As I re-read through DR, I got to chapter 9 "Putting it all together" and thought maybe I should just write out my steps as well and then can use that for feedback and monitoring results.
So here we go.
Step 1: Unlearning
Realizing that my way was/is not all ways the best/right way. Could not tell you how many times my wife would come to me "nagging/b*^$@ing" about things whether it be about issues with work, the kids, bills, her schooling, or anything. I would never see her side of what it is she is telling me and never validated her feeling. In matter of fact I would either be trying to guess what she is going to say next since I heard it 100 times before or I would offer a "fix-it" solution.
Step 2: What I want
Goal 1: I want my wife to recommit to our marriage
My wife will wear her wedding rings again
My wife will be open to going out on dates with me
my wife will be comfortable in talking with me about personal issues or even issues within our marriage
Goal 2: We will be happy together (borrowed this from the DR book but all the points are what I would like as well)
We Will go out once a week and spend quality time as a couple
Step 3: Asking for what I want Right now is not a good time for this since my wife wants time and space at the moment and right now would not be good to ask anything of/from her
Step 4: Cheeseless tunnels
Well not much that I have been doing except doing what I should not which is begging, pleading, apologizing for my wrongs. Also trying to convince her to work on our marriage and trying to remind her that she is the better person than I was to honor her vows of marriage. I will stop persuing and persuading her.
Step 5: Experiment
I'm going to be focusing on 180's for this step and monitoring progress.
Working on my list of 180's as I try and recall all the things she had faults with in our marriage.
WOW you have it all setup. I have to reread or should I say finish reading the DB book. My problem is I get so many books and I start to read them and dont finish.So I am making a promise here and now. Im going to start to re-read the book from the begining and will not stop till im done.
Thanks for posting things the way you did it has motivated me
Well before I go ahead and fill in some of step 5 I just want to take the time to catch up on what's going on since I have been away the past couple of days not only working on myself but backsliding as well.
So Friday my W and her 2 cousins were headed out of state to see her uncle who was dying of cancer, unfortunately they didn't get to make it in time and he passed away during their ride out there. I offered my condolence and told my wife that if she needed someone to talk to that I was here for her. My wife said though that she would let me know when she got to the hospital that way I know they made it safely. Unfortunately she never messaged me when she got there and honestly I didn't really expect to to since she worked 8 hours in the morning then left immediately to drive 8-9hours to head out of state. So I figured she would just be tired. But around 2pm my wife messages me and asks if I got paid last week because no money was deposited into her account. Since with this new job I just have my child support directly deposited that way no one can ever say that I didn't pay it.
I will admit it does get me angry that my wife only messages me when she needs something or for money. But I was kind and polite in my responses back and said that no I didn't, but that is the reason why I gave her extra cash last week for last week and this week support. And that was pretty much the end of the Convo.
Here's the ugly/backsliding part. For the past 2 months on the weekends I have my daughter I take all 4 of my kids roller skating as a way to get out and do something fun but also as a form of exercise since its cold out here in PA most days. Well since this was not a normal weekend to have her I figured we could go do something different like bowling, but my ball and shoes and stuff at at the house. So since my W has been letter her brother stay over for the past 2 weeks I figured I would text him to see if he was at the house which he said he was at his moms house. So I messaged my wife and asked if my step daughter (16) was home. And my wife replied "no, why". So I said I just wanted to know ( guess I could of just told her the whole truth in just saying that little but). So she said no but her brother was there.....Well if there is one thing that gets me from 0-100 in anger it's being lied to and knowing I'm being lied to. So I told her well that's kind of funny cuz he said he's not at home so one of yous 2 are lying and I would appreciate it if you would stop lying. Well needless to say it kept escalating until I got so filled with anger that I told her I am done and she should get a lawyer. I know, I know I'm a jerk. My wife uncle just passed away and instead of confronting her about the lying when she got back home or just letting it go and not even affect my PMA I didn't and made things worse.
So Sunday (Super Bowl Sunday) I felt completely horrible about everything so I called her up and apologized to her for how I spoke to her and the fact that I was insensitive to what she is going through right now but that I was still bothered at the fact that she only messages me when she wants/needs something and the fact that I get half truths. So later that night my W messages me to say she is half way home, then later on that night she messages me to say she made it home.
Well after the game I decided to go for a walk around where my parents live and since her daughters dad ( the person I think she is having an EA or maybe a PA with) lives a block away so I decide to walk in that direction around midnight, well to my surprise I find my wife vehicle there, so I approached her and asked what she was doing and she said she was picking him up at midnight because she ended help unloading boxes from her truck since they were heavy and stuff. Well I wasn't buying that excuse and figured she was lying to me once again so after some choice words with her, her daughter dad came out of his moms and caught the tail end of our conversation so as I left walking back to my parents house I guess he told my wife that he didn't want to get in the middle of this and the only reason I know that is because a couple minutes later she called me and asked where I was cuz now she had no one to help her.
If you read up to this point I know what your thinking and yes I agree with you. I have been doing a terrible job of DBing even though I carry the Sandi2 rules with me on my phone. And yes I have anger, controlling issues. I am working with an anger management person to try and get this under control. But back to the story.
So my wife called me around midnight to say she now had no one to help her since her daughters dad didn't want to get involved in what was going on. Well needless to say that conversation turned into a 4 hour long conversation. We have not talked that long since when we first started going on 6 years ago. She basically told me some of the issues she had with me, she also told me that she is scared to get back together because what if things go back to the way they were. I basically have a list of things to work on and will update my next post with those step 5's. But all in all it was a nice conversation and even though I was a jerk to her hours ago and the day before during the whole conversation I just kept validating everything she said and made no excuses to try and defend myself.
So After that conversation I swore to myself, to God and to anyone else who could hear me at the time that I was going to be serious about DBing, detatching and GALing. So I made it my mission on Monday not to message her, not to snoop on phone records, bank website or even on FB since on Saturday I unfriended her. Then yesterday around 3pm she message me to see if I made it to work on Monday for some OT, we exchanged a few lines back and forth but basically she just wanted to see how I was doing and to tell me she was feeling depressed about her uncle. Once again I validated her feelings, didn't offer and "fixes" and just said if she needed to talk that I was here for her. And that was it
So I'm ready for all the 2x4's and what not but ill be back later on to complete my Step 5's and see how I am going to experiment with this.