If you are in a situation where WAS won't end the affair, but won't work on the marriage either (the two usually go together), then I have seen first-hand and also read about accounts where either threatening to disclose the affair to the OM's family, or actually doing it, causes the affair to end because OM does not want the information to come out or to hurt his family. The OM is someone who doesn't really deserve much consideration in this situation, given that they are having an affair with someone's spouse.
It could be a choice if the WAW refuses to end the A and you still want the marriage to have a chance of survival.
Then again, if the WAW won't end the A then the other choice can be to just wait it out and keep working on yourself using DB techniques so that you know YOU will be OK in the end either way.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Getting a S back with threats and intimidation seem to be against DB and not conducive to a healthy R. How has it turned out in those that you've seen?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If you are in a situation where WAS won't end the affair, but won't work on the marriage either (the two usually go together), then I have seen first-hand and also read about accounts where either threatening to disclose the affair to the OM's family, or actually doing it, causes the affair to end because OM does not want the information to come out or to hurt his family. The OM is someone who doesn't really deserve much consideration in this situation, given that they are having an affair with someone's spouse.
Originally Posted By: tryingtilDorR
It could be a choice if the WAW refuses to end the A and you still want the marriage to have a chance of survival.
I disagree with this. I contacted the OM that my W was having an EA with and told him that I would contact his W, it scared him and he has since backed off and said just friends (which is still not acceptable at all for me). So in a sense it worked, BUT guess what? I crossed a line and my W now still wants OM, but he wont engage out of fear. SO she wants something she can't have and I dug a deep hole for myself by doing that! IMHO I should have let it go and hoped that she would have ended it on her own, not by my interaction. I regret it and it did make my sitch more difficult, so please think about it.
Then again, if the WAW won't end the A then the other choice can be to just wait it out and keep working on yourself using DB techniques so that you know YOU will be OK in the end either way.
This to me is the better choice.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Personally, I wouldn't mention the taping. I would just say "You and OM seem to close and do too much together. It makes me uncomfortable and insecure in our R. I would like the R to change". You don't need to accuse her of anything, or show her proof of anything to start changing the dynamics of the relationship.
She will probably tell you, that you are being silly and misinterpreting the situation. Don't argue with her, just restate what you feel, end your relationship with the OM and start DB'ing. Let her sort out her feelings for the OM and for you.
Just my $0.02 cents. Of course, given my current M, I am not sure I would take advise from me.
Hey jp - at least your WAW is not having an affair anymore, but I agree it is always best if they make that choice on their own rather than having it forced on them. Again, using that tactic is a last resort if nothing else works and you lose patience.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
TBH, I am shocked and amazed by some of the advice given to you.
First, GAL? I am not sure working on your golf game is really going to help much right now.
Stop snooping? He KNEW she was having an A and he did the reasonable thing by obtaining evidence of that A.
Now I know it will suck, but yes you do need to confront her. You do need to show your proof.
You will not "drive her into the arms of OM." SHE IS ALREADY THERE!!!.
Stay calm, act with mind not heart. You can choose her, you can choose to walk the long and tough path back to reconciliation. If you do, I commend you and honestly respect it. But you cannot force her to do the same. What you can do is have her make that same decision. Trust me on this, what she decides will be tough and painful either way, so as much as possible, lose the fear.
No person should have to deal with this, and life is too short.
Good luck sir, I wish the best for you.
Peace.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I agree with most of that ^^^^^ Except I would now show her evidence until you have spoken to attorney depending on what state you live in
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
hello hawk, i am so so sorry this is happening, i can understand how painful this is for you. i agree with cs and rock...by not doing anything, you are enabling this situation..if she is enjoying it and has nothing to lose, why should she stop?
i am not suggesting you attack her, but find out why she is doing this... why she feels the need to look outside your marriage if you want to save your marriage, let her know that..but you also need to set some boundaries...
she is a married woman, she cannot have both (unless of course that is acceptable to you).....
Db'ing and being on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce, and the personal self examination of becoming a man only a fool would leave, all require courage and character. Hiding or glossing over the fact that you taped her, or even trying to blame her for causing you to do it, in my view, are cowardly. Face the fire and do better from this day forward. We all have done things were not proud of; no one here's a saint.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
