GAL = working on ur golf game: very condescending.
GAL is what has kept some of us from wanting to kill ourselves.
It is time to find and celebrate your worth as a person, outside of your existing life as a betrayed H. It is critical.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Db'ing and being on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce, and the personal self examination of becoming a man only a fool would leave, all require courage and character. Hiding or glossing over the fact that you taped her, or even trying to blame her for causing you to do it, in my view, are cowardly. Face the fire and do better from this day forward. We all have done things were not proud of; no one here's a saint.
I'm not blaming her for anything at this point. I did what I did because I had to know otherwise I was going to drive myself crazy with my imagination. I know I have had alot to do with her decisions so far. Right now I'm trying to change me to be the man she wants.
hello hawk, i am so so sorry this is happening, i can understand how painful this is for you. i agree with cs and rock...by not doing anything, you are enabling this situation..if she is enjoying it and has nothing to lose, why should she stop?
i am not suggesting you attack her, but find out why she is doing this... why she feels the need to look outside your marriage if you want to save your marriage, let her know that..but you also need to set some boundaries...
she is a married woman, she cannot have both (unless of course that is acceptable to you).....
Thank you grr for your kind words and good advice. I have alot of soul searching to do.
I know her behavior is giving you hope. Use that hope to stay strong, but I don't think you will make progress unless you two can openly discuss the affair. If she keeps lying you may need to tell her you have proof without stating what it is.
This is all I have to hang on to right now. I know she loves me and wants to be with me, but it is so hard for me knowing that she is lying about the A with OM. I know I sound like a complete wimp, but I am so conflicted right now. I just need time to sort things out.
Yes - the reality is that she has already 'left' in many ways. She is cake-eating now, having her lover on the side without disrupting the marriage, etc.
Something needs to shake the reality. DB techniques are for YOU. It makes yourself better able to move on if needed, and may also help the WAW to wake up.
However, while she has ANY contact with the OM there is no hope of fixing the M. It is just more cake-eating going on and they will do this indefinitely if nobody changes the course.
So, use the truth that you have in your hand to get the A front and center and on the table. It can't be dealt with if she keeps denying/lying. It sounds like she will do this indefinitely unless, again reality is changed. That is why I taped my WAW - to cut through the denials/lies - I got very tired of trying to get her to acknowledge what she was doing in order for us to be able to work on it.
You can choose to admit to taping, or try to just say you have proof and see if she capitulates.
Either way, you will get nowhere if the truth cannot be discussed and she quits contact with the OM.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I agree with CS and the others here. And take heart, confronting the affair does not need to be done with anger or judgment. In fact, you seem like you are very much in control of your emotions (even if you don’t feel like it sometimes).
Not telling your W what you know is already causing its problems as she “knows” something is going on. She can feel the "separation" and I think not telling her will cause further emotional separation. And frankly, it is lying which is the LAST thing you want to introduce from your side of this relationship. Be prepared, however, to be met with a very angry reaction again because the spouses are often embarrassed by their behavior and as a result, they lash out in response. It is VERY important that you don’t respond to that in anger. That you have proof will make her feel further humiliated and withholding that information will make it worse the longer it continues. So your choices as I see it are 1) Never tell her or 2) Tell her as soon as possible.
I find your assumption that she is in love with OM very interesting. I read what you had to say and thought the exact opposite. Listen, it would do you some good to read other threads around here before you make that leap. So many of these spouses that are involved in affairs are oblivious to everything around them. My H also had an affair and the house could have fallen down around him, I doubt he would have noticed. In contrast, your W is still very tuned into you. That’s a bit unusual. I would be very very careful with that type of mind reading at this point.
