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#2323927 02/21/13 03:34 AM
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Starting a new thread...here's the link the my last.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2319753&page=11

In a nutshell- BD last June; H's mother died in August; H moved out in Nov; been DBing since BD; H has been involved in EA w OW for over a year; H is "in love" w her/ not giving her up.

Sorry, I've been off the radar here for a few days. Been trying to process the latest BD from H.

On Saturday he says he "needs to talk" and tells me #1 He has no intention of giving up his apartment at the end of the 6 months (end of April); #2 He wants his "finanacial freedom" to pay his own bills & not have me be able to see his credit card spending or his cell phone calls, and #3 He is still "in love" w OW and is not willing to let his feelings change.

Quite a lot to take for me. I wasn't shocked at anything he said and I did 90% of the listening. I did cry. It hurt a lot even though it did not shock me.

I asked him WHY if he "cares me for so much" that he treats me like $hit? He said he didn't mean too but thought that if he was nice in any way that I might misread it to be him "coming back" or "regaining his feelings."

He is adament that his feelings for OW will not change and that his feelings for me (not in love) won't either. He's not willing to explore this possibility w me.

I feel so defeated. I feel so hopeless. I really don't know what's left of our M anymore anyway...just a piece of paper, really. I may be done...I just don't know anymore. It really seems like he is completely gone. For over a year now, maybe more.

But, I think HE should be the one who has to "end it" b/c he's the one that has wanted this the whole time, not me. I want him to own this to the end. I want him to say it's over.

I'm tired of being treated like nothing. I deserve more, better. I deserve happiness, respect, and I deserve to find myself again!

I find myself crying as I write this, which is why I've haven't been here in a couple of days. But now, I need help. Encouragement. Direction. Advice.

ANyone??? ruby? Tori? labug? Tallula? sucker? AS? others????


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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Oh, and just found out last week SIL (H's sister) has breast cancer & has to go thru 4 months of chemo then get a complete masectomy.

FIL (H's dad) is having brain surgery on Friday (not cancer) & should be okay in the long run.

And, H's aunt is in hospital for tests which turn out to be lymphoma.

TO MUCH FOR ONE FAMILY TO DEAL WITH!!! I THINK H WILL BE LOST FOREVER AS HIS FAMILY IS LITERALLY FALLING APART!!!


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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Posts: 2,077
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Lil'G, I'm so sorry to hear of your recent pain. I know it hurts and you deserve so much better, but It sounds like H is going to be lost for quite a while still. The only thing you can do is detach and let him go. Work on your plan for you and the boys.

Cry, scream, punch some pillows. Let it all out. Then sit down and write up your plan. The plan with H out of the picture.

You are a strong woman, you can do this.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thanks, FY. Sounds like a good idea. And you are right, H will be lost for a long while more.


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,924
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GTO I am sorry to hear this. All I can say is to breathe and then breathe some more!
For me this whole thing is like waling around with a knife in my stomach, with someone else in the picture (my W has someone she had/has an EA with and doesnt want to give up also) makes it feel like someone took that knife and is twisting it and pushing it in deeper. Sorry this is my pain and I feel yours too.
The things I believe in most from all of the amazing advice on here is this:
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
GAL and make yourself the best person you can be.
Become a spouse that your H would be crazy to leave.
Don't peruse

There is sooo much more that I like, but those are what is driving me right now.

I honestly emempathize with you, I KNOW it hurts!
Hang in there!!!


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
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Sorry littleGTO, that is a really rough thing to hear, really awful. I can remember about the halfway point where my H reiterated that he hadn't changed his mind one bit, and he too was quite clear about how careful he was being to not get my hopes up at all or raise any expectations by acting like he cared or being nice. I know it hurts just like BD all over again.

It sound like you need to go darker and really start living your life right now the way you deserve. What's stopping you? Aside from dating and starting new relationships, what else does living your life look like? Where will you get your happiness and respect, and how are you going to find yourself? Why wait for some sign from H before doing that?


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva #2323964 02/21/13 08:29 AM
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little GTO,

Adinva is right.

This sort of story is what most seem to say.

They are completely done; will never change; don't want to have anything more to do with us because it will give us false hope; blah, blah, blah.

It's standard.

Some of them change their minds, nevertheless. You know this will take a long long time for him to work though.

In the meantime, keep on your path. Have hope for yourself and the new, different and better life that you are going to lead.

We're right here with you. And we know how hard it is.

NLW #2323967 02/21/13 10:11 AM
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GTO, I hope you start feeling better soon. What your talking about is part of my struggle. Truly letting them go and knowing they may actually leave, is a painful struggle. However until we really let go and allow ourselves to heal we cannot move forward. We cannot have a healthy relationship with them until we have a healthy relationship with ourselves. Find a way to detach, for me it's a group of men I trust, that I can tell them things I have told no one before in my life. Fears and doubts that I tried to control yet I could not. The group I'm in is Celebrate Recovery and it has saved me. My relationship with my wife may recover at some point in the future but it will never recover until I am healthy. I hope my struggles helps you in some small way. I am now starting to claw my way out of this pit of muck and sludge called self doubt and loathing. Good luck GTO, I am here shouting and encouraging you to crawl with me.


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
subguy #2323969 02/21/13 11:24 AM
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GTO I am sorry you had to hear this awfulness.

What you are hearing is standard script I believe.

I asked him WHY if he "cares me for so much" that he treats me like $hit? He said he didn't mean too but thought that if he was nice in any way that I might misread it to be him "coming back" or "regaining his feelings."

He is adament that his feelings for OW will not change and that his feelings for me (not in love) won't either. He's not willing to explore this possibility w me.


For some reason their minds will 'never change' yet funnily enough they said the same things to us when they decided to marry us.

And the thing about them not being nice for fear WE will be misled? To be honest? I am starting to think that if they allowed themselves to be nice, they are the ones that might start rethinking their decisions about us. They are afraid to connect. Being cold and adamant with us makes it easier for them to stick with their decisions about OW/OM I think. When they are cold and adamant , they expect us to react in a negative, pleading, angry way....and that justifies their position even more in their heads.

So don't let how he is affect you at all. Respond to him in the way you would respond to a neighbor because that is just who you are...a kind and compassionate person.

It may take awhile GTO.

Try not to let his hurtful words get absorbed into your system. There may be more to come still and you need to work on YOU. HIs actions are NOT a reflection of you right now. This is all him. Let him go.

I know easier said than done. I am still working on it myself and I am in 2.5.

Love you GTO.


((((((((( )))))))))


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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GTO, I'm so sorry this is where you find yourself. I will echo what the others said about the "script". My H said similar things a week after BD.

You are a strong woman & great mom! I still think that the believe none of what they say & half of what they do applies here. Keep focused on you & the positives in your life.

Big hugs!!!


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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