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Tallula Offline OP
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[quote=Brian in Hville
Yeah, they would melt as I am in Alabama! Maybe I can drive REALLY fast!

I just read your entire sitch too...So you are going to get some of my blunt comments!

Your husband is a serial cheater. You don't need that in your life. He needs to fix ALL of himself before you should even consider being together again. He is very selfish and childish. The only way he is going to get better is if he WANTS to. He will also need to figure out why he cheats...Without knowing that, he won't be able to stop.

You, on the other hand, are an even more amazing woman than I thought when I first commented in this thread. You deserve unconditional love for you, and ONLY you! You are learning the skills that will make sure your next relationship will give that to you...whether that be your husband, or the man you will find afterwards, you will be strong enough to not settle for anything less!

Brian [/quote]

Thank you for taking the time to read my sitch. And for the DQ offer... and for your very kind words. The rug was pulled out from under me and I'm just getting my sea legs back.

Yeah, each day I move so much closer to not even entertaining the idea of R with H. He would need to do a complete 180. He is in IC and wants to WANT to fix that which is broken in him. I just don't know that I'm willing to put myself through anymore. Its really only recently begun to sink in that this man has cheated on me our entire M. This past year, I saw a few signs. First time in our R that we were disconnected. I flat out asked him, he lied of course. But when I think about the years...there was NO CLUE!! Everyone is floored. H is a charmer. He is fun to be around, a very giving person. But maybe it was all a manipulation, leading this double life? So, how would I ever truly trust him?

I do deserve much, much better. I am human, with faults of course!! But, I'm am really great catch. It's hard! I've been with this man since I was 22. He was my best friend, my teammate, my partner. I refuse to believe it was a lie. I know that he does love me. But he is incapable of loving me like I deserve. Honestly, like anyone deserves. Even him. It is sad. I do have a window cracked. I can't legally D him until I have this baby, so one day at a time until August.

It is going to take work for me to keep detached. I love him. I just do. But, I love me more. I just need to show me that.

Ok...that was way to cheesy. Quick, someone make an inappropriate joke...


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 497
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Sounds like you and yourself need to get a room!!!

LOL


Me: 39
W: 44
SS 24
SD: 20
M: 13
T: 15
Bomb: 2/16/11
EA: 2/14/11
Papers Signed 4/13/11
Divorced 5/13/11
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,001
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HI, T,

This is all about saving yourself. And you DO have to love yourself more. It is not cheesy at all.

I agree w Brian--that you deserve much better. And when love is reciprocated on a level that matches that which with you give, you will recognize the immensity of it & the happiness that goes along with it.

Your H serial cheating does NOT take away from the good times and feelings you have/had for each other. HE will rewrite your history, but your version of it doesn't need to change. He has a problem and unless he recognizes it and delves into WHY of it he will never fully be free of the recycled pattern he is in. So, he will never be able to give himself to OW or anyone else until he works on himself.

I am also a midwest girl-born & raised, but now live on the east coast!


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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Tallula Offline OP
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Woo to the Midwest!!! I get nervous about posting too much, less someone in my real world figures out its me. Let's just say, the Cards Rock! & gateway to the west smile!!

Crap, now I want ted drews...


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,001
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Ah, the midwest is a big place. DOn't worry. I have a friend who just moved to your neck of the woods.

I was from just north of you.

Now am a big Sox and Patriots fan! smile


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 100
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Tallula you are such an inspiration to me and I am sure to many others too. I hope that in 2 months time I am singing muppets songs too...believe it or not even after one month I'm almost beginning to hum...

One thing that I did that helped me get some perspective with my situation was ask our MC (we also saw him as IC) his honest professional opinion as to how long it would take in therapy for my H to be able to have a healthy relationship. MC said that with regular counseling and a lot of work on his part it would take several years...maybe 6 or so...and keep in mind that H showed no remorse and was not even slightly interested in restoring our marriage...so it was a moot point with us. So I did the math and realized my S8 would be a teenager and the little guy would be 11. That is a pretty long time to be hanging on and in an unhappy relationship. Think of how happy I could be with someone else or alone in a fraction of that time I might be waiting for H.

The other thing I asked in a joint session with the same MC (I told H I was goign to ask and he agreed). was what we each needed to work on individually. MC rattled off a list of things for H...work on honesty, trustworthiness, emotionally connected to kids, accept all emotions from me and kids without shutting down, explore/resolve childhood traumas...

And then my list was like this: "You are amazing. I can't believe how well you are handling this and how clear-headed you are. Keep on doing what you're doing".

I am FAAAAAAARRRRR from perfect. And I think the MC was glossing over some things I really do need to work on (like running the show--I always overcompensate and do far too much in a relationship, enabling H to do far too little) But a little affirmation didn't hurt at all. Even though I was sad to hear H had so much to do.

My point is that though I don't know your H, he cleary has SO MUCH to work on, and it may very well take years for him to resolve his issues. Just think of how completely happy you could be in the time it takes for him to "catch up with you" emotionally. You can do so much better. Maybe your relationship's purpose was to give you 3 great kids and prepare you for the next relationship.

Hoping for a miracle...but so glad you are in a good place right now. Have a wonderful weekend!

Joined: May 2012
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Tallula I hope you eventually got your DQ order.

I understand loving him but needing to detach. I feel the same way. And once again I need to say that you have brought out something in me that seems to finally be seeing that 'light'.

I hope your pregnancy is going well. What a blessing to have to in all of this mess. You are a strong and beautiful woman, mother and wife. I hope you H can get through this and give you what you deserve. And if not, I am confident that you will find it.

I am loving your energy and your honesty.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Tallula Offline OP
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Ugh, just add some more fun to my day.

My grandma passed away yesterday. Earlier today my mom said they don't want H at the funeral. H wants to be there. I want to throw up.

I spoke to my alanon sponcer and she said I should set the boundary with my mom that he is still my H and that he will be coming.

I'm the type that wants everyone to be happy & just pretend to get along. So, I'm going to have to tell my mom this & just let go of how everyone acts. I just want to care in a hole. I want to make up that we all have the flu and bail. But, I'm either going to start this life now, or continue to avoid uncomfortable situations.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,356
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Tallula,
I'm so sorry.

I really understand how awful this must be for you. My dad and stbx's are both more or less terminally ill and I've contemplated what might happen in regard to funerals...
I don't have any answers; it's just hard. I hope someone wise can pop on here with some good advice - just wanted to let you know that I understand.

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Tallula Offline OP
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I'd love to hear some advice!!

I know I need to state my boundaries. Only mY sister knows that he cheated in me more than once. I've kept much from them, but they are mad. I get it. They don't agree with some ways I'm handling this. I refuse to act bitter & angry towards my H. He is the father of my children & I want a good relationship with him for them. The momentary relief of treating him badly won't be worth a strained relationship. They don't think I should have him at the ultrasound, etc.

Im walking this how I am, and they will chose their path. It's really hard for me to "disappoint" people, but I do know today that this boundary is for me. They can judge me if they chose, I'm the one who has to live with my choices. I chose to tell them, so I have to deal.

I really hate being an adult. I've thought more about running away as an adult than when I was a kid...


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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