After a much needed hiatus from the board, I'm back and I wanted to update you fine folks.
Rather than go into a long and drawn-out recap of the last few months, I'll just sum it up as best as I can.
I decided I needed a break from visiting this board for a few reasons. One was simply that I needed to get a new perspective on my life and felt I was spinning my wheels a bit on this forum. As there was no real "progress" on my situation, I found myself simply rehashing things a bit too much. Another reason is I felt that I was becoming a little too reliant on the advice and camaraderie here. I GREATLY appreciated (and still do) everyone who took the time to read and comment on my posts, but I feared that I was going down a path that I was paralyzing myself by needing to ask advice on every little thing... and reassurances that my actions were going to take me down the right path. And finally, I knew I needed to take my GAL to the next level, and dwelling on my situation on these boards was, at least in some small part, keeping me back from that.
So I've been doing just that... GALing just as hard as I can. I've made a few new friends, become much closer with some, and caught back up with a few people I'd lost touch with. I've been taking more "risks" and trying a lot of new things. I'm training for my first race and doing a LOT of new writing. I've even been working on a screenplay treatment that's gaining some actual traction out in L.A. and there's a chance that it's going to get picked up by a studio and actually produced!
And while all of this is happening, I've obviously been doing a lot of thinking about my situation... And I'm coming to some uncomfortable, but necessary conclusions.
It's been almost exactly a year since this whole thing really hit. And it's been months since I've had any meaningful contact with W. (The only contact we've had is work-related, with her occasionally throwing in a quick update on the goings on in her life). Honestly, it's becoming clear to me that the hopes of a reconciliation are practically zero. And the cryptic "We need to talk very soon about some stuff" email I got a few hours ago seems to confirm these suspicions.
The weird part is, I KNOW that my life will go on. I've already been able to find some new happiness in my life without W, and I know that one way or another, I'm going to not only be fine, but prosper thanks to all of the things that DB has taught me.
I even have been considering starting the D paperwork on my own. Because I'm having a hard time convincing myself that there's anything left to fight for... She's still with OM, quite possibly has moved in with him, there's almost no contact between us, and there have been zero signs of any kind of thaw in this situation.
Some days, I'm convinced that D is for the best... that she'll be happier and I'll be happier. And some days, like today (after getting that email) I can't see giving up, no matter how long the odds become...
But again... I'm having a hard time continuing to fight for something that seems so impossible...
Thanks for reading. I'm sure I'll be around more often.
Welcome back! Good to hear from you! I totally understand your need to get away for a while, and it sounds like you used the time productively. Congrats on your new GAL activities! Regarding the email from your W, good luck with the conversation. It sounds like you're in a good mental place for the convo regardless of what it may be about.
Thanks for the responses Bug and Stander. I'm definitely in a better mental place than I've been in a long time. And I am seeing the other sides of this situation more clearly than ever. So although I can't say it doesn't still sting and my DESIRE for reconciliation is still there and strong, I'm also seeing that my life will go on either way, and my happiness is all but assured for me so long as I continue working on me.
I'll keep you updated on the call tonight, although it's pretty easy to guess what it'll be about. I already know what I plan on saying in response to a request for D (which will be similar to what I said all those months ago), but this time, I'll be in a place where my mind is more clear than it was then, and coming from a place of knowledge that I'll be just fine either way.
Good luck with the call, Alk. "Ask nothing . . . expect nothing" was what I was always told about such calls, and I think that's about right. I think you want to continue to convey a "Hey, this isn't what I wanted, but I now know I'll be just fine" vibe.
I'll say a prayer for you -- you can handle this!!!
Thanks Starsky! The best part is I won't be faking the "Hey, this isn't what I wanted, but I now know I'll be just fine" vibe anymore... This will actually be the first time that we've spoke where I KNOW that to be true. I'm sure that will come across in my delivery.
And thank you much for the prayer and the confidence in me. It's greatly appreciated!
I feel like a boxer that's just popped up from an 8 count, ready to start swinging again and knowing that hitting the canvas as the best thing that could have happened.
As usual, last night's call didn't go according to script. As it's been three months since we spoke, I knew it would be hard to keep it short and business like. While that didn't happen, and I sobbed like a child shortly after hanging up the phone, I count it as a victory.
Again, trying to keep this recap short, I'll do my best to simply sum it all up. The conversation started right off discussing some financial matters that were very quickly resolved. Then, W launched into a "It's been 9 months since we seperated now, and I think it's time that we just get this over with. I don't want the fact that we're technically married to hold you back from your life and your happiness."
That was the theme of the next 20 minutes or so. W spinning the D as something that will help ME get to happiness, saying I needed to find someone who loves me as much as I love them, finding someone that will fight harder for me than she did... etc etc etc. I calmly thanked her for her concern, but let her know that I was very capable of looking out for my own best interests and choosing who I love and who I fight for.
She then asked me, point blank, what I wanted. I told her that nothing had changed as far as my opinion since the last time we talked. That I was living my life, growing and finding happiness every day. That I believe in myself, in her and in our marriage, and I wouldn't be a part of dissolving that. I let her know that I wouldn't stand in the way of her decision, but as it wasn't something I wanted, I wouldn't help either. She stayed silent for a few moments before telling me, through many tears, that she just wanted to let me know that she was planning on getting the paperwork started. She didn't want to blindside me. She asked if I wanted to come up to Central Florida to sign it, and I told her I'd prefer that she just mail it to me... which disappointed her, but she agreed to do that.
Right then, I decided to get off the phone. I thanked her for calling and giving me the heads up. She asked if I was angry at her, and I told her that I have no anger in my heart for her, as her happiness is important to me. I told her that I realize that nothing I can say or do will change her mind or her way of thinking, but I wasn't giving up. I thanked her again and went to hang up.
Then she asked me to stick around for a minute, as she wanted to explain some things. She spent the next 10 minutes or so rehasing the issues that she had with our relationship... and the funny part is, NONE of them actually had to do with ME... they were all regarding how hard it was to get along with certain members of my family, how she didn't like living in South Florida, and how she missed her friends. I couldn't help but ask if she could tell me something about ME or US that made her unhappy, as her list of things were all external... she said that she couldn't... but all that external stuff was 50%... that the other half was we never had time to "Just Be"...
Knowing that I was slipping into a trap, I changed the subject to something I needed to ask her about work, then tried to get off the phone again, when she launched into updates on her life, her school, her new career choices and a story about how her best friend is now divorced after a 3 year marriage and is already dating someone else.
I shot a little dagger in that part of the conversation, which may have been a mistake, saying that in my opinion, it's awfully hard to grow as a person after a relationship if someone just gets right into another one. She asked if I was jabbing at her, and I simply said that I wasn't standing in judgement, as everyone deals differently, just stating my opinion.
She asked about how I was doing and what was going on in my life, and I gave her a cliff-notes version, before finally telling her that I HAD to get off the phone. By this point, she was crying heavily again and asked me to "Please tell me something bad. Anything. I can't leave it like this." I told her that I really couldn't think of anything "Bad" to tell her, as things were going well... jokingly I said "Well, You're still in Central Florida with OM... so that's bad". She laughed through her tears and thanked me for being me... told me that she really wishes she could hate me, but she can't. I thanked her for calling and hung up the phone.
And broke the F down crying like a child... It was cathartic and beautiful, and it reminded me of what I was fighting so hard for... ME.
A few minutes later, she emailed me yet another song that she said she'd been wanting to send for a long time, but felt it was the right time now. It's called "Six Degrees of Separation" by the Script. And unlike the other songs she's sent me, this one isn't really open to much interpretation... It's a song of regret about a failing relationship... And knowing her as well as I do, I (mind-read) that it's her way of crying out for help without facing the issue and actually saying it...
Which is an issue that I can't get over. It's a condition of any reconciliation that communication lines are more open and less ethereal... But it may not matter at all as she's still going through with the paperwork.
So that's it. I'm still here. And I'm going to continue fighting for me and fighting for this relationship... if nothing else, the conversation reminded me of WHY.
I feel like a boxer that's just popped up from an 8 count, ready to start swinging again and knowing that hitting the canvas as the best thing that could have happened.
As usual, last night's call didn't go according to script. As it's been three months since we spoke, I knew it would be hard to keep it short and business like. While that didn't happen, and I sobbed like a child shortly after hanging up the phone, I count it as a victory.
Again, trying to keep this recap short, I'll do my best to simply sum it all up. The conversation started right off discussing some financial matters that were very quickly resolved. Then, W launched into a "It's been 9 months since we seperated now, and I think it's time that we just get this over with. I don't want the fact that we're technically married to hold you back from your life and your happiness."
That was the theme of the next 20 minutes or so. W spinning the D as something that will help ME get to happiness, saying I needed to find someone who loves me as much as I love them, finding someone that will fight harder for me than she did... etc etc etc. I calmly thanked her for her concern, but let her know that I was very capable of looking out for my own best interests and choosing who I love and who I fight for.
She then asked me, point blank, what I wanted. I told her that nothing had changed as far as my opinion since the last time we talked. That I was living my life, growing and finding happiness every day. That I believe in myself, in her and in our marriage, and I wouldn't be a part of dissolving that. I let her know that I wouldn't stand in the way of her decision, but as it wasn't something I wanted, I wouldn't help either. She stayed silent for a few moments before telling me, through many tears, that she just wanted to let me know that she was planning on getting the paperwork started. She didn't want to blindside me. She asked if I wanted to come up to Central Florida to sign it, and I told her I'd prefer that she just mail it to me... which disappointed her, but she agreed to do that.
Right then, I decided to get off the phone. I thanked her for calling and giving me the heads up. She asked if I was angry at her, and I told her that I have no anger in my heart for her, as her happiness is important to me. I told her that I realize that nothing I can say or do will change her mind or her way of thinking, but I wasn't giving up. I thanked her again and went to hang up.
Then she asked me to stick around for a minute, as she wanted to explain some things. She spent the next 10 minutes or so rehasing the issues that she had with our relationship... and the funny part is, NONE of them actually had to do with ME... they were all regarding how hard it was to get along with certain members of my family, how she didn't like living in South Florida, and how she missed her friends. I couldn't help but ask if she could tell me something about ME or US that made her unhappy, as her list of things were all external... she said that she couldn't... but all that external stuff was 50%... that the other half was we never had time to "Just Be"...
Knowing that I was slipping into a trap, I changed the subject to something I needed to ask her about work, then tried to get off the phone again, when she launched into updates on her life, her school, her new career choices and a story about how her best friend is now divorced after a 3 year marriage and is already dating someone else.
I shot a little dagger in that part of the conversation, which may have been a mistake, saying that in my opinion, it's awfully hard to grow as a person after a relationship if someone just gets right into another one. She asked if I was jabbing at her, and I simply said that I wasn't standing in judgement, as everyone deals differently, just stating my opinion.
She asked about how I was doing and what was going on in my life, and I gave her a cliff-notes version, before finally telling her that I HAD to get off the phone. By this point, she was crying heavily again and asked me to "Please tell me something bad. Anything. I can't leave it like this." I told her that I really couldn't think of anything "Bad" to tell her, as things were going well... jokingly I said "Well, You're still in Central Florida with OM... so that's bad". She laughed through her tears and thanked me for being me... told me that she really wishes she could hate me, but she can't. I thanked her for calling and hung up the phone.
And broke the F down crying like a child... It was cathartic and beautiful, and it reminded me of what I was fighting so hard for... ME.
A few minutes later, she emailed me yet another song that she said she'd been wanting to send for a long time, but felt it was the right time now. It's called "Six Degrees of Separation" by the Script. And unlike the other songs she's sent me, this one isn't really open to much interpretation... It's a song of regret about a failing relationship... And knowing her as well as I do, I (mind-read) that it's her way of crying out for help without facing the issue and actually saying it...
Which is an issue that I can't get over. It's a condition of any reconciliation that communication lines are more open and less ethereal... But it may not matter at all as she's still going through with the paperwork.
So that's it. I'm still here. And I'm going to continue fighting for me and fighting for this relationship... if nothing else, the conversation reminded me of WHY.
There. Fixed it for you.
Seriously, Alk, you handled that great. ESPECIALLY the first half. I mean, that was a real "A+/4-Whistles thing right there, and UNDER DURESS, too. You impress the hell outta me, man.
You'll be fine, and I actually don't think you two are done yet. A divorce may have to happen first, I dunno, but she still respects you and doesn't seem to have the courage of her convictions about her decision. I see you two getting back together a couple of years down the line, I really do.
And of course, I could be all wrong.
Tip a glass tonite to yourself, and a job well-done. I know this [censored], but you can hold your head high, bro.
Good to hear from you! I totally understand your need to get away for a while, and it sounds like you used the time productively. Congrats on your new GAL activities! Regarding the email from your W, good luck with the conversation. It sounds like you're in a good mental place for the convo regardless of what it may be about.
