I never get Ex out of my life because although my kids have grown and don't hae much to do with him. We have a severely disabled son and I make the effort to get him to his dad when he asks to see him.
I moved 3 hours away 2 years ago. Up until then, Ex kept OW away from Ryan (disabled adult son). But when he started visiting him (at a midway point at a mall) after we moved - he started bringing her along. And she started touching my son and acting like she knew him so well. My son's nurse goes along (one of 4) and each of them has told me she invades Ryan's personal space and asks a lot of personal questions. Without any input from me - not one of them feels she behaves appropriately and they do not like her.
I am away for 2 months for a break. I have taken care of Ryan at night and sometimes during the day for nearly 30 years. He requires a ton of special care. His dad has NEVER taken care of him or arranged his care. In fact he never really asks either. It is better this way because I spend hours in meetings and making arrangements.
This winter the agency I use did not feel they could cover the overnight care while I was a way and suggested he stay in respite in a good nursing home nearby. He is really just there to sleep and I pay his nurses to go in daily to be with him, take him out to his daily programs and report to me. It really is expensive to do this but it goes above and beyond what he would receive just staying in a nursing home. But one of the things of a nursing home is that they don't get a daily shower. Most of those days I have the girls take him to my house where he can be showered.
He visited his dad last Saturday (at Dad's request). I paid for the girls to get him and drive him 2 hours south to the mall. The agency's policy (and mine) is that all info about him is kept private. If dad wants to know something - he needs to ask me.
So, Sat afternoon, my worker texted me that ex was asking her lots of questions about Ryan that she could not answer and becoming very agitated with her. So texted him to ask him what the problem was. Then came a SLEW of texts about how Ryan had not been showered, obviously must be in a nursing home, he didn't like what he saw etc. OW got into the discussion too about how this was the worst she's seen him. Obviously he is not being cared for properly etc. NOTE: I do not look good when I do not have a shower. There were no other signs of a problem other than unwashed hair. He has clean clothes, is well nourished and has no cuts, scrapes or bruises.
But his texts to me made no sense. He went on about being informed of Ryan's accommodations, how he feels like he's a "third father" (I have no idea what that means), and how he should be making some of these decisions. (WHAT???? After nothing for 30 plus years). He seems to forget that he signed over custody and care and wanted once every 6 weeks or so visitation. He has also not once EVER asked about Ryan's care.
I responded that I needed a break but that Ryan was being well cared for. That his shower was missed so he could get to the mall on time. I also reminded him that I provide excellent care and arrangements for Ryan.
I know that won't be the end of it. No doubt - he and OW went off about it and egged each other on. He probably went to his lawyer on Monday to see what he could do because he would dearly love to make me look bad.
OK - sorry that was so long. It all happened just as I was off to the airport to pick up a friend who was visiting till yesterday. First chance I've had to talk about it. The agency has been in touch with me and they were not pleased with the way he treated the nurse. If he keeps it up - they might pull their nurses from visitation - that would make things really tough.
if he signed things over...tell him to buzz off. Also...can you tell him that from now on he needs to travel to where Ryan is to visit him as the travel time is too stressful on both the nurses and Ryan?
But one thing to remember - when they spew like this, it's usually because THEY are feeling anxious. Hard though it is, is there anything you can think of to say that might validate his anxiety and calm him down, rather than getting defensive about your care (which is incredibly excellent btw)?
Not that I care the least bit about your ex's anxiety, I just want to calm him down so he doesn't bother you.
Actually the texts from me were informative and businesslike. I did reassure him that Ryan was in excellent care. It has always been his way, though, and that of OW to point out ANYTHING that they could find in others that was not perfect. Made them feel better about themselves.
These days Ex & OW spend every other w/e babysitting. Her son (15 at the time she bailed on him to be with my husband) has fathered 2 kids with 2 different women of which he is in no relationship. During his every other w/e visitation - he hands the kids over to his mother. Good parenting all around. (tongue in cheek). I don't think Ex knew what he was getting into. Makes me kind of smile. My kids are just incensed at his talk of his "grandchildren". They say to one another "You got a kid? Nope - me neither. How can he have grandchildren?" Then they laugh at the aburdity of it. Oh well.
I agree totally but he does not see it that way. He believes that Ryan's insurance covers everything and it is NOT my problem. (it doesn't). He said when he left "The kids will be fine because they have you and you always take great care of them". He did not want any responsibility, just "on demand visits" with his 3 kids - 2, who can speak for themselves (and don't see him muh) and 1, who can't.
He has huge personal problems and can't see past himself. I get that and am so glad he is with her and not me. But to be criticized when I know I'm doing a great job is so annoying.
Fig: The children in this case are from her son's one night stands. Of course it is not the kids' fault. Maggot's son disowned her when she left - he stayed with his dad. Like my kids, he was blown away but his mother's cavalier attitude and abandonment. Now that he is older - he takes advantage of her desire to resume their relationship and when he gets visitation (which he does not appear capable of handling) - he hands them to her.
I'm with my kids on this one. He's there dad. He was in their lives for most of their kid years. To suddenly be "grandpa" to someone else's kids when they have no kids of their own - is unfathomable. But, whatever - I think maggot just likes "playing house" with him as they never had kids of their own.
It is what it is. It is not something I really think about much.
Remember the nurse from hell who ran my son's agency? The one who held me over a barrel (no other agency could handle his care)and just about put me over the edge?
She is returning in 2 weeks from 4 months in Asia - just as I get home from Florida. I dread being around her. While she was away - her business partner (nurse practitioner) and one of my workers (who now runs the office) have been handling things. And doing an extremely good job. They are pleasant to deal with.
Anyway - I just learned that she will NOT be assuming her role in Ryan's life. She will be working in the community but it seems - not with me. There had been a couple of meetings prior to her departure with myself, the nurse practitioner and hospital and I'm sure it was evident that there was no love lost between us. And I'm betting that her business partner realized this change would be for the better. SO - for the first time since I moved 2 years ago - I really feel like I might be able to relax and enjoy my home. That woman had taken over my life - constantly in my home, on the phone and making huge demands on me.
