So today our son started at his new childcare. IT was my W turn to drop him off and after and email or two regarding some other stuff from her I could tell she was a little prickly with me.
I quickly put the pieces together and realised she was probably just anxious about our son being on his own in the new childcare centre which is around the corner from my work.I went around to peek in to see if he was doing okay, but he looked sad and bored. Broke my heart.
I wrote and email to W to say " just snuck around to see S3 and he seems to be doing okay" just to ease her anxiety/ worry. She wrote back to say whe wasnt sure it was the right place and that it was really hard for her to drop him off and she got to work late.
I sensed she was tense with me about it. I wrote back an email to validate her feelings and say that we could talk this through in person and consider all the options and that one way or another we would work it out.
I know I should be applying LRT, but with stuff regarding the kids its hard to detach. I want us to work as a team to try and find a resolution but I can feel her resentment that our situation/logistics with the kids has become more difficult now that we are seperated.
Part of me wants to jump up and says "this is what you wanted, this is your choice !!" but i realise thats the old me thats slowly fading out. There is no point in turning this into a blame game, no one wins.
The new me wants to listen to her concerns and try and ignore her agressive tone and move towards finding the best thing for our kids.
Its pretty hard to accept her resentment and look past it. I want her to realise that I am just trying to help and make it work.
I hope our conversation will go well.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Ok so after i offered to help my W out this afternoon with picking my son up...(who is just around the corner from me) i got no response from my W.
I think she is determined to prove to me that she doesnt need any help from me whatsoever which I get.
Have I been too nice??...did I backslide. This stuff involves picking up our kids which we need to work as a team on, but she is determined to do it all on her own...but still complain to me if it gets too hard.
I'd be lying if I said that her attitude was not frustrating me. Why is she being so stubborn about this stuff. Any insights??
What do I do from here....just continue LRT and being supportive, even if she doesnt want any of my support?
I dont plan to react to it at all, but it's like she wants me to be the bad guy to help her justify her decisions.
Man...just when I think i have been detaching well and really GAL i come up against this.
Time to take a break, regather myself again and get back on with my goals.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
my W and I still share an email account for stuff realting to our kids etc
In the various folders that we have i found a folder called notes...its just a standard gmail account.
I found these notes on there. She wrote this 3 weeks ago
I have made the right decision Our relationship really was emotionally abusive
His behaviour now is in character but how long will it last
It is time to cut the ties
I have not been happy
My boys will be better off with two patents who love them separately rather than the mess we had before
She then wrote this 3 days ago
I need to get my life together I need to be strong and happy
The first one hurts to read. The second one tells me that she is really trying to get on with her life.
Everyday I get closer to giving up. I am so sorry for making her feel and think that our R was "emotionally abusive", i dont think she can ever go back.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
I just realised that the first message on the 13th April was after a day we spent together with the boys, firstly at soccer and then at a bday party that one of our boys was invited to.
It was a really nice day and I thought I had handled that day really well. we chatted and we got along really well. Here i was thinking that she might be slowly opening up to me...but instead it had the exact opposite effect.
Then she wrote that note....and the words " its time to cut the ties" really hurt and make me feel like its a lost cause.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Hi - pretty new to these boards but I wanted to let you know your obviously not alone. Just read through your post and could connect on most of your situation. Mine has not progressed yet to yours, as we are still in the same house, but I feel that it could easily go that way.
I too have been accused of the emotional abuse with my controlling behavior and it hurts to hear because my controlling comes from fear of losing what I love, long story if you read my posts you might understand. I never got that it was emotional abuse till a couple of years ago when it started getting worse, but I never thought of getting help, till now, when its possibly too late.
I wish I could offer some insight but as I mentioned I'm a rookie to this, and others seem to be giving great advice. Just wanted to show support and I'll be pulling for you.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
HAd a great day at S5 soccer on saturday. W was there and it seems that we will generally attend all kids sport together for the time being.
I dropped her off home and as we were pulling up to the house, she casually says " we should consider selling this house" She is currently living in the family home at the moment. It knocked the wind out of me, but i didnt let it show. I just casually said " okay, if thats what you would like to do, we havent really sat down to talk about it but okay."
I also said if were going to sell it, we should at least wait until S5 finishes this school year, so that he doesnt have to move during school term. She thought it was a good idea.
After that, i dropped off into town on our way through. we had a good talk in the car, kept it friendly and that was that.
Its like I am a spectator in all in this. Just watching it happen and unfold right before my eyes.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
But not given up in the total sense, I am not saying I have given up on my W or M but I feel like i have given up on the idea that this change will happen soon and that I can "expect" my wife to see that I am a changed man. I dont really care anymore what she thinks, she can paint whatever picture of me she wants to. This is her choice.
I know who I am now and I now that there is potential for me to be happier than I was in my M and happier than I have ever been. I know that everyday is a opportunity to make improvements about myself, to be more positive, to give more love and to treat my W with more respect and compassion regardless of whether or not she accepts as genuine or fake. I will accept the sadness that still lives in my heart, but not dwell on it and not let it control how i live from now on. There is potential for more happiness and I am on mission to bring that into my life, with or without my W.
I feel like i have been set free in a way. I think i have detached. I have no expectations about my M anymore, I will continue to be true to myself and live life positively....my story will unfold and I will accept it as it presents itself.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Wow it seems we have reached exactly the same point on this. It is somewhat freeing which helps with the detaching. I am basically where you are on not necc caring whether they want to accept the good and keep resenting the bad. But sometimes resentment just never goes away for some and you can only control the new you. Keep the head up and power through. I wish you good luck.
M: 43 W: 43 Married: 17 Together: 20 BD: 4/8/13 no legal or physical S as of yet 3 kids: S:14 D:13 D:9 W admitted EA: 5/5/13 Mediation started: 6/3/13 W says EA is done: 6/30/13 - still interested in D
WAW_SC You are taking this like a real man. Applause for you, and the way you are handling it.
I keep learning more with every thread I read.
God speed to you sir.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Its my W birthday today. HAve not made a big deal about it. I sent her a text this morning saying " happy birthday"
The boys and I bought some gifts from the supermarket to keep it all non personal. Things like some new socks, lip balm, vitamins etc. I know it sounds ridiculous but this is the kind of stuff she gave me for my birthday so I am just going along with her sentiment. I didnt ask her to go for dinner etc, because I am not sure if she actually wants to spend any time with me.
Its hard to know if I have done the right thing? Have I been a bit too cold and impersonal? It feels wrong to be so cold about it all but I figure that its in keeping with LRT?
I feel like asking if she wants to have a little family dinner at the pub butI am afraid of the rejection. It might be best to just ignore it. ANy help out there??
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
