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#2322983 02/17/13 02:41 AM
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Mileus Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...897#Post2315897

I hope that is the link to my original post, it should be. I haven't posted in a bit. Quick update.

My fiancee and I have been together for almost 14 years. We have 3 children together. 20D 19S and 16S (autistic). They are actually hers from a previous marriage, but I have raised them on my own.

One month ago, I found out she was having an affair. She was sleeping with a guy in the city she works (about an hour drive) and spent the night sometimes (I thought she was with a friend -- I was so trusting.) She refused to end it and moved out. After a few days, she came back.

I was DBing the whole time. My goals were going great (I've lost 18 pounds, work out, hang out with the kids more, etc.) We were hanging out more, talking, and things seemed to be going well. Then I found out she was still in contact with him. I told her it had to stop or we wouldn't be able to truly heal.

She left again. She said she had to see him and would come back. On the 13th. I got angry and told her not to bother she should move out. It was stupid because now she's gone. She wanted to come back and forth while she decided, but I said that was unacceptable. I guess that was the right decision, but it feels wrong.

She was gone for 3 days and I did everything wrong. It was like I forgot everything I had been doing DB wise. It was much worse the second time because she became so cold and distant and acted like it was my fault. She told her dad and it just feels permanent.

I am back to no calling or texting, now, but I wonder if I've done too much damage over the last 3 days. I'm afraid I just drove them closer. Today was her first time back to see the kids in 4 days and she only stayed an hour. She came while I was out with our youngest and didn't wait for him to get home. Our middle son was at work, so she only saw one of them.

She is supposed to be moving out, but only took the expensive jewelry, her coins and stamps, some pictures. She left quite a mess. I was incredibly angry that she didn't spend more time with the kids and isn't coming back til Tuesday. I called her and said it wasn't enough. She needs to spend at least as much time with her own kids as she does with his.

Then, I told her that she has been an absent mother for years, (She has always struggled with depression but has been real deep since her mom killed herself a few years ago.) She has cried several times and swore she would get herself together. Our two oldest also struggle with depression. I believe my exact words were "You swore to be a better mother. You have two depressed children and one who is autistic. You can't see them for 1 hour a week when you are out of work and only 45 minutes away. Be better now." I even offered to leave the house when she comes over.

I feel justified in that. I told her she could hurt me however she wanted, I could take it, but she needed to be there for them. That really pissed her off. Then I told her how I had been there for 14 years, etc, etc. and how much she betrayed me. I know it was unhelpful, but its like I was possessed. I texted her later to apologize for the outburst and explained that I have been unable to sleep (about 4 hours a night -- I keep waking up at 4 and can't get to bed at night.) and I was hurt and worried and that I would work on communicating better.

She, of course, did not respond. So, my questions...

How bad did I screw up? (Semi-rhetorical)

How do I get her to spend time with the kids? I know she should be here more. At this point, I would give her up forever if it meant she could be there for them. As much as I love her, she isn't more important than them.

What now? The kids don't know she left for another man. I don't feel it's my place to tell them and I don't want them to hurt, but they suspect and ask about it. I don't like lying and wish she would come clean.

How can I be happy when she's around and DB when she's not around? She said, doesn't matter since you can't believe it. But I thought she was open to us. Now she says she definitely is not.

I felt like she was having trouble leaving and suddenly, BAM, it was easy. Sorry this was so long. It's been a rough, poorly reacted 4 days.


M: 38 H: 39
D: 20
S: 18
S: 16
T: 14 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013
Came Back 01/15/2013
Left Again 02/13/2013
Mileus #2323462 02/19/13 05:03 PM
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I think it is wonderful that you are being a hands on dad to the kids. That is what you need to continue to do, they need you more than ever. You can't change her, just your reaction to her. Don't worry about 3 days...that is a drop in the bucket..but do get yourself back on track, for yourself, your kids and for the chance to do things in a way that could get through to her. I suggest you talk to a DB coach to help you come up with a specific pland and to stay strong. They are experts and wonderful in guiding you and could make all the difference in the outcome. Take good care.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
KarenR #2324120 02/21/13 09:00 PM
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You having boundaries is not the issue.

The issue is that she is sleeping with another man.

Do not be an option. Be the only choice.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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How can I be the only choice when she's gone?

I know to continue my 180s and work on goals, but I feel like she has completely checked out. I don't feel like she'll ever see the edge of the fog.

Between her depression and pot use, recent but heavy user now, I think she found someone she relates to. He lost his wife and is also a smoker. At his house, there is no stress from the kids. She doesn't have to deal with their problems or my son's autism. It's easy to be there.

When she comes home, it's awkward because the kids barely want to speak to her. I tried to explain that if she came home more often that would change. They need to know she isn't picking him and his kids over them, but she doesn't get it or doesn't care right now.

I try to be pleasant. I make a few jokes around the kids, try not to be in the room with her, but it's only an hour or two a week. I guess if I just keep being pleasant, maybe she'll come more often.

She still has a lot of stuff in my house. She "officially" left 2 weeks ago today. I don't want to give her a final push out, but her stuff is scattered everywhere now. Should I suggest she get a Uhaul and just finish or wait it out? I could use the space for my daughter, but I feel like when she takes the rest of her stuff, that's it.


M: 38 H: 39
D: 20
S: 18
S: 16
T: 14 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013
Came Back 01/15/2013
Left Again 02/13/2013
Mileus #2325775 02/27/13 03:02 PM
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Perhaps you should check out and let her feel the full responsibility of being a single mom. All of it.

When I say check out. I mean. Go take a break away from everyone and get all your ducks in a row.

Let her run the house, children, everything.

You take a break to replenish the jets for the upcoming days. Make sure your children understand it is to gain some well needed rest and is temporary.

Are you going to push for full custody of the children and child support ?


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Mileus Offline OP
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I thought about it, but I can't do that to them. They are so angry with her right now. I did have to talk to her yesterday because I was filling out lawyer paperwork and I asked her to consider coming down a couple nights a week and staying with the kids so I could go out. I even offered to sleep on the couch if she needed to stay over.

It's just to go to the comic store and play Magic, but I'd pretty much given that up over the last year to take care of the family and I'd like to get back into it.

Unfortunately, she's been gone for 2 weeks and has only been down 3 times. I'm not sure I would be comfortable leaving her with the kids on her own. She's still in depression and drinks and smokes pot too much. (This really started when she met this guy.) Even before she left, she had trouble being with all 3 at the same time. She wasn't abusive, she just had trouble staying calm when things got stressful.

And as much as the kids miss her and are angry that she's gone, the two oldest have both told me that it's calmer with her gone. It's not easy living with a depressed person. The only one who really needs watching is my youngest, he's 16 but autistic so I don't like to leave him home alone and its hard for his brother and sister to watch him for long because he won't listen to them. I really do better with him than she does, a lot better.

I will be going for full custody of him and child support. She has agreed to let me adopt him, all 3 are her kids from her 1st marriage, but I have raised them as my own for 14 years. It's like she moved an hour away and just checked out.

As far as a break, I go out Wednesday after work with some coworkers, and have been trying to go somewhere Friday on my own. If I go out after he falls asleep, then the older kids can stay and make sure he's safe. (He is hard to wake with his meds.) Then Saturday and Sunday I do family things, flea market, movies, barbeque. This week we're going to the Medieval Fair Sat. and Frisbee Golf with my brother on Sun. He says it's fun, we'll see.

And as far as checking out, I guess I just find being there for the kids very fulfilling. I'm not sure I wan't a break. When she does come, I'd like her to feel relaxed and enjoy the kids, not be overwhelmed so she can't wait to leave. I don't know if that's right or not, but I feel she knows I won't abandon them, so she's not scared to leave.


M: 38 H: 39
D: 20
S: 18
S: 16
T: 14 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013
Came Back 01/15/2013
Left Again 02/13/2013
Mileus #2326461 03/01/13 07:24 PM
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ahh thought she was living at home.

Well then I suggest you work towards full custody and child support.

Perhaps that will wake her up. If not then she has the consequences of not being in their lives any more due to her poor choices. Do what is best for those children and yourself.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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