Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[whitneypinch]

Update...
My X just emailed me.
Here is what she wrote:
"Sorry, but I'm going to pass on hanging out".

So... as you can see she has only hung out just for the kids sake.
As all of us know its really hurtful for the kids to hang out with their families as all they do is get false hopes.

I have GOT to cut the contact with my X. !!!!

[JJAC2005]

I know that it feels like it [censored]...basically cause it suck...lol
However, I feel that there will always be hope if you can get to a different technique that works.
I know its tiring...I know the heart can only take so much...perhaps you need to detach more, ha, like I'm the one to talk on that one eh? Anyway, if you were hoping for something when you offered, that’s where you/we get burned....
I would probably agree and cut contact for some time...continue to be strong for the kids....and always improving yourself.
She may or may not developed an interest down the road....

As in my case...I'm encouraged by a few other stories that a coworker just shared with me about 2 of his friends that went thru the same thing. One got back with his wife about a year later , and the other took about 2 years...one of the couples did not share children together (as in my case).
So, there is hope...it does happen...but most of the time it doesn’t happen very fast.
They have to miss us…and they always do (even if they never come back they will always miss us to a degree)
They have to see the changes are permanent and for the better of us as men that they want to spend their lives with.
They have to trust that we will not back slide into what they walked away from.
So having hope for me is not such a bad thing….I’m still fairly confident that someday, we will have that chance again!

[whitneypinch]

JJ,
Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it.

I think I am at the point where I am realizing that my XW will never come back.
As I mentioned we have gone out a few times as a family in the last few weeks.
Then the second I suggest to do something together she turns stone cold.
Its just too hard for me.

I have been so kind and caring towards her for 5 years.
I guess I am just burnt out from constantly being rejected.
I just want to have the joy back of sharing my life with someone who thinks I am awesome.

BTW my XW and I did everything together when we were married.

I just don't see her ever having interest, if she does not have any by now.
She has changed so much.

[JJAC2005]

Man...I am so sorry
I know how that pain feels...I have had it on and off for not yet a full year now, and I don’t know how long I can go, but at this point I'm willing to still stick with it a while longer, and who knows. I completely understand your position and if you haven’t thought about it yet, you have succeeded more than you know if you are where you want and need to be for your own happiness!
I'm still working with a DB coach so, I've got a few things yet to try down the road....right now, I have to become better at detaching...and I can always work on my patience!
Take a break for a while my friend....your love will never die, but I know you can find it best to give what you have left to someone that really can appreciate all the changes you have made to make you the best “you”, you can be!
Good luck and please keep popping up to give me a little input now and then...its been nice to have someone in my corner that knows exactly what I am going thru

[JJAC2005]

Well....its been a while since I have posted.
Not much to share I guess as far as progress...it seems that things have hit a big pause.
I have been laying low since getting into a little hot water of sorts with contacting my step son and nephew for a lunch date after the family had returned from camping.
We had thought that we had permission...or at least I had thought that my step-son had given his mother a heads up...but it didnt happen that way and later that same evening she texted me to inform me that my privileges had been revoked for the remainder of the summer, as for the lunch dates, sleep over’s, activities, or any other contact was off limits for the remainder of the summer.
The boy and I communicated one last time that evening talking about how unfortunate the situation was and that we had to respect the law of the land, even if we really felt we didn’t deserve the punishment handed out..it was still her call.
Too bad….the boy later became so upset that he basically ran away for about an hour or so to cool off and really freaked his mother out.

I had one small conversation the next day with her in an little attempt to clarify that we both didn’t know that she didn’t know, and that it didn’t make any sense that we/I would (mainly me) jeopardize any of the progress we had just been getting since the end of school and beginning of summer…..I know that I should have double checked, but honestly I thought she already had gotten a heads up from the boy, and it was only lunch….

Anyway…it came at the back end of what I had thought was the beginning of some progress as to the ex contacting me w/o provocation as there had been a slew of texting back and for the previous week about running the local 5k’s and an out of town race I did with the dog….as well as her informing me (keeping me posted on her cardiac condition) her having to now where a monitor for the rest of the month to get some readings on her heart rhythms

Its now been a month since we chatted….and I am in no way going to attempt any contact…but I was just starting to do some pondering about the upcoming anniversary date of our divorce, and our wedding later in the end of the month.
We divorced a year ago Aug 22….and our anniversary is Aug. 27th (would be 8 yrs)
Have to say…I’m a bit moody….and emotional as of late….my head seems to still get stuck in a few too many what if’s!
I just came from a golf outing today at a course where my ex and I play just this past father’s day and we had a blast….but then again, I wrecked that day by over thinking, over reacting, and really feel I blew a huge opportunity that night by not staying relaxed…..basing my reactions on how much fun we had together.

I understand that it’s not about the fun times….or the attraction…..or the comfort levels we have for each other.
It’s all about trust….it’s all about how much pain I caused her to feel in her heart….and that wound still needs time to heal.

But if anyone has a few comments or suggestions on anything…I’d love to hear them….just need a little spark to kick me into another gear.
Thanks

[JJAC2005]

I was reviewing a text that my ex sent the other day after pointing out to me that she had bf...
My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes
It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh

Too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

[JJAC2005]

I just thought it was quite convenient that she knew exactly what song fit exactly the right moment when we hadn't talked in a few months.
As you can see....WAW Spouse's still think about things we don't give them credit for....they do check back in their own way!
Reason enough to always look better in every way.

[JJAC2005]

yes, this was a song quote from Bruno Mars....and after listening to it I had to admit, it hurt me to know that this is how she saw it....or still sees my actions as her husband.
Even if, I did get her flowers, hold her hand, do tons of romantic gestures....it just fits the essence of how she saw it as a whole.

[Live4myDay]

JJ, I'm curious. It's been two years from my divorce and XH has been with OW now since the separation. They live in different states and see each other prob 2x a month. However, they have gone on European 10 day excursion and spent 2 week holidays and extended weekends together. How do YOU handle the fact that X is with someone else? I go back and forth with hope and then back again with "look how happy he is without me"... X has no contact with me other than 2 kids S21/D22. D lives with me and he contacts her only...its as if I died. Never mentions me or asks. Completely gone but I still love him and never wanted divorce either. Honestly, sometimes I get just so obsessed with his actions with OW and not his kids. Trying not to go the "I hate him route". Do you know the OM? or anthing of their R?

[JJAC2005]

L4MD...nice of you to drop in.
I'm not sure what the best answer is here, because honestly I do have mixed feelings from day to day. (sometimes our egos play with us).
After I first found out about her dating, I admit I dug around a lot to find anything and everything I could about what, why, when, and how...things that were similar, different, ect.
I will say that I learned a valuable lesson in wondering about it, and that is, our memories are always with them....and their relationship is non of my business, as its not my relationship anymore, its hers, and she is no longer my wife.
And even though I still love her, and care about her in every way, she is an adult that has her own life to live...And my job now is to make my life the best life it can be for me, and if that builds a bridge to a reunion/reconciliation in the future, I think that would be fantastic! Hope can be a great thing, once we truly are detached....
I can take pride in knowing that in my heart and mind that there is absolutely no way that what ever fun they are having at tha moment, its just never going to surpass any of our own past experiences as a family or as a couple, nor can it replace the love bond that we shared.
I gain comfort knowing that for me it seems as though its just an activity of the 2 of them enjoying the moment, and those moments don't carry with it any true reality, such a life together when you come home and have to deal with it....because as sure as the nose on my face, if they had to spend time day to day coming up with ways to get thru even the little things, the pictures would be a bit less fun.
I pray for reconciliation daily....I pray for that heart to soften enough to give us another chance....leave it up to God....and I trust that it will be healed as it should be.

Today, is a very sad day of sorts....as it is the 1st year anniversary of my divorce.....and yes, I cried last night before going to sleep and again this morning with my coffee as I watched the sun come up over the trees.
I would say that this has been the most incredible year of my life ever...I have learned so much and felt so much more than I dreamed possible....I know that my changes are going to be noticed someday by my ex....and that's what I am counting on, that's what gives me hope.