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Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: Denver_2010] #2325646
02/26/13 11:47 PM
02/26/13 11:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,242
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,242
NY
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
But I wouldn't do it again. It was too hard and too painful. And I was too hard on myself.

Thanks for sharing!
I find the above interesting.
Have you heard of NO PAIN - NO GAIN.

I understand what you are saying that it was hard and PAINFUL but I believe no matter what relationship you would have in the future, with anyone, your wife or someone else, you would eventually have to make those hard changes.

There would be no avoiding them.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: Cadet] #2325908
02/27/13 09:04 PM
02/27/13 09:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 305
Texas
J
Jeack Offline
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Jeack  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 305
Texas
this was a very insiteful thread. I agree with Denver cause i had a second chance a year ago, then held in resent towards my wife because I changed and she didn't at all which is why i'm going thru it again one year later. Cadet is also very true in saying that no matter the relationship changes within need to be made to better yourself.


Me:34
W:26
Together:5yrs
M:6/4/11
1st bomb 11/11
2nd bomb 1/21/13
W files for D 3/18/13
She's living with her mom
S:13 Previous marriage
S:11 Previous marriage
She has OM Previous FWB
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: Jeack] #2329324
03/12/13 10:52 PM
03/12/13 10:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
D
Denver_2010 Offline OP
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Denver_2010  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
I'm sorry that I've disappeared. It is crazy how busy things are right now. Another hindsight revelation... I wish that I had enjoyed the 'life vacation' that I took for 18 months while my W was away. It was a good opportunity to just let my mind rest and I didn't use it.

Anyway, I do want to reply to everything that everyone has posted, and I will. I just can't right now.

Everything is going really well with W. The best that it's been in a couple of months actually.

Thanks for everyone's support. Be back soon!


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: Denver_2010] #2329592
03/13/13 07:07 PM
03/13/13 07:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline
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adinva  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Quote:
Great thread idea, Denver. I think one of the common mistakes that LBSs make is that they take on the ENTIRE BURDEN of trying to "fix" everything, and operate from a basic assumption that they MUST have been a horse-*$%t spouse for their spouse to do this to them.

I would disagree that this is a mistake. I've been told once or twice that I was being too hard on myself and should be aware that this is partially H's fault. Believe me I was aware of that. What I did not have outside of the boards was anyone willing to force me to take a hard look at myself. That's what you get here. When you say they take on the ENTIRE burden I say that is necessary and inevitable because they are the one trying to improve their relationship, the only one. The entire burden that will get picked up, is going to be picked up by them. It's tough but it's life. At the time they join here their WAS is not going to pick up any of the burden, so are you going to make it a game of chicken or are you going to get busy on your own stuff? And no harm in improving things that didn't actually end up being the cause of your WAS. Why do the minimum?

It is not productive to reassure yourself that it's not all your fault. It is productive to stop beating yourself up over your faults and start working on them.

And about it being HARD and PAINFUL and not something you'd go back and do again? Probably 50% of us here are moms, ask us about childbirth one day. I would absolutely do this again if it becomes necessary, and I think you would too. Just my 2 cents.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: adinva] #2329597
03/13/13 07:18 PM
03/13/13 07:18 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 733
T
Tallula Offline
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Tallula  Offline
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Posts: 733
^^^THIS^^^^

No one in my life is telling me to look within (except my AA/Alanon sponcor. That's something not many have here) In fact, anyone who hears I am thinks I'm nuts.

My IC, was floored when I told her that I was taking this time to look at the faults within myself. She sat for a minute, said "Ok, I just have to say, most people in your situation will just be angry and point that the spouse." Later, when I found DR, I told her about it. She is very pro-marriage and honestly, she has more hope for my M than I do at this point. She thinks that H can be faithful one day, due to his willingness to look at himself. Ok...waaaaay off topic....ha

I'm only a 4 months in. Geez...4 months. Seems longer. Anyway, I have no idea how long I will stand, but I'm grateful that I've looked within. So far, I'm better for it.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: Tallula] #2329607
03/13/13 07:33 PM
03/13/13 07:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 847
K
keep_going Offline
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keep_going  Offline
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Posts: 847
I agree with both Ad and Tallula 100%. I also see how I sometimes beat myself up, but I'd rather be there than get stuck in victimhood, like I was.

The reason we look inside is not to fix our marriage, it is so we can fix what is wrong within ourselves so we can improve ALL our relationships, starting with the one with the person looking back at us in the mirror.


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: keep_going] #2329720
03/14/13 01:43 AM
03/14/13 01:43 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,655
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LITB Offline
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LITB  Offline
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Posts: 1,655
I'm willing to bet a high percentage of new members own most, if not all the burden of the collapse of the M/R. I know that I certainly did when I began DB'ing. Now I know better.

I have grown tremendously as a person and my W still finds herself struggling to admit that she has a lot of work in front of her.

Anyhow, there is a BIG difference from a LBS owning a lot of the burden of the collapse of the M/R and a LBS doing the work to look within to address the necessary issues in hopes of a reconciled M/R......without any guarantees. Yeah, it all [censored] and personally, I am a better person today than I was over 2 years ago.

So my changes were necessary and the BIG D motivated me to make changes that otherwise might not have happened.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: LITB] #2329733
03/14/13 02:22 AM
03/14/13 02:22 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
I cannot imagine wanting to work on ME if I had not taken on the one thing I could control, which is me.

I mean, if we try to assess/assign blame too early, we'll wallow in our victimhood. AND when we are the LBSer, it's too easy to do that.

I did put my h not so much on my pedestal but the stupid focus (sorry) on MLC that goes at length about how their childhood causes this is, to me crap.

I had already been to a T for my childhood issues (Essential Experience workshop AND SO DID H!)

so that was sort of a bite of an irrelevant apple. I now think that h convinced himself that what he wanted, he deserved b/c he works hard and always has gotten what he wanted.

When it didn't pay off, he missed us and wanted us back. THE END...far as HE is concerned.

But I had to DO SOMETHING with my life other than wait for him to decide. SO I GAL and I mean, big time GAL.

and worked on me so I'd be happier and much much LESS angry.

That all helped too.

My concern Denver, is not men like you at all. I know you are a better person for this.

My concern is the men who are SO HAPPY to say "it's HER wacky stuff" and women who want to say "My h is in MLC"

and none of them seeing how that keeps them where they are, losing their family. They ought to own up to all they can and work their butts off to become people only a fool would leave,

and later on, assess reality more. That takes time.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2329824
03/14/13 03:30 PM
03/14/13 03:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 497
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Brian in Hville Offline
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Brian in Hville  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 497
What up Denver!!! I hear ya. Though it didn't work out for me and the ex, I did come to realize that it took two people to get to where we were. I put way too much blame on myslef. But at the time, all we wanted was our lives back. Because we went through the DB process, we came out better...Better for ourselves and our future. For that, I would go through it again. But then I didn't have near as much to go through as someone like you or Pete. Nice to hear from you again!

Brian


Me: 39
W: 44
SS 24
SD: 20
M: 13
T: 15
Bomb: 2/16/11
EA: 2/14/11
Papers Signed 4/13/11
Divorced 5/13/11
Re: Thoughts in Hindsight [Re: Brian in Hville] #2329834
03/14/13 04:26 PM
03/14/13 04:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 295
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reb9597 Offline
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 295
Originally Posted By: keep_going
I agree with both Ad and Tallula 100%.


I was in huge victim mode. Still find myself fighting victim status. Maybe it depends on how WAH handled leaving. I worked hard after he left on improving myself and I felt good about the changes I was making. BUT I was challenged here to accept my part and I'm glad for it. My IC didn't challenged me in that way, I actually accused her of that at last appt. Asked her why she didn't point this out to me sooner? (WAH left 8+ months ago!) And she just said I wasn't ready. Maybe I wasn't.

It's never a guarantee that the WAS will do the work necessary to have a thriving marriage. In my case and most, it's not even a guarantee that they'll want to try. I hope, denver, that you continue to have happiness in your M and it will all be worth it in the end.


M: 40
H: 43
D15, D17
M: 22 years
S: 7/12
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