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Here are links to my previous threads:

Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink...

Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

Retrouvaille

Quick synopsis- BD was almost 9 months ago, we tried MC and working on things at home but W kept saying she didn't "want to try" both in MC and outside of MC. W moved out just under 6 months ago, lives 5 minutes away. We have 50-50 custody of the kids. We've gotten along fine throughout, continue to maintain a friendly relationship. W signed us up for RetroV and we had some good communications through it, but we only did the first two followups. Unfortunately the followups were Saturday afternoons at the exact same time as S9's basketball games and D16's drill competitions. That killed it. I temporarily thought things were turning around due to RetroV, but since then things have settled back down to how it was before RetroV.

It's been over 2 weeks since I posted the last update. W and I have not had a M, R or D discussion since just after RetroV. At that time we came to an understanding that we were both free to date others. I had decided not to get W anything for Valentine's Day, but when I got home from work that day I was surprised to find she had bought me a bag of my favorite popcorn and left it at my house. So I made her peanut butter cookies and took them to her house that evening. She had the kids that day, so I told her it was a gift for all of them. W also left 2 boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints (my favorites) at my house about a week after that.

I don't actually see W that much these days. Since D16 has a car now W no longer comes by my house to pick S9 and D16 up after school. I see W on the weekends and sometimes once during the week if we have to swap something for the kids (homework or whatever) but that's about it. We usually take the kids out for lunch or dinner together on the weekends. It's about 50-50 as far as me inviting W or her inviting me, but I always get to pay, LOL! Usually when we part we share a hug and a kiss (smack on the lips). This is something that changed after RetroV, before that we hadn't hugged or kissed in months.

D16 was in a major drill competition this past weekend, unfortunately there was some overlap with S9's last basketball game. So W went to D16's competition all day. I went to D16's competition for the morning performances and then drove home to take S9 to his game that afternoon. S9 played great and the team won, so it was fun that they ended on a high note smile D16's team totally blew it out, they won 1st place for each of their 4 routines and also won grand champions for the entire event. So awesome!! I hated that I wasn't there for the awards, but it was an hour drive and even if I left right after S9's game I would have missed the whole thing.

W and I went out to brunch between D16's morning performances. I didn't even realize until later that it's the first time we've had a meal together without the kids since... gosh, I think our anniversary 5 months ago. It was pleasant, all talk was light and fluffy.

GAL- unfortunately my support buddy who also has a WAW is working on a job out of town, so we haven't been able to hang out lately. Weather has been too darned cold to ride the motorcycles much, I basically have been going for short hops to keep the batteries charged. Still lifting weights regularly. Gardening has been spotty because of the cold/ windy weather too. D18 has been coming in nearly every weekend from college, so we've been getting out going to movies and eating out quite a bit.

I've been tapering off the anti-depressants for months and finally stepped off of them completely last week. I've had some headaches, but thankfully no crazy emotional reactions. My main desire for wanting to get off of them was for health reasons, after starting them my blood pressure (which has always been normal) shot up and my resting heart rate jumped from 60 to over 80. I told my PCP, but she swore it couldn't be the A/D's but must have been the stress and depression. Yet now that I've stopped taking them my heart rate and BP are back down to normal. I feel fine, no signs of depression or anxiety. It'll probably be a couple more weeks before I can know that I'm completely out of the woods regarding "SSRI discontinuation syndrome", but so far so good!

Updates will likely be infrequent as there's just not that much going on in my sitch, my life has reached "new normal" status and there's just not a lot of news to report smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Well, that's good AS!

I can't wait for infrequent posts and "new normal" smile


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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AS, I thought I could offer you some advice for once. I have been taking SSRI's for years and have come of them cold turkey a couple of times and tapered off them. The side effects are normally only for a couple of days when you quit cold turkey; I never had any from tapering. Be aware that SSRI's can stay in your system for a couple of months, so it may take awhile before they completely wear off. I remember one time I came off them and was fine for three months and then all of a sudden I was depressed again. Not a big deal, I got a refill and started taking them again and I was fine in two weeks.

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AS, I would just like to say thank you for all of your support and insight on the boards. You information to me specifically has really been helpful. Good luck in your sitch.


M 37 W 36
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BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.)
W move out date: June 8th.
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I remembered a couple of things I meant to post and forgot about. One is just something I might not normally mention, but it reminded me so much of the "castle" analogy that I thought I would talk about it a bit. For those not familiar with the castle analogy, here is Tumbling's version of it:

Quote:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.


So it's a small thing, but I had the kids (plus D18 was visiting from college) and it was a Saturday and W came by to drop something off but she brought her work laptop with her. To my surprise she just sat down in the front room next to S9 and started working while he was watching TV. I was in the living room with D18 and we were cracking up laughing and talking and just having a lot of fun together. W stayed for hours, so long that I eventually asked her if she wanted to go eat with us which she did. It wasn't until a couple of days later that it struck me how much like the castle analogy it was, she seemingly came out of the castle for a while to see what was going on at the picnic.

Another thing I wanted to mention- I was driving with S9 on a Monday after we had swapped kids (we do that on Sundays) and he was telling me about the things he had forgotten at W's house. About an hour before that D16 had also rattled off a list of things she had forgotten over there. After listening to S9 I mumbled to myself "sure would be easier if we lived under one roof" and S9 said "don't say that dad, I don't like to think about how mommy doesn't love you anymore." Ouch. I've got to remind myself that A) I really need to watch what I say even if I think it's to myself and B) the sitch is still affecting the kids emotionally.

Tallula- I really thought my IC was nuts when she started talking about "new normal", but it became my mantra after a few months. It went from a scary thing to being something that gave me hope for a new stability in life.

Hadrianus- thank you, I will keep that in mind! It's now been 6 days without A/D's and I've had no emotional problems at all, and in fact I feel fantastic! So I'm hopeful that my gradual tapering over many months did the trick smile

Grizz- thank you, I appreciate it!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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AS, this is great analogy. Your wife’s last action seems to fit into that perfectly.

My H just called me and we had the longest conversation in 7 months. But, I don’t think he is coming out of the castle. He asked me to bring him some money, which means he is going to stay in our vacation home longer. So, I don’t have any hopes right now that anything is changing in my sitch.


M:50
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S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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That castle analogy really puts the WAW actions into perspective!

How do you handle the thought of your wife dating another man? You must be really strong to agree with this. That will be one of my biggest challenges emotionally.

Great job getting off the anti depressants. Since I have been of mine it feels like a cloud has been lifted.

A fellow biker! Spring is comming slow here in Canada and cant wait to get out on the back roads...It will be my therapy this summer.

Thanks for you advice on many of these threads, It really helps the new folks greatly.

All the best with your situation!


H 37
WAW 32
S 4 (Autistic)
S 2
Together 11 years
Married 6
Bombshell Dec 1 2012
House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
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Hi all, it's been a couple of weeks since I updated, as many of you know once you get this many months into your sitch there's not a lot that goes on day-to-day or even week-to-week. It's now been over 9 months since BD and 6 months since W moved out, wow! So, just when I think we're throwing in the towel W seems to be showing more interest. Over Spring Break she did take the kids to the beach without inviting me, but I thought it was wonderful that she was doing that for the kids, I was genuinely happy for them! W texted me photos during the day and I called them each evening and talked to the kids and to W about what they did that day. When they returned I in turn had the kids over to my house and we had a movie/ dinner outing one evening followed by a whole day at Six Flags the next. I spent extra for the Flashpass, so we spent very little time in lines despite there being record attendance that day. It was a really beautiful day and we had a blast! Then over the next few days W invited me to dinner twice (with the kids) and to ice cream once (also with the kids). She's also been texting more often and in general is much more upbeat around me. She's hanging on longer in hugs and we're kissing on the lips when we part. I'm sticking to DB'ing and not pursuing her or building any expectations on it. We've had no discussions about D or about the R or M. All talk is light and fluffy.

I don't really view my GAL and 180 efforts as GAL/ 180 anymore, they're just part of my new life. I'm still hitting the weights consistently and still increasing in strength (just bumped my weights up again) and still gaining mass. The weather is getting nicer, so I've started my spring gardening which is always very labor intensive, but fun. S10 and D16 are keeping me busy with scouts, basketball and drill team events, but I really enjoy going to them smile I've been getting my motorcycles out more and doing the spring prep on them. Still haven't gotten back into my R/C flying, now that we've had daylight savings time I can get back to flying in the evenings but it's been too windy lately.

I think it's been 3 weeks since I weaned off the antidepressants and I've had zero side effects. I feel fantastic!! It's been a huge relief to know that the A/D's weren't masking any negative feelings and making me falsely feel good, but that I have in fact recovered from the depression and anxiety I started taking them for.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
AS, this is great analogy. Your wife’s last action seems to fit into that perfectly.


I've demonstrated a lot of impatience, that's the thing I have to remember is that she's going to keep ducking in and out of the castle for who-knows-how-long and I've got to resist trying to coerce her. And in the end there's no guarantees she won't go back in there to stay, so I will keep living my life and we'll see where things go.

Quote:
My H just called me and we had the longest conversation in 7 months. But, I don’t think he is coming out of the castle. He asked me to bring him some money, which means he is going to stay in our vacation home longer. So, I don’t have any hopes right now that anything is changing in my sitch.


I'm not sure if you've read Denver's sitch, but his sitch is an example of just how extreme things can get and still result in reconciliation. I think at one point he was 100% convinced things were done, in fact he was referring to his W as "STBXW". So there's hope as long as you care to hold it in your heart. I had lost all hope myself not too long ago, but I'm starting to see some hope again.

Originally Posted By: Maritimer

How do you handle the thought of your wife dating another man? You must be really strong to agree with this. That will be one of my biggest challenges emotionally.


The frustrating thing for me was not knowing if she was with OM or wasn't. I knew there was an OM, just not how far things had gone. Even to this day I don't know for sure, but people around here kept telling me "if there's an OM at all then it's safe to say there's an A". After suffering with not knowing, I finally asked myself this- "If you were to find out definitively that W is having an A, then how would that change your approach? Is it a deal-killer? Does it change things?" I thought about it a lot and decided that I would still keep DB'ing and that it wasn't a deal killer. W and I were not virgins when we met, both of us had been in previous LTR's. So if we had been with others and yet still loved each other, why couldn't it happen again now? So at that point I just decided to assume there was an A because it was easier to accept that then to keep fretting about it.

Quote:
Great job getting off the anti depressants. Since I have been of mine it feels like a cloud has been lifted.


Thank you and congrats to you too, I read a lot of SSRI forum postings before weaning and it is amazing how many people have severe struggles getting off of them! I am really excited to be done with them smile

Quote:
A fellow biker! Spring is comming slow here in Canada and cant wait to get out on the back roads...It will be my therapy this summer.


Awesome! What do you ride? I have 4 bikes (HD Street Glide, HD Sportster, Buell Lightning, old Honda CB750). All are heavily modded. My favorite for long cruises is the Street Glide. That's the one I take out with my Harley buddies.

Quote:
Thanks for you advice on many of these threads, It really helps the new folks greatly.


You're quite welcome, it's always rewarding to hear I've helped others smile

Quote:
All the best with your situation!


Thank you!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hi AS.

Great to read this. A real ' feel Good' post. Living your life. Like the bit about the gal/180 not being gal/180 anymore. Seems like you're doing well.

An inspiration to us newbies!!

Well done with the A/Ds too!!


M:39, W:35
T:12, M:3 (4y 2013.02.18)
D:9 S:5
2 Dogs
W says she wants D : 2013.01.18

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AS,

I'm glad to hear you have some renewed hope. I was disappointed to hear you talk about just walking away. It's good to have you back!

Like you, I'm looking forward to warmer weather and clean, dry roads to break out my bike. I have a Ducati that I enjoy riding.

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