My WAW - coming to terms with it all!

[WAW_SC]

So i spoke with my W the afternoon of her Bday and she thanked me for the presents in a sincere way.

I am glad I didnt call or ask her out to dinner. Man, when you think you should be doing something, sometimes do nothing!

We met up the next day at our S5 soccer game. She was in good spirits and we had a good chat after the game. I dropped her off home and then i went with the boys to get a mothers day present.

I dropped them back off, we chatted again and she asked me if I was going out that night.
I said yes, and she asked..."where are you going?" I told her i hadnt decided yet, but it would probably be in town somewhere.

She has not asked me or been interested in what I have been up to in months.Thats two weekends in a row where she has enquired as to what I got up to in the evenings.

It seems like everytime I come over, she is a little more relaxed with me, the anger is slowly fading, but i wont change what I am doing. I am being friendly, engaging and not sticking around longer than I have to. Consistency and patience.

The next afternoon I went around to pick the boys up for transition. IT was mothers day and she had spent the morning and lunch with her family and our sons. When I walked in she gave me an awesome "hello", her beautiful smile straight at me. It made my day.

She offered me a cup of tea!!

We had a great chat and she told me about her birthday, dinner with her parents and how mother's day lunch had gone. She was in a great mood and I was mirroring her great mood too. She thanked me for the flowers that I had left on behalf of the boys with a note " we love you mummy" for mothers day. I told her I had nothing to do with it...i was just the messenger for the boys. She gave me another great smile.

Then she thanked me for the card I made for her for mothers day. It was a photo collage of lots and lots of little pictures of our sons...like a mosaic all nicely arranged. I got my S-5 to write on the back of it...he has only just learnt to write. I must admit i was pretty proud of it.

she said "thanks for card...it was beautiful, it really was"

I told her again, i had nothing to do with it...that it was all the boys doing. She gave me a "yeah right" with another smile.

I hung around a little longer and then left with the boys.
It felt great....she had opened up just a little bit of her heart to me and while I am not expecting anything, it was about as good as it has been for a long long time.

Back to GAL and PMA.....

[WAW_SC]

So after so good ground gained on the weekend, i saw my W this afternoon and the reception was COLD. I can feel she is really trying to just cut me out...just like her notes to herself said:

"i have to cut all ties"

I had popped around to try and help out with something re: our son and she took it as an insult. She said something like

"i was fully aware of the situation and what I had to do" in a sh!tty tone.

I backed off and dropped it. Then some stuff happened with the kids and S3 got all angry with me and took sides with my W and I just left.

I get down after moments like this. Its takes me a while to get back to normal, but i find myself reminding myself that I was unhappy in my marriage too and that i shouldnt just expect that getting back together with my W would make me happy, because it wont. Its up to me.

My W is just charging along on her mission to cut me out of her life to find her happiness. Whenever i do something that is received well, shortly after she gives me the cold shoulder. its almost predictable but it still hurts.

Anyway, i want to be happy again and I know i have the potential to be happier than before. Just not sure if that will be with my W. I am also not sure If I want to start seeing other women. I think i want to but i am concerned its just rebound stuff. Also concerned that if i am with other women, that there is NO way i will ever get my W back.

Its very confusing because being in limbo does not allow me to be happy. Putting myself out there to meet other women is an exciting prospect...what if I am supposed to meet someone else. Nothing is certain in the future. I know i still love my W but I am worried that my desire to get back with her might stop me from being present, being in the moment and opening myself up to whatever is ahead of me. I also dont want to ruin any chances of reconciling.

Its a very confusing time because as i make lots of progress and find myself getting happier, its like i have these ropes i cant detach from for fear of reaching the point of no return.

[WAW_SC]

Today i want to give on the M, my W..all of it.

I have thought back at how we were together in the last few years. Its pretty sad, we didnt put the time in to make the marriage work. I am responsible for my actions and words during that time. I own it. My W can own hers if she wants to but she is not at the moment and doesnt look like she will.

I have DB hard the last 3 months...it know its not long, but i have seen the exact opposite reaction with my W. Instead of things getting better, they have gotten worse.

I have been patient, respectful, considerate and i have listened to her whenever she wanted to talk. But the more the days go by, the less she wants to talk, the more she plans the next moves without me.

I have become the father that i wanted to be, but the better father i become the more she cuts me off from her.

I have looked after myself, read some amazing books, somehow found a way to bring happiness, kindness and love into my life and started really living with PMA. It has been amazing the shift that I have felt inside and seen with the people around me. But it has made my W even more distant.

AS the days go by she wants less and less to do with me. I accept that now. Our marriage is dead.

I dont see how we can resume a R again. I dont recognise the person she has become. Its not who i want to be with, so cold and so retrieved. I dont love that person anymore.

Today i give up on the hope that things could change. I no longer believe it anymore.


Sorry to let you all down, but its time i faced the facts and started accepting it so that I CAN continue the work I am doing on myself so that I can continue to find happiness within myself once more. I know the big mantra for DB is PATIENCE...i cant do this anymore. I just want to get on with my life.

[Buddy]

WAW_SC
My W walked out on me at the end of December 2012. We’ve a 15mo D who was 9 mo at the time. I’ve followed your postings and it does help me to know others are trying too. Thank you.

This is an extremely challenging situation for the LBS and for the WAW. It is so hard. No question. I have many regrets and still find myself crying when I’m alone & my mind wanders to dark places.

In response to your last post, I wanted to say to you that I (try to) believe that the situation/time can be a critical turning point too: towards redemption and contentment. In my last year of school, a few years ago now, we studied King Lear. I’ve been re-reading it recently. I am moved and inspired by the way Lear responds effectively to the zenith of his suffering/collapse. It is as if he needed that utter desperation to realise a deeper and better way. That is my ambition (along with/as part of, divorce busting :-))

I can't really think of any situation where there is no hope. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. Be strong. Exercise. Stay focussed on your quest for contentment.

[WAW_SC]

HEy Buddy,

Thanks for the support. It was nice to read your post.

I havent been getting much feedback lately, so its nice to get some words of encouragement.

Things keep slipping away. We talked about selling the house and I mentioned that i was interested in buying her out and keeping the house and doing the renovations we had planned.

W is looking at houses near her parents place, about 15 mins away. she wants to be near them so that they can help her with picking up boys after school etc.
She mentioned that she now wants to look at the boys living with her Mon-Fri and Ill be allowed to have them on the weekends.

Its devasating, we have been co parenting for 6 months now and its has been working well. She is now trying to change our arrangement and keeps using the term " whats best for the kids" to justify her decision making. I styed calm and just kept talking to her saying that it was a pretty serious change and that it would be good to view all the options we have so that we can make sure we do whats best for the kids AND works for both of us as well.

As we continued to talk she brought the past up, about how she felt she was never allowed to have an opinion. I validated her feeling and asked her if she still felt that way. She said "not really...you are operating in a different way now"

Later on i said we needed to try and be considerate about how some decisions impacted on each others lives and that it was necessary to talk things through to ensure we were both comfortable with the deicsions. She mentioned she was upset about the idea of me taking over the house and that I wasnt being considerate to her and started to cry a little and walked out.

We wrapped up the talk shortly after and I left.

I am afraid to lose my 50% co-parenting with the boys. I know I am a great father, that my sons and I have a special bond and it grows everyday. I dont want to argue with my W about this as she will jsut see this as a justification why she left in the first place. I feel her decision making is not coming from a rational place and that she keeps using the excuse of "best for the kids" but it all seems to be whats best for her. It feels like she is still motivated a little by her resentment against me and that influences her decision making. Im not sure how spending less time with their father will be better for my sons.?

I feel powerless! Its heart braking ....I dont know what to do. Nothing has been agreed to yet so I dont know how it will pan out and Im not sure how to approach it.

Help!

[Buddy]

WAW_SC
My views:

Unless your wife brings them up and the practical/financial issues (such as buying her out of the house etc) need to be resolved asap, I recommend that you do not raise them.

I completely understand the urge to do this but (a) it is pressing for certainty on practical matters that are less important than the central M issue. Presumably the motivation is that it will lead to favourable response on the central M issue, which is unlikely at this point (b) uncertainty and time are your friends at this point. Indeed, it may be that embracing more uncertainty is a 180 for you. It is certainly for me. I am finding that if I can sit with my uncertainty & think about it, rather than deny it or fight it, I can learn more about what I really want and myself. Further, if I take that approach, it changes how and what I communicate to my WAW about. One of the major difficulties we had was too much time focussing on financial/practical goals to the exclusion of personal/relationship goals.

On accepting uncertainty, I found the following inspiring:

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

In relation to your sons, first, I would suggest that you resist imputing negative motivations to your WAW. Remember she is having a very hard time too. She says she is thinking about their best interests. I would have faith and believe that. Why second-guess it? Why be negative about her? Don’t let fear or panic control you, and try your best to be objective about their needs. Perhaps you could say something like “I know you want the best for our sons, and I think you are a great mother, so I was wondering if [insert idea that is actually better for them]”

At present, I only see my daughter for the weekend every fortnight. It is far less than I would like but (i) I know my wife is doing what she thinks is best in the circumstances (ii) after much reflection of my own, I think she’s correct. In my situation, my wife is currently living with her parents over 2 hours drive away. Neither of us wants our baby daughter to ensure too much driving & we want some flexibility in our weekends, and my job means I’ve to hang by a computer a lot so I wouldn’t make for a great dad during the week. I’m certain we could arrange exceptions where I might want to see her more (such as my birthday). My wife does intend to move to the city I live when she has means, and employment – which she is working on.

Me putting pressure on this situation, even though it is hard for me, wouldn’t help my daughter, my wife, our M or me. Patience & persistence for the long haul – nobody said it would be easy.

I hope this is helpful WAW_SC.

Buddy

[shouldistillhope]

WAW_SC,

I have been following your posts closely and although i am still new here, your sitch follows mine pretty closely.

I have already been asking myself some of the same questions you have asked yourself about when are we truly ready to give up this battle.

My D will be final in a month and a half and i have already questioned whether or not i should keep fighting for the woman i love or if i should wait until the D is final and start dating other women myself.

It might help to ask yourself a couple of questions and make sure they are coming from your heart and not your mind.

Do you still love her?
Do you still see some hope?
Are you truly ready to start dating someone else again or is it because you are lonely?

I have asked myself these same questions and you are the only one who can answer them honestly.

I wish you the best.