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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Sep 2011
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So, a mix-up today about who was picking up S14 from school.

I rang stbx to clarify when he informed D17 that he wasn't allowed to pick up S14. He spewed venom: It was all my fault.

I told him there was mail for him to collect and when he eventually dropped S14 off, he came in wearing a large new shiny sliver wedding ring on his non-wedding-hand ring finger.

He is a man who has never worn jewellery in his life and who didn't want to wear a wedding ring when we married - cause it just wasn't him. We tried them on but he said he just wasn't the ring-wearing type.

OW wears chunky sliver jewellery.

My heart skipped a beat, I must say, so i'm not completely detached. I felt this was cruel. Or ridiculous, like teenagers.

I feel like they are trying to rub my nose in it. OW is so keen to show ownership (FB profile pic, hanging all over stbx at our local cafe, driving our family car to our local shopping centre).

What sort of people do this? He is still married and has 2 children....

I hope her desperation works it's inevitable magic on him.

I wish I could overcome the residual sadness I feel.
He is not coming back, that is obvious.

I think they will probably marry as soon as they can after D is granted. Presumably this is why he was so keen for the hearing date in early April - they had the rings and were rearing to go.

And then I went and mucked up their plans by taking the judge's advice to adjourn the hearing until some arrangements had been made to make him pay child support.

Got a crippling L's bill today too. Don't know how one is supposed to access justice when the issue is having all one's money taken.

I'm sad and down today.

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Hi NLW,

I've not been around for a while, but pop in once in a while to catch up to see how everyone is doing. It sounds like you have really gained in so much strength!! Well done you!!

Hold your ground at this point. You did the right thing in adjourning the D until there was a solid agreement for child care in place. This was absolutely the right thing to do. Who cares that he is placing all the blame on your for 'ruining' his success in life. Hopefully, at some point, he will realise he did it all himself. He's just blind with anger and frustration at the moment.

You seem to be getting back on track - already well on your way in fact. I don't know what he was like during the marriage, but was he a bit controlling?

I just hope that for you, once the D gets settled, you can all move on and create some space for yourself to heal properly.

All the best to you!

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Hi NLW I am sorry you are sad today. I now those days....

I was listening to a song the other day, and unexpectedly started crying. I thought wow, I miss H, its so sad what has happened. Lately, I have been thinking that maybe the sadness will not go away completely. And maybe thats not a negative thing. I dont want my feelings to become immune to the trauma that happened to my family. I want to show my family that despite sadness that may enter our lives, and it will, just like any other emotion, we can still live and thrive and enjoy our lives to our full capacity. It is sad. And it always will be sad what happened. It doesn't have to rule us.

Oh and too bad for your H that you are doing the right thing for your kids.


(((((((((NLW))))))))


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Hi YC,
Good to see you back!

Thanks for your feedback - it's good to know someone can see some progress in my journey.

Also good to hear your perspective on my D case. I need that validation from time to time. Stbx is certainly angry and frustrated at the moment and he's acting out all over me.

In regard to your question, yes he was controlling during our M.

At first it was like 'nice' controlling - i.e. always driving me everywhere and worried (apparently, I learnt later, to the point of ringing hospitals and going out searching for me if I was late coming home from something).

Towards the end it got stranger - he'd sit around in the hairdresser's waiting for me while was having my hair done (this sounds wierder than it was, I suppose - he went to the same salon and we were sort of 'friends' with the hair dressers). He admitted at one point that he was convinced I would leave him for some other man.

And he also got really 'bullying' and always wanted me to do anything financial 'his way'. He became manipulative and argumentative. He kept trying to force me to pour more and more of our money/assets into his failing business.

Not to say, of course, that I wasn't attempting to control him as well... Probably a case of two manipulative control freaks going head-to-head with each other!

I can't imagine that one can ever heal from something like this. I can see that it would be possible to move on (out of necessity), and to learn, but to 'heal' implies recovery.

As someone else said on another thread, it's like having a limb lopped off. You can't really recover from that. You can deal with it and adapt, even strap on a prosthesis... but I'm not sure about 'healing'.

Still, I take your point about moving on and creating space to focus on a new life - thanks for the support!

Hope everything is going well for you.

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(((NLW)))

You're doing great. We are in this boat together. Our H's are two of a kind. I know exactly what you are going through because I'm going through it too!!!

Hang on tight to your belief system and don't let go. Just pray!!! I see my lawyer bill and I want to faint, but it is the only way to get any fairness from my dealings with H. As my counselor said the only way to get guys like them to stop bullying is to show them there is someone bigger and stronger. And them they will push until they are pushed back harder. Then they back off.

My thoughts are with you.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Hey Busting, Thanks for dropping by with support. I feel much better today.
Not sad, just a step closer to accepting.

I read some stuff about OWs on the hero's spouse site under the jealousy/envy link that helped me think through what I have been feeling toward OW and her public flaunting of their R.

It helped me a lot, so I hope you can find it.

Best, NLW

Joined: May 2012
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Hi NLW, ok I will check it out thank you. xxx

I am glad you are feeling better today.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 2,695
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NLW- just caught up on your sitch and wanted to send a little energy and support your way. smile

What an amazing Mom and person you are, I admire your strength, your empathy and your obvious love for your kids..

IO

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WH,

We are in this together, you and I!

Thanks for the reminder about bullies. I've seen stbx back down before but only when a lawyer - senior counsel - told him to back off the BS. This L was stbx's own defense counsel in a big case against the tax dept.
First and only time I've seen stbx cowed.

Joined: Sep 2011
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IO, Thanks you for your kind words and support.

I couldn't get by without all the kindness and understanding, not to mention time and effort, that people put in for me on this site.

A big, heartfelt thanks to you all.

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