Time and tide...

[JustStunned]

2, I’ve only read the last few pages. My X cut off anyone that did not take her side and has consistently pushed family and friends to take her side. She continues to seek solace and justification for her decision. These efforts cause pain and most of the family has had enough. She is not a happy camper. She does not know how to be.

There comes a point when one needs to leave the drama and those that cause it behind and focus on building up ourselves using what is left as a starting point.

There is no good reason not to continue these relationships. There are many arguments for continuing these relationships.

Yeah it is difficult at first, and sometimes painful. Perhaps that is one of the reasons they don’t. I submit that is exactly why we should.

I agree there is no reason to go into detail.

[Accuray]

2TP,

I don't see the value in withholding details from friends. This is not a short term thing and the experience is now part of you. There is no shame in it -- it just "is".

You need support, let your friends be there for you. Embrace it, the journey has shaped who you are and who you will be from here forward.

Accuray

[littleGTO]

2,
I agree w others who have posted about your dilemma w your friends' email.

I used to think the more people that know the more "in stone" this becomes, the more "real." It honestly felt good that people who were close to me after I told them. They have been so supportive, as I believe your friends would be too.

Don't give any details for now. You can always tell them more later if you want to.

Good luck!

[JustStunned]

No not withholding.

Determine what your comfort level is.

There is a difference between broadcasting and withholding.

YMMV. I was satisfied with stating fact, not broadcasting, answering questions factually as I perceived them, always careful to include that my facts, were my truth, from my point of view. Avoid the negative and remain factual.

Your truth is where you find yourself and how you perceive it. Others truth is colored by their perceptions.

[adinva]

I found it dissatisfactory to just have the facts without context. My sisters in law have been told nothing but H lives in another town. I've struggled with the lack of closeness that comes from being so vague and unbiased. They think I left him, or really who knows what they think, because they seem to be trying to let me reveal what I'm willing to, and I'm waiting for them to just ask.

So figure out what you want to be known, and tell that. You don't have to trash her, but don't go too far out of your way to protect their image of her because in doing that you'll sacrifice your closeness to your friends. I think you need that closeness.

That's just my experience and how I'd apply it to your sitch, I'm obviously still figuring this all out too.

[2thepoint]

I appreciate the ideas on dealing with the friend's email. Here's a little more context that was perhaps lacking in my original post on the topic. The friends consist of a man who works with my W, (they both telecommute). So he started out as a work friend for her and eventually evolved into close family friends. His W is a nice girl but my W doesn't care for her because she finds her too needy and annoying. I'm not bothered by her at all, perhaps because I'm more adaptable to people. Who knows?

So you have the dynamic of friends who started out close to my W, then became close to both of us. My W would just as soon ditch them both as is her habit. So, it really is on me to either let the friendship die or try to resurrect it in some new and different form. I prefer to resurrect the friendship but then struggle with the idea of unintentionally putting them in a position to choose between me and my W, much like her family.

I've seen it said here many times to be careful of disclosing too much or trashing the WAS for fear of it cementing things from which there is no hope of return. I've been very careful in this regard. What I choose to disclose will not be in the form of blame although as time goes on, it gets harder to maintain due to how I always felt people would come to conclusions about the sitch that were completely inaccurate.

Anyway, I guess I will share just the basics and see where things go from there., I really do value the friendship and hope it doesn't come to an end. It has been a year since there has been any contact with these people so I need to apologize for the absence as well.

[keep_going]

2-

You have a lot of good feedback and advice going on here!

I personally used to fear the same as LittleGTO. That the more I shared, the more "definite" things became. It's not true. I have also always had issues with showing vulnerability and to me, sharing my situation and my pain meant that I would need to open up and show some of that vulnerability. I also feared people's reactions - would they reject me, my H, judge, etc. I was pregnant when H left, so I feared people thinking the worst of me, because after all, who would leave a pregnant woman, right?

All of the above - was just FEAR. Once I finally figured out the reasons why I was uncomfortable sharing, I was able to work through my fears and overcome them. The support I have found from those I chose to share with, which were only close people I could trust, has been invaluable. In fact, I know that I would have not made it without the support I have received and I am so grateful I allowed myself to be open, do a 180 and accept love and support from others.

I hope our experiences help you to at least feel like you are not alone, and hopefully also help you figure out the best approach for you in this situation.

[adinva]

I think the context was more meaningful to you than it seems to me as an objective observer. I think it was on you from the beginning to be friends with people you like, and it's still on you now.

If she's ditched them both, or not, or why, shouldn't really have any bearing on you separately being in contact with them if you like them.

You aren't really going to get to pick whose side they end up on, so you're not doing W a disservice or anything by reaching out to them as people you like. You're not doing W a favor or anything by not reaching out to them. They'll form their own opinions and be close to you, or not, for their own reasons.

The only outcome you might control is that they won't be close to you anymore if you don't reach out to them. It seems worth it to me to go be friendly with them.

I'm getting ready to contact a couple I haven't heard from in 12 years, because I keep thinking about them and how much I liked them and how interesting they were. I haven't heard from them because they were "H's friends from high school" and not "my friends" and when they seemed to drift away from H I didn't feel like it was my place to try to connect with them. Now I'm puzzled why I acted like that, and I'm going to see if I can find them.

When I do, they may reject me because they're "H's friends and not mine" even though they've been out of touch with him for a dozen years. It's worth a shot. Until I reach out to them they're definitely not my friends; if I do reach out, they might be and I might like having them back in my life. Most likely we'll reconnect for an hour or trade FB messages and drift apart again but I think I would like to at least let them know I'd like to hang out with them. I feel like that's kind of similar to your friends.

[bustorama]

Yep, 2tp. I hid our marital crisis from family first and many friends later. For reasons I know you understand. And for a LONG time -- in some cases not disclosed until absolutely forced to (friends coming to visit and stay with me --- ummmm, where's your W? where's all her stuff?).

There was a close circle I had disclosed to. But, I can tell you, it was so cathartic when I peeled the curtains back and let the sun shine on it. And let my friends BE my friends. They will understand your absence -- when you tell them.

[2thepoint]

So I opened the friends email and was relieved to see the following comments:

"We miss you guys though. Summer is fast approaching. I wanted to check in and see if you had any plans...

You guys are always welcome up here if you want to come by sometime or we could come down if you guys were up to it. We are game for anything. Just really miss all of you. Let us know if you feel like getting together sometime. If not, we respect that. Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that we are still thinking about you all."

Reading that, I felt encouraged and responded as follows:

"It is great to hear from you! I am sorry for being so silent for such a long period of time....

I am sad to report though that W and I have been having marital problems and have been separated for quite awhile now. It has been a painful time for both of us and frankly, the stigma attached to such an event really makes it difficult to reach out. I don't know where we will end up, divorced or reconciled, but it has been a long and painful process and thus we seem to have fallen off the map.

I have been thinking about you guys a lot and have really been torn about not seeing you since a year ago January. It has just been such a difficult time and I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I am very glad that you reached out though because I was afraid our friendship would have died and that would have been a sad day."

I was relieved to have finally gotten that out and was not sure what kind of response I would receive. Then I got this:

"Dude!!! So glad you replied. I was kind of thinking our friendship may have already died and I was struggling to figure out why. Sorry to hear about you and W. To tell you the truth I kind of suspected there might be issues between the two of you. Not the kind of thing I wanted to come out and ask about. I could understand W's silence but couldn't figure out why I hadn't heard anything from you. At any rate, I'm glad you were forthcoming about it...

Hopefully you two can work things out. We are friends of both of you regardless if you are together or not. No choosing sides here. So feel free to reach out to us anytime...."

Well, as you can see, that turned out pretty well. I'm glad he reached out and happy that I responded. One less monkey on my back!!!