X at our Granddaughter’s first birthday party. There was a gauntlet of emotions for me associated with that. Ultimately I went. I know myself well enough to know I would have regretted not going.
I am in control of me You are in control of you.
You know yourself better than I or anyone else and I know sometimes we don’t know what we are capable of until we’ve accomplished it.
Make your plan, chart your course and execute it for you and what will help you make yourself happy. You are worthy of all you achieve.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thanks JS - It is all about me. Who I want to be. What would I regret?
It has very little to do with x.
So here we go...
I am very conflicted....
On one hand - I do want to meet her. Again - I do not expect reconcile, but there is a chance that an apology is coming of some sorts.. or a possibility of a future friendship.
Otherwise what is the point. I feel like I received closure when we signed our papers. Painful and confusing yes - but there is nothing else to talk about. That was the day I buried my marriage....
... and in some ways - I see no point in rehashing or even talking about it. I see no point in us meeting unless it is to talk about a way to move forward in a positive way.. even if as friends.
but it's difficult to not turn these possibilities into expectations. The last 6 months, I have moved forward believing the door is shut. Not because I want it, but because she did.
So it's tricky to understand a positive possibility but not hope for it.
.. but I am soo scared. As much as I do not regret showing x love - it takes alot out of me. So much I have to overcome, and then I have to deal with the rollercoaster afterwards.
And time and time again - it seems to go unnoticed by x.. her actions don't change.
It's tiring. I don't do it for her but sometimes I want to shout - Come on.. can you just do the same for me???
I mean - the 6 wks after my marriage were dark days. I do not wish to go back there.
I don't blame my x for those weeks. I am and always will be my own person.. responsible for my heart and my own actions....
but do I really want to risk my heart so I can open up a possibility of a positive interaction?
Do I want to risk my heart because even though painful, I know the joy that comes along with living the high road with no regrets?
The answer should be Yes! If I believe in those things... I should act on them.....
... but so many negative feelings are getting in the way right now. The last 48 hrs have been anger.
I know this is because I have felt like I have had no voice in this whole thing, no say, no chance....
... and now because SHE is ready... we can have a cup of tea.
Ugh - I feel the anger and "victim" pose seeping out from those very words.
Can my want and need to be a best Val now.. outweigh the pain and fear that was caused then?
Honestly - I don't know.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
... but so many negative feelings are getting in the way right now. The last 48 hrs have been anger.
I know this is because I have felt like I have had no voice in this whole thing, no say, no chance....
... and now because SHE is ready... we can have a cup of tea.
Ugh - I feel the anger and "victim" pose seeping out from those very words.
I think you are allowed to have those feelings, they are valid and they are yours: neither right nor wrong, just yours. How do you express these feelings is the question? Keep praying and come from the angle of love (not a door mat).
Quote:
Can my want and need to be a best Val now.. outweigh the pain and fear that was caused then?
I think they are one in the same, follow my logic here (of course it may be way off base but hay?!?!). The new better Val was created through the pain of your/her past actions. Without having to walk through the fire so to speak, this new, cool, fun, exciting and living life Val may not have happened. As hard as it is try to look at this as yet another opportunity to grow and work on you. Pain yes, but a temporary, way less painful event then before. Heck you can do this standing on your head yodeling.
Will you let her know just how much you hurt through this experience?
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
i have been thinking about your post for a day now and have been struggling with how to reply bc i do not want to project my stuff onto you
i feel as if we are similar in many ways, most of all in our desire to have and show love and compassion to all.. for me, in the last few months, i know that i have realized that my love and compassion needs to include myself, in fact it needs to start there and flow out from there... this is contrary to what i have thought or done for all of my life.
so i guess what i am saying is.... that as you consider who you want to be in this decision, remember to have love and compassion for val. that being said, i am not saying as much about your decision as how you approach the process of making it..
Perhaps you havent received the full closure you need. Seeing her could give it to you no matter what she says/does. If its something positive for you it could be an opportunity to allow her back into your life in friendship... your decision.
If the encounter is not something positive for you, it could be an opportunity for you to get the final closure you need, again, on your terms. Either way, with no expectations, you protect your heart by deciding for you what is best.
And the nagging feeling of 'what would have happened if I went' wont be something you will have to wonder about.
I can understand the hesitation though....where are your thoughts on it today?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Your feelings sound perfectly normal, and personal growth regardless I can understand your comprehension.
It's a choice only you can make, but I wish you good luck in reaching a decision!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I would accept her invitation with no expectations. As Bustingout put it, I wouldn't want to have regrets later.
However, I'm not the one making the decision. I can speak for everyone when I say we care about you and your feelings which is why I'd be conflicted to suggest that you go.
I'm reading between the lines here, but it seems as if you really don't want to go yet there's this little part of you that is still wondering if it may not be such a bad idea.
On the plus side, I believe you are taking your time to think long and hard about this which is great. We strive to maintain our serenity which is why I applaud you for thinking about this before committing yourself.
Take care V.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
