Is it too soon to give up hope?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

More questions about bills today. And she is giving reasons why she needs the information. I don't care why she needs a copy of a bill. I want to know why she canceled the trip after being so friendly prior to canceling. I have been giving her what she has been asking for, although my responses have been delayed and contain only the info she is asking for... Nothing more.

[Thumpered]

Keep lovingly detaching, give her the time and space she needs for now, now is not the time to backpedal.

I know you want answers, I just don't think its gonna be an answer your happy with cause she's still unhappy. Let her work on her, while you work on you.

Its good that your delaying your responses somewhat, you want to really think about what needs to be said, and not put more pressure on the sitch.

Be there for her, without being a doormat of course, but its important your positive, supportive, and not angry and distant.

Good luck 2nd, you can do it.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Hey Thumpered, I have been following your story and i feel for you. I truly hope you can save your marriage!! I have been posting my story here in hopes of having success and then being able to help others after having that success. My methods are a bit different from what others are doing here. I believe in 98% of the methods talked about here but I also believe it is possible to be proactive. Here are some thoughts

1. Work on you for you or any future relationship will never work.
2. Begging, pleading, and using logic will never convince our waw's of anything.
3. Keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work
4. Following our emotions will usually be counterproductive
5. Try new things and if they don't work stop, but if they do work, keep doing them; it's a trial and error process.
6. Learn as much as possible about the psychology of attraction. Our waw's are no longer attracted to us and it is a good idea to understand why. You can use this information as you make changes to you for you.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

As I work on me, I have been seeking many ways to be more attractive in general and have kind of found an imaginary mentor in the form of Ryan Gosling’s character from “Crazy, Stupid, Love”. Oddly some of the best resources out there come from the “pick-up artist” community. Please don’t dismiss these ideas as being entirely manipulative and temporary fixes. The stuff these guys do is backed by psychological research and most of it focusses on how we can make ourselves better communicators. A lot of what is taught has to do with taking away things that are unattractive about us. When we do this, what is left is a more attractive person that was already there before. I do understand that my other 180s may be more important for a long-term relationship to work and I will continue to work on those relentlessly

Following other threads, I see that many of us are in that place where we are separated, working on ourselves (our 180s and GAL), spending time with our kids, developing new friendships. But we have little to no contact with our spouses.

Because W and I don’t share kids we hardly need to interact except for the occasional bill. I had very little hope after we initially separated simply because I thought I would never get a chance to show my wife the “new me”.

Still, while working on myself and finding resources on the internet I came across this idea of sending texts to my wife and sparking some emotions in her that would lead her to be interested in me again. I have been working on taking all negativity out of my communication and texting is a great way to communicate because it is easier to think before reacting. So finally here was a proactive thing that I could do.

And I’ll be damned if it didn’t work almost perfectly right up until she canceled on our trip to Vegas. I didn’t post most of our exchanges here, but all the text exchanges were pretty positive.

Here is an example of an extremely positive text exchange between w and me (keep in mind that I initially sent much milder texts and took a lot of time to build up to what I sent below):

Me: Was cleaning and I came across that photo of us on our night out on Kauai when you wore your black dress. Wow (her name), you are so gorgeous in that dress!

Her: Good times in Hawaii... Love that dress!!!

Me: The dress just brings out the beauty in the person. Your wedding dress did that too. When I think of Hawaii, I think of you. Our marriage license experience; swimming in the pool at the Hyatt our first night on Kauai; our endless hike; snorkeling; zip-lining with the manager...

Her: Wow... If only we could turn back the clock and relive our happiest moments. I will always love you, (my name). These moments in time will never be forgotten

Her: Wanna workout in the morn?

We did meet for drinks a few weeks after that and she sent mixed messages, but ultimately she told me that she loves me but is not in love with me.

Still we kept texting with more great exchanges. Things escalated to the point that we had agreed to take a trip to Las Vegas together. I already posted that exchange here. And then she canceled two days before the trip.

I’ll admit that trip was probably too much too soon. And I am now back at square 1 with very few ideas of what to do next. I don’t think that she will respond to my texts now as she did before. I would love to hear other’s ideas, and if anyone wants to try the texting thing, I am happy to help out.

There are a handful of threads that I have been following of people in similar situations to mine and ultimately we are all almost in the same place. We are doing our 180s and GAL but ultimately we are waiting and trying to detach… It felt good to be proactive for a while

[Thumpered]

Maybe a little too much too fast? Spreading them out a bit more next time??? Are you doing the DB coaching sessions?

I think you have to be careful, in the way that she could be looking at it like, "look we can be friends after all", instead of you maybe reading something deeper into it.

If she's still giving you ILYB speeches, I think you need to back off, she cant miss you if your proactive too much.
Its such a fine fine line.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Hopefully somebody is reading this because I need some advice now. I am feeling a little like a doormat. So w canceled our Vegas trip 2 days before without explanation. I initially wanted to be a little more openly upset, but i eventually opted to sort of blow it off. I did send the following text last Friday

"Vegas would have been an amazing fun time (her name). You suck for canceling."

Telling her she [censored] was an attempt to mirror her joking language that she has used lately. I am not sure how she took it. She did not respond and about a week went by before we had the following exchange yesterday:

Her: (my name), any word on the refund checks? It's been 1.5 months... Seems like a awful long time. I really need the money to pay down some of my cc debt. Please let me know status. Thank u

Her: I also need to get my mail. Is there someplace you could leave it so that (her son) or I could PU?

Me: (6 hours later) please don't stop believin (per the advice of Journey).. Checks will eventually come. But maybe check with (tax lady) for more info. I'll be around next week for mail PU

Her: (instantly) Funny guy... I certainly don't believe in the government or state run agencies. I will email (tax lady). Can I pick up mail Monday afternoon?

Me: (2 hours later)yeah ... Come anytime

Her: (5 hours later) Can I trade cars with you for a day? I would like to move my bike over & I need to purchase a few small furniture pieces for my place. Thank u in advance for considering my request.

Seriously.. She wants to barrow my car??? This woman is bizarre .. It's like the whole Vegas thing never happened. I really didnt want to make this about the money because money durring our relationship was unblanced toward her. But I had to take a pretty big loss and now have flight credit in both our names. How do I respond?

[whitneypinch]

Ohhhhh 2ta,

She sounds like my ex. They basically are completely self focussed and we don't even register to them. They certainly don't feel anything towards us at all and seem to lack any type of empathy.

I have gone down this path for a few years with my XW, trying to be caring and nice.......it has gotten me no where.

Best to try to let her go....at least I am trying to do that as well.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Ultimately letting go and moving in may be the best advice.. But in responding to this particular request I am trying to decide what to do. I am inclined to let her borrow my car... But like she said it is a trade for a day. I drive a 2007 CRV that she can move her bike and furniture with. She drives a 2013 BMW 328i. I could take her car out for a night on the town with the boys... And let her know that is what I am doing and therefor minimize the doormat thing...

I am thinking of responding with ... So I would get your car for a full 24 hours?

[hotwheelsaust]

2ta, well done on the texting, I can understand how positive that sounded. I did the texting thing also, as per DB coach. In reality, like your W, a lot of replies sounded positive but focused on "those were good times", "yes, I won't forget those moments either". My W still has good memories, still remembers those memories, but deep down inside of me, I also have to accept that she looks at them as a chapter of her life, that is no over. I hope that isn't the case, and same with your sitch. Just try not to focus too much on the replies being positive compared to simply a reply. Best of luck.

[SoLostandAlone]

I'm new here and I've read though a number of posts. It just doesn't seem like any of it is working for anyone. I got DR a few days ago and have been trying to read it when H is not around. It doesn't (or I haven't yet seen it) say that we are supposed to hide the book or not let our spouse see it. In either DR or SSM it even mentioned perhaps both spouses read it kind of together at the same time. So I don't know if he is "allowed" to know I'm reading it in a last ditch effort to save our M or not. He did see the book when it arrived in the mail, so nothing I can do about that. I was told I was no longer loved this past July. Everything else has become blurry for me. I don't even know the exact date like some of you do. Just that everything after that point has not mattered much. I wasn't "ILYBIANILWYA" either. Flat out, "I don't love you anymore, I don't know the last time I did and I don't think I can again." We have been T for over 10 years and M for almost 10 years in October. Met and M pretty quickly after his first D, which I'm certain is a contributing factor. This came out of nowhere, but I should have seen it coming. Our intimacy has been zero for awhile. I believe I suffer from a greater type of depression than I have been taking medication for. I have an appt with a psychiatrist this Friday. It's been pins and needles waiting on this appt that I should have made years ago. And while I think it will help me, it won't do much for my situation. I am planning to move from PA to TX after we file and have a hearing for our 2nd bankruptcy in October. I am so confused right now. I've had to take time off work for depression/anxiety. I believe it is mentioned in one of Michele's books how divorce is similar to death. I am so devastated. Don't want it to be over. I still love him, but there are millions of miles of virtual space between us right now. He brought 3 children into our M. My first, his second. We have none together which has always been one of those things we don't talk about much. I have not been the mother I wanted to be. I've never done enough with my kids, but I've always done everything in my power for them to be happy and have things they want. They have no contact with their biological mother - that has been her choice. They call me "Mom" and I consider them mine. I was always the one making dr's appts or making sure they had rides to soccer practice if we couldn't go and such.
I don't see how anything can turn this around in what, 8 weeks or so? And once I'm gone (I cannot afford to live in PA alone on my sole income), I don't see how there will even be any opportunities for contact. H already said the kids can come visit for half the summer and some holidays. He just seems to have figured everything out while I was still under the assumption that we were semi-happily married. I work from home and don't have any friends here. I've always liked working from home so I could be with my dogs. But in doing so, I have little socialization and I've gained weight. I'm not the fun person I used to be. i can understand how he fell out of love with me. I know I need to work on myself and do the GAL business, I just find myself more depressed everyday thinking about my life without my best friend. How does your best friend do this to you? How did this happen? Why didn't I try to do something about lack of intimacy and my depression sooner? The same thoughts chasing each other around my head making things feel all the worse.
It seems like a lot of you have been at this for months and years and you are still not receiving the results you are hoping for. If you've been at it for months and years - and I'm moving 1300 miles away in 8 weeks, there would appear to be no hope for my M.
I feel so badly for all of you. This IS like death. Only it is replayed everyday. Over and over again. And you all have felt the hurt I'm experiencing now. I don't know how you've gotten through it. I just don't see how I can ever be happy or even accepting about my life and future. I'm so heartbroken.